Flashback: WWE Dating Game (Parody)

Here’s another parody I wrote back in 2003, a then-WWF version of The Dating Game.  Check it out. Thoughts and comments are welcome.

(Retro) WWE Dating Game (A Parody) – July 12, 2003

WWE Dating Game (A Parody) – July 12, 2003

A big thing going on today in the entertainment industry is the revival of all things 70’s. From the movies (Charlies Angels, The Hulk) to TV (That 70’s Show) to music (who hasn’t done a remake of a 70’s hit) – it’s as if all old is new again. Always willing to cash in on any trend, what if the powers that be in the WWE decided to remake a staple of 70’s television for their WWE Superstars. This little parody shows what would happen if the WWE decided now is the time for:

The WWE Dating Game
(A Vinnie Mac In Your Pants Production)
Your announcer is Y2J Chris Jericho.

Y2J:
All right assclowns – listen up. It’s the Dating Game. We all know that the host of this gig should be me, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla. This show should be called Dating Game Jericho! But the people in charge wanted someone else to be the host. They said I had an ego problem or something like that. Bunch of losers. Just like you people out there watching tonite. Anyway – here is your host – Rico.

Applause as Rico comes prancing out.

Rico: Thank you Chris. You look marvelous, by the way. After the show, maybe we can go out for a drink or something.

Y2J: In your dreams, freak!

Rico: Forever and ever. Hello people. I’m Rico, your host for the evening and this is the Dating Game. What we do is take a WWE Diva and try and make a match with our eligable WWE Superstars.

Applause from the audience.

Rico: So, let’s get started. Chris, please introduce our bachelors to the fans.

Y2J: Sure thing loser. Bachelor Number 1 is the Doctor of Thuganomics. He kicks ass every week in the ring on Smackdown. He’s the poor man’s Vanilla Ice! Here’s John Cena.

John Cena: Word up! I’ve got a quick rhyme to put out. Listen up!
Why am I here on the dating game?
who’d I piss off?
Have they no shame?
Y2J is cool but that Rico freak makes me sick!
He should be hanging with Chuck and Billy
and they can all suck a ……

Rico: Anyway! Talk to the hand, Cena. Y2J, plase introduce bachelor number 2.

Y2J: I love it. You sick bastard. Bachelor number 2 is a former WWE champion. He’s also the man I beat, along with the Rock to become the first ever undisputed world champion. Here is the co-general manager of RAW, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Audience goes crazy!

Stone Cold: Tonite – I get some beer

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: I get the lady!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: And I might even whip these two punks asses who are sitting up here on stage.

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: And that’s the bottom line – cause Stone Cold just said so!

Rico: Thank you Mister Austin! Motivating as always.

Stone Cold: (buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrppppppp!)

Rico: And now Chris, if you will. Bachelor number three.

Y2J: No problem, you sissified freak of nature. Here is bachelor number three – from Hotlanta, GA. The manager of Rodney Mack and Jazz – the imcomparable Teddy Long.

Teddy: That’s Mr. Theodore Long to you whitey! Let me holla at ya playaz! Why am I bachelor number 3? Why not number one? This is just another attmept by whitey and the man to keep Teddy Long and Rodney Mack held back. We be thugging and buggin all over the WWE and then we come here and it’s nothing but total disrespect.

Cena: Testify, my brother..

Teddy: Shut the hell up, cracker boy!

Stone Cold: (buuuuuurrrrrppppppp!)

Rico: Gentlemen, please. Let’s have some order here. Chris, would you please introduce our lovely bachelorette? And by the way, you’re the last person who needs to call anyone ‘sissified’. Not with some of the outfits I’ve seen you wearing.

Y2J: Don’t be looking at me! I’m a Hollywood fashion plate. You’re just a freak. But anyhow, here is our lovely bachelorette, straight from Smackdown, and no doubt, Mr. McMahon’s bedroom as well, here is the former WWE Women’s champion and Playboy centerfold, Sable.

Audience just sits quietly.

Sable: All you men want to be with me. All you women just want to be me.

Rico: Yeah! Sure, Sable. Nice outfit, by the way!

Sable: Thank you!

Rico: You know how this works. You ask our bachelors some questions, listen to their answers, and then, based on their responses, you pick one of our WWE superstars for a dream date to….. Chris, will you please?

Y2J: I’m getting it, assclown! Sable, you and your lucky date, and with you, I’m sure they will get lucky, will be on a three day, all expense paid trip to Des Moines, Iowa!

Rico: Des Moines? I thought it was a trip to Madrid, Spain?

Y2J: It was originally, but Triple H saw the trip and decided he wanted that for him and Stephanie instead. So the show got stuck with Des Moines.

Rico: That’s Hunter for you! A great world champion and truly, the Game!

Y2J: You are the biggest ass kissing ass-clown in the world!

Rico: OK, Sable. Ask your questions.

Sable: OK. Bachelor number one, if we go out, what will you do to make it a special night for us?

Cena: If we go out, it’ll be something like this
a night on the town
with a master of thugamonics
truly a class joint
sure as hell won’t be a dog at the Sonic’s.
the Playboy centerfold out with a man from the streets
take a trip down to the Y
and show you how well I eat
word -life!

Sable: Ok!

Rico: Next question please.

Sable: Bachelor number two, same question.

Stone Cold: What will I do to make it a special night? Well, we’ll drink some beer. Eat some pork skins and shoot some pool. Maybe do a little fishing. Did I mention the drinking beer?

Sable: Sounds enticing.

Stone Cold: (buuuuurrrrrppppp!)

Rico: Next question, please.

Sable: Bachelor number 3, how would you show a girl a good time?

Teddy: Let me holla at ya playa! A night on the town in HotLanta, GA! A little Barry White and a little James Brown. Cause you know I’m down with the Brown.

Sable: Sounds good so far. What else!

Teddy: What else? Listen up, you money grabbing, big breasted, skanky slut! You’re a fake blonde weasal. You done destroyed one brother, my man Marc Mero. And now you think you’re gonna get ahold of my man, Rodney Mack. Keep dreaming, you plastic breasted drama queen!

Rico: Excuse me?

Teddy: Not you, you freak! I’m outta here. That skuz will never be down with the brown!

Teddy Long gets up and stalks off the stage..

Sable: Well, I never…

Rico: Yes, you have Sable. Plenty of times, I’m sure. Don’t even go there. Well, we’re about out of time, so you get to pick, Sable, between bachelors number 1 and 2. Teddy’s gone, so who will it be?

Sable: Well, I choose…

Stone Cold: Can I say something?

Rico: Could I stop you? Go ahead!

Stone Cold: I’ve had enough of fake breasted blondes trying to ruin my life. First Jeannie and then Debra. I don’t think I want to go out with a money grabbing whore like Sable.

Sable: What?

Stone Cold: A whore!
Rico: What?

Stone Cold: A money grabbing leech!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: A huge pair of fake breasts.

Audience:What?

Stone Cold: Dye job!

Audience:What?

Stone Cold: Flabby ass!

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: The coldest, nastiest, piece of trash in the business today.

Audience: What?

Stone Cold: (taking a huge swallow of beer… (Buuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrppppppppppp!!)

Rico: Austin, I’m tired of this. You can’t talk to our bachelorette this way. I ought to….

Austin jumps up and runs over to Rico, giving him a stunner on the stage floor. He then takes a swallow of beer and walks off the stage.

Sable: Oh my!….

Y2J: So, I guess the winner, by default is Smackdown’s own John Cena!

Sable: I don’t know.

John Cena: Hey – hey – hey! Word up!
I just came here tonite looking for a date
but just see a lot of confusion
Austin and Teddy walked off the stage
they couldn’t stand the thought of losing
Rico,our host is laid out on the floor
the victim of a stone cold stunner
but that Dairy Queen is such a punk
I’m sure it’s the first time he’s been laid all summer
so now I’m the winner
just like it should be
but my prize is a date with Sable?
to boldly go where all have gone before?
we may be on TNN, the home of Star Trek
but I ain’t Captian Kirk, and on this mission, I just ain’t able
you might not like it
or you might
I’m just relaying the facts
I’m the master of thuganomics
Sable is just the big thing
and ya’ll can just kiss my ass!

Cena walks off the stage – leaving Y2J and Sable standing alone next to Rico’s still unconcious body.

Y2J: So I guess that’s it for this show.

Sable: Wait a minute. Who’s my date? Who get’s to have a Sablicious good time? How about you, Chris?

Y2J: No – sorry! I don’t date drag queens. But I can hook you up with Christian?

Sable: Christian?

Y2J: Yeah! I’m sure he and his “peeps” will be glad to take you out!

Sable: No. Thanks, but no thanks. Even I have some standards.

Sable walks off..

Y2J: That’s what you say, lady, but I know better. Well, that’s it. See you folks next week on my show, The Dating Game is Jericho. Our bachelors will be Kurt Angel, Mike Foley, and Big Poppa Punk Steiner. Our lovely bachelorette will be the lovely and talented Nidia. Now this is the part where I guess we end the show with a big kiss. Well, you can all give a big kiss to my ass! Later assclown.

Jericho walks off the stage.

THE END.

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