Flashback: Space, Kid’s Shows and Bubble Gum

From 5 years ago today…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 23: Space, Kid’s Shows and Bubble Gum

It’s a lovely Thursday morning and guess what?  It’s freakin’ cold outside.  Just another exciting day here in paradise at the Tossing Salt Media, Inc offices.  I’m just chillaxin’ and trying to stay warm while I kill a little time.  I thought I had a totally free day going on, but trust the people at work at Tater Town to screw that up.  We were supposed to be having a store meeting yesterday at 3:00.  Ok, big freakin’ whoo, but I was okay with that.  Go in on my day off to hear a bunch of pissing and moaning about a ton of things that will be totally forgotten by this time next month.  That’s how things work and it’s okay.  But it was cancelled and I was so happy. Dodged that bullet. (President Obama’s going to be mad at me – I used the word “bullet” and that’s not allowed anymore – bullets and guns are evil!!)

But what was I saying?  Oh yeah, my peace and hope for a quiet and semi-productive day of being awesome were shot to hell when the boss-lady called and said we’re still having that meeting, but now it’s today at 2pm.  What about the plans I’ve already made? What about the things I need to do?  What about…. aw, screw it. Who am I trying to fool?  I have no life so I’ll go to their little meeting, listen carefully, maybe raise a few arguments, and while I’m there, try to corner the big boss alone for a moment. I need a freakin’ raise!  And a latino pool boy.  I’d prefer the raise, but if a young, studly twink is all I can get, well… so be it.

Before I reach into the magic box and find out what the “Thirty Days” topic will be, I want to talk very briefly about two things.  The first is that the culmination of a long dream came true last night.  No, I did NOT get laid by Juvi.  That long dream is still waiting. And Ivory didn’t come to NC and make me her bitch. Still waiting on that one too.  And no bit time lottery winnings either.  Damn, last night just totally sucked now that I think about it.  *sighs*  Just kidding.  Last night, myself and the InFamous K-Mak (my boss at InFamousTV and a big Mod Sun friend) filmed the first edition of what hopefully will be at least a weekly project, “Tossing Salt TV”.  I’m going to be doing the columns again, but also we’re going to be doing YouTube pieces in relation to the columns and pro wrestling (and pop culture as well).  I’ve been thinking about and hoping to make this transition for a long while, but due to my total lack of ability when it comes to electronics and my habits of procrastination, it’s been put off and put off and put off again.  But last night, the long process of “thinking about it” turned into actually doing it and myself and K-Mak sat down and well, we did det!  It’s Royal Rumble Predictions time and it’s just the beginning of what should be a long and AWESOME ride.

And the other topic I want to briefly hit upon is American Idol and their resident Clown-Princess, Nicki Minaj.  Where the hell did the Idol people find this Tammy Faye wannabe?  I’m not knocking her talent.  Back in the day, before she was slapped in the face by a paint brush and her make-up started looking like a box of exploding crayons, she was actually pretty decent.  Her stuff is good.  But somewhere between then and now, the quality of the work seems to be fading and the arrogance and bitchy diva-ness attitude and delusions of her own importance seem to be growing by leaps and bounds.  She’s not all that and the show, thus far, is being damaged and hurt by her inappropiate gestures, fake mannerisms and overall “Miss Thang” quality.

I had my doubts when the Idol people announced that Nicki, Mariah and Keith Urban would be coming in and replacing Steven Tyler and J-Lo as Idol judges, but I was willing to sit back and give them the benefit of a doubt.  Urban is okay and Mariah is okay, butt Nicki?  Ellen was a better Idol judge and let’s be honest, she’s a comedian and not a singer and sucked pretty badly.  Nicki is a singer and musician and she’s even worse.  Replace that biatch… PLEASE!

And I’m not the only one who feels this way (for a change). So far, every night after Idol ends since it debuted for the new season a couple of weeks ago, all I’ve seen up and down my Facebook page are comments about how bad Nicki really is. She’s driving the fans away and so many people have commented that they’re ready to pass on watching Idol because of her and her behavior and stupidity.  And these are some extremely patient and awesome folks who rarely say a bad word about anyone or anything.  Nicki just brings those negative feelings out in people.  She’s definitely not a Mod Sun, the “Pastor of Positivity”… “What up, my hippie!”  Get rid of her… PLEASE!!!

Okay, I’m done with the ranting and raving.  Seven paragraphs and I haven’t even officially started this piece yet. Damn, I am that good!  Let’s go find the magc box and see what the topics for today’s edition, Part 23 of the “Thirty Days” saga, will be.  And we reach into the box and the topics are:  “Space”, “TV Shows for Kids” and “Bubble Gum”.  Wow!  How am I going to cover these three topics? Let’s find out.  Let’s do this…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 23:  Space, Kid’s Shows and Bubble Gum

January 24, 2013

Okay, so let’s get the ball rolling here and start off with space.  What kind of space should I talk about?  “Space” as in outer space, the final frontier with all the planets, stars, asteroids and strange mutated life forms that are probably watching us right now and snickering? Or space as in the here and now that people take up with themselves and far too many people are a total waste of?  Hmmmm!

Let’s do the alien / stars and moon and planets and galaxies type of space. If I talk about the other, we’ll be here all day and I am on a time restraint.  By the way, I just shaved a few minutes ago. I hate being clean shaven.  It makes me look about ten years younger (at least), but also makes my face look fatter.  And I don’t know why I mentioned that.  What was I talking about anyhow?  Oh yeah, space.

When a person leaves the earth’s atmosphere, it’s said that they’re headed into outer space.  They’re…  And I just went totally blank on this. I had a direction and thought in mind and lost it just that quickly.  I hate it when that happens, but happens it does.  I guess there’s just too much blank space in my head right now and it’s causing issues. I’m feeling foggy (froggy) this morning.  Should I try this again?  Yeah, I think I will.  Take 2 coming up.

Space.  It’s up there in the sky and for billions (and billions) of miles beyond.  It is so kool to just lay outside sometimes at night and watch the sky, gazing off into space and just dreaming and trying to imagine what’s out there.  We know that we have different planets, which make up different galaxies which expand out into the universe. Space is infinite or at least that’s what we believe.  And how would we know any different?  Humans (thus far as we know) don’t have the technology or capability to venture even outside our little solar system so we definitely can’t do anything but imagine or speculate about what lies beyond.

But in my own little mind, I like to think that beyond our galaxy are other galaxies, other systems that are similar to ours with their own life-forms and cultures and what not’s. Yeah, I think that there are aliens out there.  And I’ll be happy to explain why.

First off, it just doesn’t make sense that in the billions and billions of miles of space, that there is only one planet capable of sustaining life and one species.  In all of space and it’s infamous glory?  Really?  Really?  Really? (Yes, I am stealing the Miz’s catchphrase – I don’t think he minds.)  If we (humans) are the smartest and most developed creatures in the universe, then I really feel bad because there are some pretty dumb-ass humans out there (which would be the persons I referred to earlier as being a total waste of space and humanity.  But I’m not going to talk about Danny  or Jill  here so let’s move on.)  It’s just not believable or acceptable to think that with the trillions of miles of space and the billions of planets and solar systems that we’re it. It just doesn’t make sense or add up.

And the other reason is because I’m a comic book guy.  (Yes, I do have that lovable nerd quality about me.  It’s who I am!  Get over it!)  And one of the big, recurring things about reading such awesome characters as the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, The Avengers, The Justice League and so many others is that all of these titles feature characters who come from other worlds and that the adventures cited regularly take place on different planets and in other galaxies.  And even though I know that these books are all supposedly creations from the imaginations of some great writers and artists, part of me just likes to hope and think and wish that in some small way, this is really how it is and there is a basis of truth behind these stories.  They’re still real to me, damn it!

Anyhow, that’s my take on space. I’m going to move on because I just caught a glance at the time and store meeting (groan) in about 40 minutes.  I need to get this finished so I can post it and move on.  So, with the topic of moving on in mind, let’s do just that.

Television shows for kids is the next topic and let’s be serious, there really aren’t any shows out there designed just for children.  I know that we do have Sponge Bob and the shows on PBS (Sesame Street featuring that evil nasty Elmo) and a few other “educational programs” like Dora the Explorer, but let’s be honest. They suck!!  When I was growing up (and yes, I am dating myself here), we had Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers and Captain Kangaroo and all of the good, cool cartoons on Saturday morning.  I loved the “Super Friends” and “Laff-A-Lympics”.  But now, what do they have that is specifically designed for children?

Even the cartoons like Sponge Bob have adult themes intertwined with the cartoony aspect.  And everything now is supposed to “teach” and be educational. What about just being fun and entertaining and enjoyable?  The last thing on TV for kids that was just pure and simple fun was Pee Wee’s Playhouse.  Actually, that was kind of creepy too, but I liked it.  And we all know how that turned out.  Pee Wee played with his pee wee and got ripped to shreds by wild giraffes.  Or maybe he just got cancelled?  But I like the wild, rabid giraffes thought better.

I’m not a big fan of today’s tv programming at all.  Not for children and not for adults. Either everything is over-complicated and hard to follow or just so dumbed down that even the three-years olds are saying, “This crap is stupid!”.  TV needs to change.  It needs… us!  InFamousTV.  Maybe we should get some backers up and buy a network (I heard NBC is possibly up for sale?)  Then we would / could fix things and put some GOOD tv shows back on the air.  I’ll have to bring that up at the next InFamousTV board meeting.  Hmmmm!

And finally, we have bubble gum.  Bazooka is still the best.  The Pal bubble gum (that you buy in bulk packages for Halloween distribution) is nothing but pure sugar.  I like it, but it’s hard as a rock and will break your teeth off.  Hubba Bubba is awesome. Bubbilicious is not my thing.  And Super Bubble, still only five cents a piece, is great for long trips and annoying teachers.  I still don’t know how to blow a bubble though. I’ve blown so many things over the years, but the simpliest of all things, a bubble, still escapes me.  Go figure.

And with that, I’m ending this novel novelette. Got to go get ready for the big pow-wow at work.  Thank you for reading and please share with your friends. Comments are welcome too.  I’m Doug and as the great Baron Von Raschke used to say quite frequently, “Dat is all de people need to know!”.  Have a great one.


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