Last night, someone very special and important to me asked me point blank if I was okay.  This was because, instead of doing as I usually do on that rare night off and going out with my family, I decided to stay home and just wanted to sleep / think / be alone.  And that’s what I did. I responded to the inquiry with a few smart-ass comments and played it off as just being “tired” and “not being good company”, all of which was very true.  And still is true.

I’m not a happy camper right now.  Far from it.  I’m moody and have a dark place that I sometimes wander into from time to time to dwell and reflect from.  And I just want to say to hell with everyone and everything and just give up.  Real truth here!  But I can’t and won’t do it.  I’ll put on the fake smile, make a few jokes and keep going until the darkness rolls away like the fog early in the morning as the sun comes up and then I’ll be okay again.  Not happy because I don’t see that happening until I get out on my own, until Cal comes home, and until I find that place where it all fits and come together for me.  I can laugh and smile and have moments of joy.  My friends make sure of that and that I’m not a total ass-clown all the time and I do appreciate and love them for that.

Depression is a real deal and a day to day struggle for me, as it is a lot of people.  I’m stronger than most people realize and I’ll deal with it, push it aside and keep going, because that’s how I roll and how I cope.  I just keep going even when I want to give up, give in, curl up and fade away.  And I’m not even sure why I’m here talking about this right now because it’s really not anyone’s business except my own.

But I’ve always been forthcoming about everything else in my life in my writings and I don’t see any reason to quit now.  I just want to go back to bed right now and hide away from the world until I have to get up and go to work.  I’m going to sit here and do my “Thirty (More) Days” project instead.  If it sucks too badly, you now know why.  Let’s go find the Magic Box and get some topics.

And we have “hugs and kisses”, “purple food” and “nervous habits”…  Should be a short episode today.  Let’s do this.

Thirty (More) Days of Dougie – Part 18:  Hugs & Kisses, Nervous Habits and Purple Food…

Let’s start off with the easiest, which is purple food.  We have grapes and ???.  Honestly, I can’t think of any other foods that are naturally purple except for grapes and maybe blueberrys. There are plenty of artificially colored foods that are purple, but that’s mainly because they have grape flavoring.  How can I write about something that doesn’t even exist?  Maybe if we cut up Barney the Dinosaur and made him into steaks, we’d find out that the lovely purple shade of his annoying skin-tones carries to the inside too and we’d have purple ass-clown steaks, I mean “purple Barney steaks”, but that’s just speculation.  Somehow, I don’t think that a Barney the Dinosaur steak would be all that good anyhow.  Maybe if we add enough ketchup, but for the most part, bleh!

So what are the purple foods, aside from grapes and blueberries? There are none. End of discussion.  Let’s move on.

The next thing is “nervous habits” which are things that we do involuntarily when we’re bored, stressed, self-conscious or just zoned out.  Some are kind of cute to observe.  I work with a young guy, a sexy young thing to be sure, who plays with his stomach when he’s talking.  Many people bite their lip while talking or fiddle with their hair or will just do a sideways glance before speaking. It’s the little things that help others read this person and get some insight to what they’re thinking or talking about.

My nervous habits?  I rub my chin-whiskers or brush my bangs back.  Sometimes, I’ll fiddle around with the little hoop earring that I wear or rub the corners of my eyes.  I also am bad about rolling my eyes when confronted with stupidity or trying to hold my temper.  We’ve all got our little quirks and body language responses that tell the truth even when we might be saying something else with our mouths.

That’s why cops and analysts are trained to observe and “listen” with their eyes as well as their ears.  That’s why I like to watch people as we talk or as they interact with others to see if the body language matches the words coming from the mouth (and for more often than not, it doesn’t – people lie!).  People watching is fun and watching the things that people do, especially when they don’t even realize that they’re doing it, is fun too.

And I’m really getting bored with this today.  I’m just not into it at all.  Can’t you tell?  Let’s close it up with some quick talk about hugs and kisses.  I love to be hugged.  I like to be kissed.  But honestly, I’m not generally comfortable with letting people into my personal space and allowing them to get too close and that kind of puts a damper on the whole “hugs and kisses” thing far too often.

So if I allow you to hug me or even more so if I approach or ask for a hug, you’d better feel very special because that means I trust you and have genuine, real feelings for you.  And if I want to kiss you, damn!  You may as well rule the world because I don’t take kissing lightly.  I can only think of two people right now that I long for and desire to kiss when I’m around them.  One is the man who stole my heart, Cal.  And the other is… none of your business.  Maybe I’ll talk more about that one when I do the “unrequitted love” topic?  But then again, maybe not. And no, it’s not who everyone is probably thinking.  Get your minds out of the gutters folks… lol.

You know what’s really weird about my whole outlook on hugging and kissing.  It’s a hard limit for me (read the “Shades of Grey” books for explanation of ‘hard limits’) and I don’t take it lightly.  Having sexual relations with someone is no big deal.  It’s like “hey, how you doing, let’s get naked, see you later, etc”… just a thing.  It’s not a big deal at all.  But allowing someone close enough to invade my space and put their arms around me with a hug?  That’s a big deal.  And kissing / making out with someone and actually wanting to make out with someone… that’s the biggest deal of all in my book.

Yeah, it’s kind of odd and screwed up from what most people would expect or accept, but it’s how I am and how I’ve always been.  I don’t mind going down on someone or having sexual relations with someone (if they’re cute of course – and safe), but don’t ask me to kiss or hug them unless real feelings and real trust is involved.  Damn, I’ve got some freakin’ issues.

I think I’m leaving it all there and closing this up.  It’s starting to go places that I don’t want to go into right now.  I think I’m going back to bed.  Have a great day and thanks for reading.  See you tomorrow.

Ubuntu!