Goldilocks & The Three Bears (Fic)

 I originally wrote this seven years ago today.  Enjoy…
Goldilocks and The Three Bears
The Three Bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear and Baby Bear, returned to their little cottage after taking a leisurely stroll through the woods. As they approached their home, they noticed that the front door was standing open.

“Not again”, Mama Bear cried as they saw the open door.

“I am so tired of this”, Papa Bear growled.

“I want a hula hoop”, Baby Bear squealed.

They went into their home and saw that someone had been sitting in their chairs.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair”, Papa Bear growled.

“Someone’s been sitting in my chair”, Mama Bear cried.

“This is just like an episode of the Twilight Zone”, Baby Bear remarked. And then, noticing the looks his parents were giving him, recited his lines. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair too and they my broke my booster seat!”

Then the bears moved over to the kitchen and looked at the table where they had left three bowls of porridge to cool off as they took their walk.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge”, Papa Bear growled.

“Someone’s been eating my porridge”, Mama Bear cried.

“Why don’t we just call Domino’s”, Baby Bear remarked. “Or maybe some chinese. I could really go for some Sweet & Sour Chicken right now.” And then, feeling the gaze of his parent’s eyes on him, Baby Bear added, “Someone’s been eating my porridge too… and they ate it all up!”

Then, the Three Bears decided to go to bed. They went to the bedroom.

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed”, Papa Bear growled.

Someone’s been sleeping in my bed”, Mama Bear cried.

“Do we really have to do this?”, Baby Bear asked. “We all know that Goldilocks sat in the chairs, ate our food and is sleeping in the beds. She’s still there in my bed and I’m getting pretty sick of it.”

“We have to follow the storyline, dear”, Mama Bear told her son.

“Why?”, Baby Bear asked. “It’s always the same thing. That girl breaks in our house, vandalizes the furniture, eats our food and passes out in my bed and all we do is chase her off until the next time.”

“It is kind of annoying”, Papa Bear agreed, “but what can we do?”‘

The Three Bears stood there and stared at the still sleeping and unsuspecting Goldilocks. Finally, Mama Bear spoke up.

“I have an idea”, she said.

“Let’s eat her”, Papa Bear growled. “After all, we’re bears!”

“That is so tacky”, Mama Bear said, giving her husband bear a nasty look.

“Let’s put her in red leather and have her do a pole dance in a giant pool of grape jelly”, Baby Bear said.

Both Mama Bear and Papa Bear turned to stare at their child.

“What?”, Baby Bear asked.

“What do you think we should do, Mama Bear?”, Papa Bear asked his wife. “I think we should just eat her.”

“No”, Mama Bear said. “We’re taxpayers, so let’s call the police and have her arrested.”

“Can we put her in leather first?”, Baby Bear asked.

“NO!”, both Mama and Papa Bear yelled.

“That’s a great idea, Mama”, Papa Bear said. “Maybe if we have her locked up, she won’t be able to break into our home anymore.”

“I’ll call the police right now”, Mama Bear said as she pulled out her cell phone.

Minutes later, the police were there and the officer’s woke Goldilocks up from her sleep, tapping her on the shoulder.

“What… oh no, it’s bears”, she started to say, but then realized it wasn’t the usual scenario with the Bear family waking her… it was the police instead.

What’s going on?”, Goldilocks asked as she rubbed her eyes. “Why are the police here?”

“We’re tired of you breaking into our house, eating our food and getting away with it. We decided to have you arrested”, Mama Bear said.

“Do you like pudding?”, Baby Bear asked Goldilocks.

“That’s not how the story goes”, Goldilocks said. “You’re supposed to let me go. And no, I don’t like pudding.”

“We’re changing the story, girlie”, Papa Bear laughed.

“How about salmon patties and cheesecake?”, Baby Bear asked.

“We’ll see you in court”, Mama Bear smiled. “Have fun in jail, dear!”

“You can’t do this!”, Goldilocks screamed. “It’s not fair!”

“Settle down”, the cop said.

“Go to hell”, Goldilocks said as she attempted to kick the cop.

The officer stepped back and shot Goldilocks with a taser. Goldilocks shook and quivers, convulsing violently on the floor.

“I told her to settle down”, the officer said.

“Can I play with that?”, Baby Bear asked the officer as he stared at the taser.

“Sure”, the officer said, handing Baby Bear the taser.

Baby Bear aimed it at the still-convulsing Goldilocks and shot her again. Goldilocks screamed in pain and began to quiver and shake and convulse even more.

“That was fun”, Baby Bear said.

“Yeah, it is”, the officer agreed. “Now, I’ll take this habitual criminal to jail. Have a nice day!”

The officer picked up the semi-conscious Goldilocks by the arm, slapped the handcuffs on her, and took her away.

“Thank you for coming”, Mama Bear told the cop as he was leaving.

“Appreciate it”, Papa Bear said.

“We never did find out if she likes salmon and cheesecake”, Baby Bear complained.

“Now, let’s go watch Family Guy?”, Papa Bear said as they settled down in their house.

“Papa, who’s Charlie Sheen?”, Baby Bear asked.

“Shut up, kid”, Papa Bear scowled.

“He’s your real father”, Mama Bear answered.

“What?”, Papa Bear bellowed.

“Be quiet dear, Stewie is on”, Mama Bear said.

“I like Stewie”, Baby Bear said. “He’s cool!”

“What about Charlie Sheen?”, Papa Bear asked.

“I’m kidding dear. I’m kidding”, Mama Bear sighed. “Don’t I wish it was Charlie Sheen?”

“Oh”, Papa Bear said as the family settled down to watch Family Guy. “What?”


Time passed quickly and several weeks later, it was time for Goldilocks to go to trial. She was charged with breaking & entering, vandalism, and larceny. The case caught the attention of the media when it was revealed that Goldilocks was actually the granddaughter of a rich hotel tycoon.

“That explains why she dresses so badly”, Papa Bear said.

“It takes a lot of money to look that cheap”, Mama Bear replied.

“She’s a slut”, said Baby Bear.

At the trial, the District Attorney took the Bears aside and assured them that they have nothing to worry about. It seems that Goldilocks was a habitual offender and had a long history of criminal acts against members of the Bear community, many of who had agreed to testify against her to establish her lack of remorse and prejidice against bears.

So the testimony began as Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear testified and told the judge and jury about how many times that Goldilocks had broken into their home, destroyed chairs, eaten their food and then passed out in Baby’s bed.

“And she wouldn’t even wear the fuzzy handcuffs”, Baby said angrily.

And then the D.A. brought in his expert witnesses who testified about their own encounters with Goldilocks.

“I caught her with her hand in my honey pot”, said Winnie the Pooh. “And she frightened Piglet… although that’s not really hard to do. Luckily, Tigger bounced by and chased her away… or was he chasing his tail? I don’t remember, but he was really chasing it. Oh bother…”

“I went to the Comedy Club and she had stolen all of my jokes”, Fozzy Bear complained. “Like this one… A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ‘why the long face?’… Get it? Long face? Waka waka waka.”

“I’ve seen her playing with matches and starting forest fires”, Smokey Bear testified. “I went up to her and told her that ‘only you can prevent forest fires!’ She gave me the middle finger. She’s dangerous!”

“She hides the pic-a-nic baskets in Jellystone Park before I can sample the goodies”, Yogi Bear said. “And she took Boo Boo to a strip club. He was traumitized, right Boo Boo?”

“Yeah”, Boo Boo Bear answered with a dreamy look and huge smile on his face.

“She doesn’t like soft and cuddly”, the Snuggles Bear complained.

“She mimics everything I say in a mocking fashion”, Teddy Ruxpin testified.

The testimony against Goldilocks continued and such witnesses as The Gummy Bears, Baloo, Br’er Bear, and Paddington all gave their statements and it was indeed looking mighty bleak for the young, fair haired lass.

Finally the prosecution called their last witness, who flew in from South Park, Colorado. Sexual Harassment Panda took the stand and testified that Goldilocks did indeed, “makes me a sad panda”.

And with that, the prosecution rested their case.

Goldilocks spoke briefly with her attorney, who then addressed the court. Goldilocks would not take the stand because she was not the guilty one. Instead, they had two expert witnesses, who would testify on behalf of Goldilocks. The defense first called Dr. Phil to the stand.

Dr. Phil took the stand and testified that after interviewing Goldilocks, he discovered that she had childhood trauma after one day at lunch, her Alphabet Soup spelled out the word (expletive deleted). The jury and courtroom observers gasped in horror. Dr. Phil also went on to explain how Goldilocks had once watched the entire movie, “Freddy Gets Fingered”, starring Tom Green. Therefore, none of her actions, nor the consequences of said actions, were her fault and not only should she be found not guilty, but the jury should award her damages from the stress and trauma brought forth by the Bear’s actions against her.

And then the defense attorney called a surprise witness, cartoon icon Daffy Duck. Daffy took the stand.

“I’ve only one question for you, Mister Duck”, the attorney said to Daffy. “What season is it?”

“Oh, you’re not getting me”, Daffy said. “It’s basketball season, still technically winter and Nascar season as well.”

“But is it not also duck season?”, the attorney asked.

“No, it is not that season”, Daffy said.

“What season?”, the attorney asked.

“Duck season”, Daffy replied.

The Judge, the D.A., the defense attorney and the bailiffs all pulled out rifles and shot Daffy.

“Mother…..!”, Daffy said before dropping to the ground and running like a lunatic from the room.

“I’ve always wanted to do that”, the attorney said. “No more witnesses, your honor!”

The Judge concluded the trial and sent the jury back to make a decision as to the fate of Goldilocks for her repeated crimes against not only The Three Bears, but bears in general.

Finally, the jusy came back and the Judge asked for a verdict.

“We find Goldilocks not guilty”, the jury said.

“What?”, Papa Bear complained to the D.A. “You said we couldn’t lose!”

“WIn some and lose some”, the D.A. said. “Well, have a nice day!”

And the D.A. quickly exited the room to get away from the Bears.

“Oh dear”, Mama Bear exclaimed. “I guess we’ll have to put up with that…. girl breaking back into our house again now.”

“Maybe she’ll wear skimpy lingerie”, Baby Bear said.

Papa Bear didn’t say anything.

“What are we going to do, Papa?”, Mama Bear asked.

“The polka”, Baby Bear suggested.

“Hold on a second. I’ll be right back”, Papa Bear said as he eyed a familiar blond head of hair walking into the restroom.

Papa Bear walked away as Mama Bear sighed worriedly.

“I really don’t want to have to put up with that stuff again”, she complained to Baby Bear. “Maybe we should get a dog?”

“Maybe we should do the Electric Slide”, Baby Bear said.

Suddenly, Papa Bear walked back up.

“Well, we don’t have to worry about Goldilocks coming and bothering us anymore”, Papa Bear said.

“Did you talk to her?”, Mama Bear asked.

“In a manner of speaking”, Papa Bear smiled as he rubbed his stomach and let out a small burp.”

“No, you didn’t”, Mama Bear sighed.

“Yeah, I did”, Papa Bear smiled. “And if you had let me do this in the first place, we never would have had these problems.”

“You’re right Papa”, Mama Bear admitted. “We should have just eaten her instead of calling the police.”

“What did you say”, Papa Bear asked. “I’m what?”

Mama Bear gave Papa Bear a kiss.

“Let’s go home, family”, she laughed.

“Let’s go to the mall”, Baby Bear said. “and watch the winos pee on themselves.”

“Is that really my son?”, Papa Bear asked.

“Either yours or Charlie Sheen’s”, Mama Bear smiled.

“What?”, Papa Bear said.



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