Ultimate Wrestling Q&A (Promo Edition: PJ Hawx, Wrestling Weddings & More…

Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate Wrestling Q&A
(Promo Edition)
PJ Hawx, Wrestling Weddings & More
February 17, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Welcome to another edition of the Ultimate Wrestling Q&A and it’s as they used to say on TV when speaking of an episode of a show that is going to get deep or go slightly off the beaten path, a “very special edition” of the column. As per a challenge from my friend Danny, every answer to every question will be done in a “wrestling promo style”. I’ll switch it up and use different promo styles for each one to make it more fun. The thoughts and opinions expressed are mine and mine alone, but just read them with the voice of the wrestler mentioned in your head. Let’s see how this goes. As for the questions themselves, Danny sent most of them and there are a couple from James S. too. And now, let’s roll.

Is Orange Cassidy the hero that wrestling needs? (Answered in the style of Bobby Eaton.)

Yep! (mumbles inaudibly) He’s good! (More inaudible mumbling.)

P.J. Hawx dived off the second story of a mall in a recent match. Have you seen this? Thoughts? (Answered in the style of “The Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valiant.)

Woooo mercy! Hawx takes to the air and flies baby! Just like a bird! Just like a bird soaring in the sky! It’s wild and crazy and the Boogie Woogie man says look out! Soaring with the eagles or should we say the Hawx? Boogie likes it. Boogie wants to dance baby! Mercy!

Rick Rude vs Undertaker vs Ric Flair vs Ultimate Warrior in a World Championship match. Who wins? (Answered in the style of Stone Cold Steve Austin.)

Look at these cats. All of them tough bastards! The Dead Man! The Nature Boy! Rick Rude! Warrior! I can’t see Warrior coming out on top. The man is a freakin’ nut. Flair is the sneaky one and will do anything to win. So will Rude. But no one is bigger or better than the Dead Man. This match, my money is on the Undertaker. And that’s the bottom line cause Stone Cold just said so.

It’s your first tour of Japan and you’re told that you’re part of a six-man tag team match the first night. You aren’t told who you’re facing. You walk to the ring and see Stan Hansen, Bruiser Brody and Terry Gordy waiting for you. What is your reaction? (Answered in the style of Ron Simmons.)

DAMN!

Do you think if Hogan had not turned and become Hollywood Hogan, would he have eventually just faded out. (Answered in the style of Hulk Hogan.)

Let me tell you something brother. Hulkamania will always live forever. The nWo and being Hollywood was a big moment for all the Hulkamaniacs and kept WCW alive. Hanging and banging with Hall, Nash, Eazy E and all other brothers just proved what everyone already knew. Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe. Hulkamania will never die, brother!

Is Jim Cornette a bitter ass hater or does he tell it like it is? (Answered in the style of Ernie “The Cat” Ladd.)

Let me tell you something Mr. TV announcer. A lot of people don’t like Jimmy Cornette, just like a lot of people don’t like Ernie Ladd. And you know why? Because we speak the truth. I’ve never told a lie in my life and those idiots are jealous and bitter. Corny is the same way. He doesn’t care what you think. He knows how things work and how things should be, just like Ernie Ladd does. And big babies out there can’t handle it. And that is the truth!

Arn Anderson & Sting versus Stan Hansen & Rick Steamboat. Who do you pick? (Answered in the style of Ole Anderson.)

Arn and Sting versus Steamboat and Hansen? Who the hell booked this match? It’s the shits! Arn and Sting, I can see because Sting was a Horseman for a short time and there’s a history there. But Steamboat and Hansen. The styles would clash and there would be no chemistry. This match wouldn’t make any sense and there would probably be a turn with Hansen and Arn laying out their partners, Sting and Steamboat. A dumb match though and it just looks wrong on paper. It’s the absolute shits!

Would Greg “The Hammer” Valentine have been a great pick for the Four Horsemen? (Answered in the style of James J. Dillon.)

Greg Valentine is a tough guy and a great wrestler. He and Flair have a long history and have shared tag team championships in the past so Valentine has an inside track if and when a new member is ready to be added to the most elite faction in professional wrestling history. But is Greg really what we would consider Horseman material? A lot of things would have to be considered such as how he would work with Arn and Tully? What is the upside of someone like Greg as opposed to someone like Lex Lugar or Barry Windham for example? Would Greg work well in a group and would he be able to put his ego aside when necessary for the sake of the group? And to be honest, I don’t think so. The addition of The Hammer, while a great short-term possibility, would in the overall scheme of things, would probably create more problems than it would alieve. So I would not recommend the addition of Valentine to the Horseman unit.

What was your favorite in-ring wedding ceremony? Mine was Uncle Elmer’s in 1985. (In the style of Blackjack Mulligan.)

Go get Mama from the kitchen and Grandma from the front porch and sit up close while I tell you about wrestling weddings. I’ve seen quite a few of them over the years and they get wild. Not as wild as Cousin Luke’s wedding to Besty Lou Milsap down in Hogtussle last month, but still crazy as a coon hound in a cattle field. I saw the stuff with Lana and Lashley and that wasn’t too bad. The ones that tickled my funny bone the most were Edge and Lita doing the I do’s and old big monster Kane decided to show up and crash the party. And of course when Triple H, man that dude has a big nose, married the boss’s daughter. Now those were some times I’ll never forget. Just like a day down at the ranch, good memories for all.

And there you go. My thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed my little fun with some of the wrestling characters I remember and grew up with. I tried to keep the promo answers as close to the character as I could. Any comments, thoughts or questions or ideas as to ways to have some fun and switch things up every so often are welcome and appreciated. Have a great night and take care of yourself. I’ll see you at the matches.

Ubuntu!

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