Dear Dougie III: Abby Is Spinning In Her Grave…

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie
Abby Is Spinning In Her Grave: Part III
November 10, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers? Back in the day, these two ladies would offer advice and answer letters written by troubled souls. Sadly, both women have passed on to the great beyond, and while their columns continue, with others who have taken up the roles and duties, it’s just not the same. There’s a void that needs to be filled and guess what? I think I’ll take the challenge and do it. In truth, I’m probably the last person who should be advising anyone, especially when my life is such a train-wreck at times, but why let logic, facts, or common sense get in the way. I like answering questions and being helpful and this is just another way to do that, taking it to the next level.

The following pleas for help and letters come from the pages of the Weekly World News and the legendary Dottie Primrose. And if she, being a fictitious character and all, can do it, all I can say is hold my beer. Let’s give this a try. And here you go. If I do well, maybe my loyal readers who are troubled (and if you read my stuff every day, you probably are… lol), can start sending in questions and asking for advice as well. Maybe we can make this a regular thing. We’ll see how it goes. So now, let’s get ready and do this, the third edition of “Dear Dougie!”. And away we go.

Dear Dougie,

 I have a serious problem with my boss. All I do is listen to a radio while I work, which makes my day go by much faster. Now my employer wants me to stop listening to it. Don’t you agree he’s being unreasonable?

–Radio Fan

I can’t agree or disagree because you don’t give me enough information. Do you work in a private office or with others? How loud do you play that radio and kind of music do you play? Some people don’t like some kinds of music and just because you like country or rap or whatever doesn’t mean that everyone around you wants to hear it. Try to compromise. Ask your boss what kind of music he likes and maybe play that sometimes. Or get a set of earplugs and listen where it won’t disturb everyone else. If that’s not possible, you have two choices. Turn off the radio and keep your job or else keep blasting the radio and eventually end up getting terminated. He is the boss and in the long run, he makes the rules and if you want to keep that job, you need to follow them.

Dear Dougie, 

One of my mom’s old friends from high school, Natalia, stayed with us during the pandemic because she couldn’t go back to her home in Italy. My father died two years ago and my mom really loved having her around for company during these difficult times. And I really loved being around her as well – she is the coolest woman ever. One night, when my Mom was passed out on the couch, Natalia lured me into her bedroom. I don’t need to tell you what happened next. but I should tell you that I’ve fallen head over heels in love with her. I’m only 19 and Natalia is 61, but she’s really young at heart and knows how to treat a guy. So how can I tell mom about my feelings, Dotti? I’m really stumped over this one. 

– Mitch in Massachusetts.

Natalia is a cougar and while she’s great for a good time, you’re not in love with her. You like the attention and convenient, kinky sex, but there is no way this can work out into a long term, serious relationship. And Natalia isn’t in love with you. She wants a hot young stud to knock the cobwebs out and make her feel young again, but the reality is, you’re young enough to be her grandson. Granny porn is cool for a quick thrill, but it grows old fast (no pun intended). Tell Aunt Bee thanks for the good times and trip to Mayberry RFD, but accept things for what they are. A fling, a fun time, some hoochie-coochie with a dinosaur coochie. And don’t let your Mom find out. It’ll ruin her friendship with Natalia and make things weird with you. Look at it like a special class where she takes you under her wing, teaches you the tricks that experience has given her, and then sets you free to go your own way because that’s all this is and all it can be.

Dear Dougie,

My boyfriend and I are starting to get real serious and it’s only a matter of time before we wind up in bed. Do you think I should tell him I’ve got herpes before that time comes or wait? 

– Undecided in Baton Rouge.

Tell him now before you get intimate or sleep together. If you wait and he ends up catching that eternal rash, or even thinking he’s going to catch that dreaded infection that is just like in-laws, it never leaves, he’s going to punch you in the face. Or maybe that’s just me. If I’m talking to a guy and we’re on the verge of getting freaky and all of a sudden, he says, “I have herpes”, I’m gonna punch him in the face for not telling me sooner. Tell him and after that, you’ll be able to go on with a clear conscience and understanding, for both of you, of the risks. Don’t tell him and you’re playing a dangerous game that may end up with some very bad results.

 Dear Dougie,

I noticed recently that my neighbor’s dog is talking to me. He keeps telling me I should get rid of all the evil people in my city. He’s never talked to me before, but he sounds sincere. What do you think?

 — Hearing Voices in Jefferson City.

Dogs are the fakest creatures (after Democrats) in existence. They are always either happy to see you or want to bite your face off. Don’t listen to him. He just wants to know if you’re a good boy or not. It’s all a trick orchestrated by the neighborhood cats and the dogs are their stooges. Besides, if you get rid of all the evil people in your city, who’s going to run the government or take your order at McDonalds? Don’t listen to the dog. He lies.

Dear Dougie, 

Last October, I fell head over heels in love with a gorgeous gal that I work with and our relationship was pure Heaven. As time went on, and we got more serious, we decided to sleep together in February, right before the lockdown. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I was that night – until we got to the bedroom and took off our clothes. To my utter shock, my girlfriend turned out to be a man! I was totally revolted and ran him or her out of my house. Now I get sick to my stomach thinking about our little affair and can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever trust a lover. What do you think about all this?

 – Duped in Albuquerque

I think, if you dated and had a serious relationship with this person and worked with them for who knows how long and didn’t realize that she was a man, you’re a stupid idiot. Or a liberal Democrat, but at least they have an excuse for being morons and dipshits. It’s 2020 and that’s the way things go now. I would feel sorry for you, but all I can think is what a freakin’ idiot. In the next attempt of a relationship, be blunt and ask the person if they have a penis, or ever did have a penis as part of their anatomy. If they say no, you’re good to go and date away. But don’t have kids. If you can’t tell the difference between a man and a woman after working together and dating, you are too stupid to reproduce. Just saying.  

And I guess that’s all for today. Thanks to the Weekly World News and Dear Dottie for the questions. And thanks to you for reading. If you’d like to see more and/or have any problems you’d like a little common sense advice about, let me know. Use the comment box or message me at Doug28352@yahoo.com. I’m here to help and for you. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay away from the crazies. Be safe. I’ll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!

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