Dear Dougie V: Sick Advice From A Sick Mind…

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie V: Sick Advice From A Sick Mind
November 27, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers? Back in the day, these two ladies would offer advice and answer letters written by troubled souls. Sadly, both women have passed on to the great beyond, and while their columns continue, with others who have taken up the roles and duties, it’s just not the same. There’s a void that needs to be filled and guess what? I think I’ll take the challenge and do it. In truth, I’m probably the last person who should be advising anyone, especially when my life is such a train-wreck at times, but why let logic, facts, or common sense get in the way. I like answering questions and being helpful and this is just another way to do that, taking it to the next level.

These letters are from the archives of Dear Abby. Maybe one day, someone will send me some real letters with their actual problems asking for advice. If it happens, I’d ready, willing, and able to help. Until then, consider this my trial run. Let’s do this.

Dear Dougie: I am in love with two boys and don’t know which one to marry. First, there’s Andy. He’s sort of blond and sells insurance. Mama likes him, which helps a lot. He’s very reliable and seems anxious to get married. Then there’s Tony. He’s dark and sort of gives me the creeps. (But they’re awfully nice creeps, if you know what I mean.) I don’t know which one I like best. In the daytime I like Andy, but I believe I like Tony better at night. Which one do you think would make the best husband for me? -ANDY OR TONY?

So Andy is secure, reliable, and a solid, but boring life. Tony is the freak who lives life on the edge and keeps it exciting. Why choose? If you’re seeing both of them, you’re not ready to settle down and get married yet anyhow. So date both. Why settle? Maybe you can pull that Mormon thing and marry both of them if they’re agreeable. Nah, I’m kidding. A threesome is okay in the bedroom, but not in a marriage. Flip a coin to get your answer. Or as I said, don’t stress marriage yet because if you’re writing an advice columnist to determine who Mister Right is, you’re not ready for it yet, and truthfully, both of them deserve better than your confused ass.

Dear Dougie: If you read the papers, you saw the article about the judge who gave a husband permission to spank his wife when she needed it. All I can say is, “It’s about time.” I was beginning to think the women were taking over the country. If more men turned their wives over their knees and showed them who was boss, society would be in better shape. Spanking should be legalized everywhere. -ONE MAN’S OPINION

While I personally enjoy a good spanking every once in a while, the whole idea of spanking the wife as punishment or to discipline her and not in a sexually satisfying way for both parties are stupid and wrong. Who determines when she needs a spanking, and what gives the husband the right to make that call or determine just how much spanking is allowed. Women do have a thing called “rights” and this seems, to me, to violate every personal right or boundary that she has. That judge was an idiot. And now, I’m wishing I had someone here to give me a good spanking. I’ve been very bad. Oy vey!

Dear Dougie: We are two girls who are having a big argument. She’s 17 and I’m 18. She’s a virgin and I’m not, and she says a guy can tell whether a girl is a virgin or not by the way she walks. I say a girl doesn’t walk any differently after she’s gone all the way with a guy than she did before. We’ll be looking for your answer. -WAITING IN COLORADO

Unless the girl is bow-legged from taking on the Football team, there is no way to determine the virginity of a girl just by her walk. Her actions, behavior, language, etc, that all might give an indication to if she’s lost her V-card yet, but unless it’s in high heels while spinning on a stripper pole, the walk doesn’t talk or tell anything.

Dear Dougie: My wife sleeps in the raw. Then she showers, brushes her teeth, and fixes breakfast — still in the buff. We’re newlyweds and there are just the two of us, so I suppose there’s really nothing wrong with it. What do you think? -ED

If she’s comfortable being naked all the time and looks hot, why the hell are you complaining? If she had a hideous body, then cover it up, but you didn’t indicate that so just let it go and let her strut her stuff. Nakedness is a good thing unless you’re a wilderbeast or walking moon-pie. We need more nakedness in this world. I like naked. Let the woman be naked.

Dear Dougie: I’ve been dealing with some emotional stress for well over a year. I’ve recently found out my wife’s ex was much more well-endowed than I am. I understand that’s not the most important thing, but it is messing with me mentally. One reason is, a long time ago when she was drunk, she asked me why it was so small. When I came across pictures of him, it all came back. I feel like we need to talk about it, but I don’t know how to start. I know she will get mad and I don’t think she would tell me the truth. A lot of things go along with these feelings, which is part of why it bothers me so much. I probably need to just let it go, but it continues to haunt me. We have been married for a long time and have had our share of problems. How do I get past this? Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. — NOT MEASURING UP IN ALABAMA

Don’t worry about the size because that’s not what matters. It’s how you use it that matters. Her ex may have been bigger, but she picked and married you. Let me tell you about two brothers I know. One is huge and had a great body. Worst sex ever because he didn’t have skills and didn’t know how to use what he had been blessed with. The younger brother, average size, but every encounter was an experience worth remembering. If you have a wee pee-pee, learn to get oral, read and research, and work with what you have. Worrying about the size of the past guy is crazy. She’s with you and picked you. Now make sure she’ll never regret it by unleashing the beast and rocking her world. And if that doesn’t work, see a therapist. I think Dr. Ruth is still alive.

And I guess that’s all for today. My thanks to the archives of the syndicated Dear Abby columns, for the questions. And thanks to you for reading. If you’d like to see more and/or have any problems you’d like a little common sense advice about, let me know. Use the comment box or message me at Doug28352@yahoo.com. I’m here to help and for you. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay away from the crazies. Be safe. I’ll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!

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