Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie VI: Living On The Edge
December 6, 2020
DougMaynard.com

Remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers? Back in the day, these two ladies would offer advice and answer letters written by troubled souls. Sadly, both women have passed on to the great beyond, and while their columns continue, with others who have taken up the roles and duties, it’s just not the same. There’s a void that needs to be filled and guess what? I think I’ll take the challenge and do it. In truth, I’m probably the last person who should be advising anyone, especially when my life is such a train-wreck at times, but why let logic, facts, or common sense get in the way. I like answering questions and being helpful and this is just another way to do that, taking it to the next level. Let’s do this.

Dear Dougie,
I’m an older woman, single, and live in a great neighborhood. Recently, I had a young man come by and do my yard work. We started talking and one thing led to another and we ended up getting intimate. And now, he won’t stop coming around. What should I do?
_ No Company Please…

You’re a cougar, gave the kid the goodies and now he’s wanting more. To start, I hope this young man was of legal age. If not, you may have opened more than just your legs and have some major legal issues in your future. If he won’t quit coming around, explain to him why it can’t work and why he needs to move on. Be honest that you made a mistake and that he needs to be with girls his own age and not predatory hoochie-mamas. If that doesn’t work, introduce him to one of your female friends and let him go “do work” for her. If she gives up the goods too, but you quit doing so, he’ll become her problem and not yours anymore. Just say no and he’ll get tired of it soon enough and move on.

Dear Dougie,
My boyfriend recently brought home a small kitten that he found abandoned. He loves that kitten and I’ve tried, but the cat scares me. He hisses at me and tries to bite me whenever I get close to my boyfriend. He even pooped in my shoes. My boyfriend thinks it’s funny, but I’m tired of that damn cat and his antics. What should I do?
_ Cat Hater In Concord…

Accidently leave the door open when your boyfriend isn’t home. The kitten escapes out into the world and the problem is solved. Or lure the kitty into a box and take him to the Animal Shelter. Either way, play dumb when asked about it and do your best “Sgt. Shultz”. “I know nothing!”. Or the best solution of all, just pack up and leave. Cats are important and irreplaceable, but girlfriends can come and go. If you can’t show empathy and love for a small kitten, you are a piece of crap and don’t need to be there. The kitten and your boyfriend deserve better. Bye Felica.

Dear Dougie,
I recently met a new girl and she’s perfect. Beautiful, smart, hard-working, and loves to have sex. But there is a problem. She has a high-pitched squeaky voice that drives me crazy. And she talks all the time. I mean, she never shuts up. Help me.
_ Minnie Mouse Talks Too Much

Feed her often to keep her mouth too full to eat. Stick something in there and she’ll be too busy to talk. Or invest in a good set of ear-plugs and learn to say, “Uh-huh” and “Yes” a lot without ever actually hearing the conversation.

Dear Dougie,
My best friend says that John Lennon was the most talented Beatle. I think it was Paul McCartney. I know it’s silly, but we’ve actually had loud arguments over this. Who is right and who was the most talented Beatle? Was it John Lennon or Paul McCartney?
_ Beatle Fans Divided…

You’re both wrong. The most talented was Ringo. After all, he’s managed to ride on that roller coaster of Beatlemania for over fifty-years despite not being a great songwriter, singer, or even a drummer. And if that’s not skill, I don’t know what is.

Dear Dougie,
Does pineapple belong on pizza?
_Pizza Lover

To start with, it’s not pineapple, but Minions on that pizza. That’s what my nephew said many years ago and he’s never wrong. And I like having it on my pizza so I would say yes, it belongs. If people can eat olives (yuck) and dead fishies on pizza, then they can’t complain about chunks f Minions.

Dear Dougie,
My husband works all the time and never has any time for me. We live in a great house and he provides for my every need, but I’m lonely. I recently started talking to this guy who I see around all the time. He’s friendly and attractive and has promised me the world. I love my husband but I need some attention and love too. What should I do?
_Lonely & Alone

He does everything for you, but you’re upset that he’s never home to give you attention because he’s too busy doing everything for you. And now, you’ve got a person who obviously doesn’t work (hence all the free time) and has promised you the world (which you already have, but are too stupid to realize and appreciate). That’s not a man. That’s Jody. Go listen to Marvin Sease for that reference. If you need something more in your life, why not get a job. Get a hobby. Do things to make yourself better than trying to get cozy with Jody. Talk to your husband and be appreciative of what you have. And if you are still obsessed with Jody, go for it, but be ready to lose everything when the hubby finds out (and he eventually will). So take a chance and lose it all or appreciate what you got and work on yourself to fill in the holes and voids you’re feeling. Up to you, but remember, if you stray, the good stuff goes away. Think about it.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, questions, and any letters/problems you’d like to have some of my wisdom imbued upon, give me a shout. Until the next time, stay safe and watch out for the crazies (and Jody). I’ll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!