12 (Dougie) Days Of Christmas – Day 3 – Bad Sex, Snowman & Squirrels…

Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas – Day 3
Bad Sex, Snowmen & Squirrels
December 12, 2020

Greetings and good morning to you. It’s time for Day 3 of 12 as the Dougie Days of Christmas continues. So how is everyone doing with the big pandemic lockdown? No buying alcohol after 9:00 pm. No being out and about from 10:00 pm to 5 am. Wear a mask at all times in public. And don’t have any gatherings unless it’s to burn a building, loot & riot, or shop at Wal-Mart. Big Brother is here and watching and we’re not talking about Santa Claus. I don’t socialize or go out anyway except for with my bro-son and the fam so I’m okay. It’s business as usual. But it all seems a bit like over-reach by Governor Idiot Cooper to me. But that’s the plan with the soon-to-be powers-that-be. And the mindless sheep just follow along, no questions and no complaints. Just give them a check and forgive a loan or two and they’re happy. People don’t think. America is in for a rough road in the days ahead.

But we’re not here to talk about that. Maybe later, but for now, it’s all about the Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas. I should have written this last night as I planned, but now, time is fleeting so let’s can the chit chat and get to work. Magic Bag time and the topics are bad sex, squirrels, and snowmen. Or maybe it’s about squirrels having bad sex with snowmen? I’ve seen stranger things in my many years so it’s a possibility. Let’s do this.

Bad Sex…

There is no such thing as bad sex. I’m not counting rape, assault, or messing with an animal or kid as sex because that’s just about power and control and while sexual acts are involved, it’s not actual sex. Real sex is acts of intimacy between two or more consenting adults trying to get their groove on in some way, shape, or manner. If all the body parts are working and everyone is content or happy, it’s sex and any sex is good.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I met a guy not long ago, via social media of course, that could be pointed to as an example of bad sex. This guy, 22, messaged me and was talking mad shit. I checked him out and he’s cute, great body, obviously athletic, and seemed to have a brain as well. And he started off slowly, but quickly it evolved into some major bragging and innuendo. And of course, I had to talk the junk back because, of course, I did. He tried to call my bluff, but guess what? I don’t bluff unless I’m bluffing, but don’t call me out because I will follow up and call you on it. And so we did. Good looking, great body, well-endowed, and beautiful eyes that were easy to get lost in. And not a clue of what to do or how to do it. All that and he was as lost as a fish in Led Zepplin’s motel room. (Urban legend reference.) And after a few minutes of fumbling, I had to take control, not my favorite thing because I prefer domination and a good spanking, and lead him by the hand to make it work. It was okay, but clearly a disappointment. So does that count as bad sex? Nah, he was still a cute hottie and willing to learn, and damn what a body. So it’s a bad example. Bad sex is like an honest politician. I’m sure they exist, but I’ve never seen one. Let’s move on.


You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer… Wait, my bad! Those are the bully reindeer who tormented Rudolph until they needed something from him. We’re talking Frosty and… were there any other famous snowmen? I know there was a Mrs. Frosty that was created to give the original Frosty a mate and life-partner, but I can’t remember or think of any other famous fictional snowmen. It’s hard to remember what all a snowman is about anyhow. This is North Carolina and we rarely get snow anymore. That must be part of the whole “global warming” that people are talking about.
I really don’t know what to say here though. I’m drawing a blank. I could, I guess, talk about the snowmen that we used to build when I was a kid and we had snow pretty much every winter. It was a man that was made out of snow. Button eyes and a carrot for a nose. And my brother would add boobs or a penis to make it anatomically correct. Now we know where I get it from. I guess I’ll move on now and wrap this sucker up.


Rodents with bushy tails who steal food from the bird feeder, eat nuts, and are fun to watch as they scamper and frolic across the yard. I wrote a story about squirrels once. Here’s the link:

The Train Ride (The Adventures Of Riff & Raff) – Fiction – DougMaynard.com

And I guess that covers the squirrels. Yes, I’m cheesing out here, but my silence and peace is about to end. I hear people up and stirring and I know that any chance to write without constant interruptions is about to come to a screeching halt. I love my family, but sometimes…

I’m out of here. My thanks for reading. Any comments, thoughts, or questions are welcome and appreciated. Stay safe and watch out for the crazies. Happy Holidays everyone and Merry Christmas. I’ll see you tomorrow with Day 4.


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