Dear Dougie VII: Twisted Advice From A Twisted Soul…

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie VII: Twisted Advice From A Twisted Soul
December 17, 2020

Remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers? Back in the day, these two ladies would offer advice and answer letters written by troubled souls. Sadly, both women have passed on to the great beyond, and while their columns continue, with others who have taken up the roles and duties, it’s just not the same. There is a void that needs to be filled and guess what? I think I’ll take the challenge and do it. In truth, I’m probably the last person who should be advising anyone, especially when my life is such a train-wreck at times, but why let logic, facts, or common sense get in the way. I like answering questions and being helpful and this is just another way to do that, taking it to the next level. Let’s do this.

Dear Dougie,
The Governor of my state has issued a mandatory order to wear facemasks in public due to the fake Covid-19 pandemic. I don’t think it’s constitutional. I wear one at work to keep my boss happy, but to be forced to wear one even when in my car alone? That’s insane. My wife says to just do it. I don’t think I should have to. What do you think?
-A Mask Of Resentment

Yes, it’s inconvenient and this virus is suspect at best, but your wife is right to insist you just do it and wear a mask. It has nothing to do with trying to be safe and help prevent the spread (it does), but I saw the picture that you enclosed. You’re an ugly-ass clown. Wear the mask so you don’t scare people or small children with your hideous looks. Covering that face may not be constitutional, but it makes all of us feel better. Just do it.

Dear Dougie,
My brother has decided that he is actually a woman and was born in the wrong body. He’s 62, 6’5, 300lbs, and has a full beard. He drives a truck for a living and sounds like an idiot when he insists we all call him Glory instead of his given name (Conrad). Has he gone crazy? Help.
-Trans Bro In Cleveland

Yes, he’s gone crazy. It sounds as if he’s been brainwashed by the liberal left and lost any bit of common sense that he may have had. But what the hell. He’s 62 years old so if he wants to be a delusional freak, so be it. Leave the man alone and let him be your family’s own personal Bruce Jenner. It’s his life and not yours.

Dear Dougie,
I am 12 years old and share a room with my older brother, who is 15. He farts all the time and his feet stink. Our bedroom smells like feet and farts. I complained to Mom, but she just laughed at me. What should I do?
-Stinky Feet

Buy some air fresheners and hang them all over your bedroom, plus go to the Dollar store and buy lots of cans of spray and just blast away every time he farts or takes the shoes off. Or move to the couch. Stinky feet and teenage boys go together. Your time is coming so just suck it up and tough it out kiddo.

Dear Dougie,
My Pops drinks a pint of Gin every day. I tried to get him to cut back, but he says I need to mind my own business and leave him be. He’s 86 years old. How do I convince him that drinking like that is bad for him and he should quit?
-Worried For Drunk Daddy

He’s 86 years old? Mind your own damn business, quit nagging, and leave the man alone. He’s earned the right to drink what he wants and do what he wants. Leave the poor man be.

Dear Dougie,
My mother is smoking a lot of dope and I’d give anything to help her get off. What can I do to help her, Dotti?
–Sad in Frisco

Look at my answer to the previous letter. Change the old gin drinker to your pothead mama and re-read the rest of the answer. Leave your Mama be and mind your own damn business. .

Dear Dougie,
I’m so depressed I don’t know what to do. you see, I’m ugly – real ugly – and I’ve never met a woman who’ll have anything to do with me. Do you have any advice to help me find a woman or am I doomed to a life of loneliness?
–Ugly in Columbia.

Work hard and become rich. And then the women will start coming around like moths to a porch light. Or lower your standards a bit. There are women out there just as ugly as you are and they’re looking hard. One of these desperate bow-wows might be Miss Right. Just keep looking and keep that face-mask on at all times and you’ll be okay.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, questions, and any letters/problems you’d like to have some of my wisdom imbued upon, give me a shout. Until the next time, stay safe and watch out for the crazies. I’ll see you on the flip side. I love you guys.


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