Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie:
Memories & Reflection: Part 1
November 10, 2021
DougMaynard.com

What I’d like now is for everyone to sit back while I take a journey back to many years ago. I found some old notebooks and they’re full of my writings from many years ago. I need to clean out some of the clutter around this house and what better way to begin than with tossing a few of these old notebooks? But since I don’t want to lose the stuff I wrote, I’ll just transfer it here to the site and then it’s here forever. The notebooks then get trashed and I get a chance to share some memories at the same time in new material for the site. It’s an all-win. Don’t judge though. This stuff is from nearly thirty years ago and I was a messed up and slightly demented young un back then. I’m much better now… really. Let’s do this.

I want to go home
I thought this was my house
But it’s not
I don’t belong here
I need to leave
I need to set my soul free
This place holds nothing for me
I can’t take much more
I want to be released
To finally
Rest In Peace

8/26/92

What do I want to get out of this relationship? What am I after? I see no reason for enduring what I do. Rather that I just do. I’ve nothing to gain and everything to lose. The tunnel is pitch black and there is no light at the end. Just still I stumble forward, blindly in the dark. The trail is bumpy and dangerous. I’m in jeopardy, yet I carry on. The only question is… why?

8/26/92

We’re not friends
Not really
We get along fine
But I know nothing of him
and he knows less of me
yet now our lives are intertwined
almost every action requires cooperation
a little knowledge can be dangerous
no knowledge can be worse
I need to know where I stand
what’s the deal?
I need to let him know the same
and let things happen as they will
maybe we’ll discover much in common
and friendship will blossom
Maybe we’ll have nothing in common
and the blossom will die away
But I’d like to know my place
just where I stand and belong
in conjunction with my friend
and sooner or later
I will

8/26/92

When life ceases to be fun
when every day is just another struggle and heartache
why bother going on?
If you cease to be useful
then you’re useless
And need to be removed
I am no longer useful
thus I need to be removed.

8/28/92

Who am I? A guy who takes himself too seriously as well as all of life, but constantly belittles himself and his skills to others. The one who puts others first, often at great cost to himself. The wild party man who would rather just be alone. I care about everyone and everything, but myself.
I am a fool.

8/28/92

Repression
Suppression
I don’t pay it no attention
A procession
an election
go in both directions

move into the twilight
deep into the night
none of your business
what I do with my life
I know what’s right.

8/29/92

To exist
to survive
I must repress myself
my feelings
values
dreams
I must be what they want
and expect
rather than what I am
who I am

I live a life of fiction
and fantasy
even I don’t know the truth anymore
I no longer know myself
as if I ever did
kind of sad really
but it’s the way I have to live
live or die
happy or sad
my choice
but really
no choice at all
‘Nuff said

8/30/92

If I’m not who I appear to be
nor what I want to be
then who am I?
And why do I carry on
with this charade, I call life?

8/30/92

And finally… song lyrics.

I was lost and scared
couldn’t find my way
no happy endings here
and I’m so scared

engulfed in blackness
hidden from the day
I hear someone scream
that’s not me

(chorus)
break it to me gently
if you can
I’ll try to take it
like a man
out of my element
set me free
cause where I’m at is where
I want to leave

One dozen roses
stuck by the thorns
a night at the opera
hides the devil’s horns
never to be reborn

(chorus)
break it to me gently
if you can
I’ll try to take it
like a man
out of my element
set me free
cause where I’m at is where
I want to leave

8/31/92

And I guess I’ll stop now. All this from August of 1992 and looking back at it now, I had some freaking issues. But I’m much better now. Thanks for sharing these memories with me and reading. Take care and stay safe and I’ll be back again soon. See you then.

Ubuntu!