Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions By Casper
M&M’s, Coffee, Sleep & More
December 22, 2021
DougMaynard.com

The great and exalted Casper (@ghostly_host) likes to ask random questions. I like to answer them. It’s Questions By Casper and it all starts right now,

How much coffee do you drink in a day?

I love the smell of a fresh pot of coffee brewing, but it tastes absolutely disgusting. I’ve never had a taste for it and don’t really expect that I ever will.

Do you drink coffee every day?

I never drink… coffee.

How long does it take you to wake up?

It varies. There are times that I can go from a coma-like dead sleep to wide awake in seconds and other days, I might be moving about and doing things, but the mind is still zoned-out and snoozing hard.

How long does it take you to fall asleep?

At times, just moments. At other times, it doesn’t really happen and I’m awake all night.

What is the worst thing to smell in a vehicle?

Stale beer, feet, or after-sex odor from two nasty-ass peeople. Yes Karen and Mitchell, I’m speaking of you.

What is your favorite fruit?

I like most fruits, but my current favorites are apples or bananas. Richard Simmons was always cool too.

What is your favorite vegetable?

The ones in the wheelchairs. They’re easier to catch. Damn, that’s so wrong, especially since I’m sitting in a wheelchair right now. I guess I’ll go with beans. But hey guys, if you’re cute, I’m in a wheelchair and easy to catch. Call me.

Who would you want to narrate a movie of your life?

How about the gut who does the Motel 6 commercials. “We’ll leave the light on for you!”. That would be cool. Or Stewie from Family Guy. Why does he have that accent? I don’t know, but he would be great.

If you were to have a movie of your life made, what would its title be?

That’s an easy one. Tossing Salt.

Do psychics use caller ID?

Everyone uses caller ID. That way, we know when to let the machine pick up instead of answering.

Have you ever met a psychic that didn’t know why you came to see them?

No, I can’t say that I have, but if I did go see a psychic, she’d better have three nipples. That’s a Mallrats reference by the way.

What is your favorite number pencil?

Is there any other number besides 2? I can’t recall ever seeing a “1” pencil or a “5” pencil. I remember that every time we took one of those standardized tests, the California Achievement Tests despite the fact that we live in North Carolina, the teachers would always insist we use a #2 pencil. I never quite understood why, but I’m sure that they had their reasons.

If you were a farm animal, what would you be?

Do farms have tigers? Well, Joe Exotic’s farm did until that bitch, Carole Baskin came along. Tigers are so cool. And Joe, he’s kind of creepy, but I’d hang out with him if I had the chance. I’d love to hang out with his last husband. NICE! But back to the farm animal stuff. How about a duck. I remember a duck from the local college, St. Andrews, that we named Quacky Joe. He was a damn cool duck, so in his honor, I’ll say duck.

What is your most prized possession?

I don’t really care about material things so I’ll go with my fur-baby Mouthie. That cat has been my rock and comfort so many times with just pure, unconditional love. He’s my therapist and best non-human friend and I love the furry=ass kid. So there you go.

Do you think the different colors of M&Ms taste different?

Not really. The different colors of the peanut taste slightly different in my opinion, but the plain M&M’s taste all the same to me.

What kind of light bulbs do you use?

Mom likes to buy those spiral energy-efficient type bulbs that don’t put out much light but save electricity. I think they suck. I just want a good old-fashioned GE light bulb that brightens up the place, literally.

Why are there no white M&Ms?

There is. His name is Marshall Mathers.

Do you have a “Race” card?

So I’ve been told and it’s called “white privilege”, but I’ve never seemed to be able to take advantage of or use it properly. I’m just a poor-ass white boy homo-redneck trying to get by day to day and week to week. Nothing more and nothing less. Racism sucks anyhow. Skin color doesn’t matter. You’re cool or you’re shit, period! The race card and white privilege are just shit labels used by idiots to try to get something for nothing and milk the system. By the way, Let’s Go Brandon.

Why do they call it white chocolate when there is no such thing?

Well, they have to call it something and it’s not brown.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions you may have about anything, then feel free and drop me a line. Until the next time, take care and stay safe. Have a very Merry Christmas and I’ll see you at the old Yule Log.

Ubuntu!