Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie
Advice With An Edge
December 27, 2021
DougMaynard.com

Everyone knows who Dear Abby and Ann Landers are, right? Well, they’re all well and good with their advice, but it’s time for another point of view. Advice from a middle-aged man with nothing better to do, that’s what we’re doing here. It’s Dear Dougie and it all starts right now.

Dear Dougie: Am I a bad person for wanting my husband to put his family before the fire department? He’s a part-time firefighter who spends all his time at the firehouse gambling away all our savings in card games. Things are so bad that he actually refused to go visit my mother in Florida last fall.
— Sick of Firemen in Akron.

A fireman is a well-respected and noble profession and you should be proud of your husband. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend some time with the boys. Quit being so jealous and use the time that he’s
away playing cards to make friendships of your own. Or use that time to embrace a hobby. If he was home, he’d be in your way and you’d be irritated and we both know it. As for visiting your mother, what guy wants to travel across the country to visit a mother-in-law? None that I know. Quit stressing and make the best of the time you do spend with your husband, but let him have his space as well.

Dear Dougie: Nobody believes a space alien made me pregnant even though I haven’t had a period for 4 months, and am getting bigger by the day. And he’s disappeared. What should I do?
–Frustrated in Kansas City

Contact Social Services and get a check. And by the way, the short little guy was from Mexico, not Mars, so while he’s still an illegal alien, he’s not of the outer space variety. He’s gone and you’re on your own. I feel for the kid since you’re obviously an idiot, but don’t worry. Just go sign up for Government aid and they’ll take care of you.

Dear Dougie: Hey there! My boyfriend and I are pretty happy but for one thing. He thinks he’s Rachael Ray but he’s more like McDonald’s status! His cooking tastes atrocious, but I don’t have the heart to tell him. He tried making vegan stir fry and I ended up with uncooked noodles and burnt tofu. Please help!!
–I Can’t Stomach This Love

Tell him the truth and offer to help teach him how to cook or else start ordering out… a lot. He’ll eventually get the hint.

Dear Dougie: I’m one of those people who went against his or her better judgment and had a relationship with a co-worker. We broke up over a year ago, and after a brief awkward period, things turned out just fine. She moved away recently, and a new employee who started after she left seems interested in me. Knowing of course that I probably shouldn’t have dated someone in my office in the first place, does that rule then apply doubly so after I’ve broken it once? Or am I just thinking too traditionally?
–Office Romeo

Leave your coworker alone. You’re just asking for a sexual harassment lawsuit and trip to Human Resources for being a jerk and the company ho. A workplace romance is all well and good until someone loses interest or gets mad about something and then everyone has to suffer. Three words for you. Don’t Do Dat!

And that’s enough for now. If you’re having any issues in your life and want some good old-fashioned practical advice, drop me a line. Let’s talk. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome as well. Until the next time, take care and be good. I’ll see you in the funny pages.

Ubuntu!