Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie
Heartfelt Advice From A Twisted Black Heart
January 16, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Yeah, we’ve all heard of Dear Abby and Ann Landers and listened to their advice over the years. They’re so nice, right? Well, to hell with being nice. It’s time to get real. It’s Dear Dougie with real advice from the heart, a twisted black heart that is. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

Dear Dougie: My boyfriend dumped me because I don’t wear makeup or trendy clothes like other girls. Where do I go from here? – Plain Jane

Have you ever seen the movie “Grease”? At the end, Olivia Newton John slutted herself up so John Travolta would want her. Are you better than Olivia Newton John? I don’t think so. Put on some make-up, dress up a bit, and make your man feel like he’s got a prize. Otherwise, you’ll be a sad sack forever. There’s nothing wrong with putting on the Ritz every so often. Try it. You’ll like it.

Dear Dougie: How should I handle this? My girlfriend says either we get married, or she’ll dump me. It’s been 7 years since we started dating, but I’m not ready to get married. I love her, but she’s leaving me unless we get married in 3 months. – Reluctant Groom

She’s tired of giving the milk for free and after seven years, she’s right. It’s time to put a ring on that finger. If you’re not ready for that level of commitment by now, you’re never going to be ready and she deserves better. Take the plunge. Try it. You’ll like it.

Dear Dougie: I am married, but I had an affair with someone; now, he threatens to ruin my life. How should I handle this? – Confused Cheater

You’re a cheating piece of crap and deserve to have your life ruined. I would say confess to your man, apologize, and let things fall where they may. He may forgive me and go whip the guy’s ass for threatening you. Or he may whip your ass for being a cheating ho’. Either way, karma prevails and life goes on. 

Dear Dougie: In place of “sir,” “madam” and “miss,” how should one address a nonbinary person or a person whose gender is unknown when you don’t know their name? I once asked this of a friend with a nonbinary child, and she became very defensive, insisting that saying “excuse me” was good enough. I just don’t think “excuse me” conveys the respect I want to afford a stranger, nor does it go beyond getting someone’s attention. -Pronoun Confusion

If you’re not sure of their gender and don’t know their name, excuse me works quite well. And if you’re still determined to use a pronoun, just take a guess. You have a fifty-percent chance of being right so what the hell, give it a shot. And here’s a hint. If you see an Adam’s apple, it’s a guy. If you see boobs, it’s a girl. And if they get upset if you get it wrong, just bust them in the face because they’re not worth dealing with anyhow.

Dear Dougie: After we divorced, my ex-wife kept using my last name. We’d married young and her professional reputation was built with that name, so it made sense. It is a small town, so I’m occasionally asked if we’re related, but it’s not too bad. I’m going to be married to a woman who wants to take my last name and has a fairly unusual, culturally specific first name—think “Gretel.” So she’s now going to be Mrs. Gretel [Myname]. Except my ex has, apparently, recently changed her first name to Gretel too—so they’ll both have the same first and last name. (My ex’s old first name was much more generically popular.) Obviously, anyone can change her name to whatever she wants, but this seems weird. But what can I do? Tell my fiancée? Try to talk to my ex about it? Just agree with people that it is really weird? I could take my fiancée’s last name, but we both really like my surname, and I’m worried that if there’s something odd going on with my ex that it will just be postponing the real issue. – Copycat Ex

Your ex-wife is a freakin’ nutcase. It’s just that simple. So what to do? Talk to your ex-wife and ask her what the deal is and why she’s being a cuckoo whacko. If she gets upset, just ignore her and leave it be. Do make sure that you and your future wife are armed and have concealed weapons permits, as well as a good security system at your home. You’re going to need it. Also, be glad that you didn’t have kids with this mental midget. One time to try and talk and if that doesn’t work, ignore and hope for the best. 

And there you go. Any comments, thoughts, or questions you may have or if you have a problem and you’d like some friendly advice, drop me a line and we’ll chat. Until the next time, take care and be safe. Stay warm because it’s cold, wet, and icy out there. Have a great one and I’ll see you next time.

Ubuntu!