Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie:
Medical Updates, Bartenders & Late Night Talk Shows
January 26, 2022
DougMaynard.com

It’s 6:00 am and do you know where your children are? Well, they’re not here. It’s too damn early for company, even though I would be elated to see my bro-son right about now. Well, maybe after the sun comes up. It’s too damn early, but I miss him. And the family. Yeah, I’m kind of feeling lost, lonely, and in my feelings right now. That should make for a fun bit of writing this morning. I hate people. Just saying.

And do you want to know why? I shouldn’t talk about this stuff in the blogs, but given my only in-person human contact these days are doctors and my Mom, I need to talk to someone, and right now, the fur babies just ain’t going to cut it. So if you’re interested in hearing me do the “Woe is me” bit for a couple of paragraphs, read on. Otherwise, skip ahead to the topics of discussion, the reason we’re all here, and just read those.

Are you still here? Okay, get ready for a MEDICAL UPDATE:

I went to see the man who makes prosthetics yesterday. We’ve been unable to get going on crafting me a new foot due to that my stump, where my foot used to be, won’t shrink properly to fit into a socket for the prosthesis. It needs to be 16″ to fit properly. I went four weeks ago and it was 18″. So I spent the last several weeks with my stump wrapped in what is known as a stump shrinker and keeping the foot elevated. I went yesterday and it had shrunk… down to 17″. And we discussed it and discovered why it’s not doing as it should. Muscle.

Yeppers, my friends, I have too much muscle in my leg. I’ve always had big calves since I was a teenager. It’s something about constant walking, running, bike-riding, etc., then I got older and became a fat boy, but I still walked often, stood 8-10 hours a day on my feet, and as a result, I kept those big calves. And now, I need smaller calves so I can get fitted for a prosthetic and we’re finding out the hard way that muscle doesn’t shrink easily. I’m in a quandary.

So here are my options. Use some extreme methods of doubling-up on the stump shrinkers and constant elevation for two weeks, praying that it works and I can lose one inch around my calf muscle or… we go back to the surgery, up under the knife, and have it surgically cut away and removed in that manner. I do not want to go under the knife again. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my days in a wheelchair either. So pray this works. Pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

And now, let’s do a very brief Day of Dougie. I need two topics. Normally, I do three, but I’ve already broken the 500-word mark and I prefer to keep these at less than 1000 words so they won’t be too long or boring for y’all. So, infamous Magic Bag, what you got? We have Bartender and Late Night Talk Shows. Okay, and now that we know what I’m rambling about, it’s time to just do it. So let’s do this.

Bartender…

We all know who the bartender is, right? The one who fixes our adult beverages, and listens to us as we spill our heart, providing an ear when there is no one else around. Hell, by that description, you fine folks, are my faithful bartenders. Well, I need a beer. Wait, it’s 6:30 in the morning. I need a Dew Zero then. Hold on for a moment.

And we’re back and I have a Dew in hand. Now back to bartending. That is something that I’ve always wanted to try, to have a small bar, Cheers style, where everyone knows your name. My only problem is that I am not good at fixing mixed drinks. What do you want? Here’s a beer. And you want what else? Here’s a beer? Okay, I don’t want to be a bartender. I have several friends who know all about that, the art of mixing drinks, and I guess they’d have to come work for me if I had a bar and take care of the drink orders. I’d just be the beer guy. Do you want Bud Light or Natural? And that works fine for me.

I couldn’t be a bartender anyhow. I don’t like being around a bunch of drunks. If I’m drinking too, it’s fine and I’ll have fun, but being the only sober one in a room full of drunks, that’s not fun at all. And this isn’t going anywhere so I’ll just insert a video and move on. It’s George Jones and James Taylor doing the song, “Bartender’s Blues”. It’s a good song, Enjoy.

Late Night Talk Shows…

I remember when the talk shows late at night used to be good and entertaining. We had Johnny Carson at the Tonight Show, David Letterman on Late Night, and folks like Craig Kilborne, Conan, Arsenio Hall, and even Tom Snyder all out there each night as well, being entertaining and keeping us awake when we should be sleeping.

And then, it happened. Johnny retired and Dave moved to CBS and it all went to shit. Jay Leno? Who gives a damn about Leno? He didn’t even mention Carson’s name when he took over the Tonight Show, and then the deal where he screwed over Conan, was even worse. Then we had idiots like Steven Colbert, George Lopez, Chelsea Handler, Seth Meyers, and Jimmy Kimmel, most of who couldn’t be funny in a room full of custard pies all getting their own shows. Yes, there have been some bright spots like Craig Ferguson and on occasion, Jimmy Fallon, but for the most part, late-night television has gone from must-see TV to no one wants to see this shit! It started with Leno and went downhill from there.

And as a person who always enjoyed and loved late-night television, from Carson’s monologue to Letterman’s Top Ten List to Conan being awkward and confused, it has not been a pretty sight or easy to watch. I almost forgot Space Ghost Coast To Coast on Adult Swim. That was cool! But the rest, I blame Jay!

And this is where we wrap things up. Yeah, this edition of the Days of Dougie sucks ass, much like a monologue by Chevy Chase, but they can’t all be winners. I’ll probably try again later today after breakfast, a shower, and my Meds. Until then, take care of yourself and be good. I’ll see you at the bar.

Ubuntu!