Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie:
Crossroads, Fraggle Rock & Most Uncomfortable Place
January 31, 2022
DougMaynard.com

It’s Monday again. No wonder I’m waking up feeling like I just came off a week-long binge drunk and that someone snuck into my room as I slept last night and beat my unconscious body with a Wiffle Ball bat. Shout out to the Beastie Boys. I very rarely drink though and I don’t play Wiffle Ball. Hell, I’m not even sure what Wiffle Ball is, but it sounds like some sort of Fifty shades type toy, but available only in Brooklyn, as in No Sleep Till. Yes, I have the Beastie Boys on my mind and I feel a need to suck it up and be social, find a couple of friends, and get totally hammered. After all, they had to fight… for our right… to party! And I’m rambling so none of this makes any sense. Let me grab a Dew Zero and I’ll be right back

That is so good, the first sip of Dew in the AM. I think that’s all I needed. I feel better already. Just picture Lestat, played by Tom Cruise, in the movie Interview With A Vampire, right at the end when he takes a bite out of Christian Slater, right before he offers him a choice that he himself never had. That was a great movie and even though I don’t really consider myself to be a fan of either Tom Cruise and his couch-jumping self or Brad Pitt with his micro-penis, yes I saw the pics in Playgirl all those years ago, and just like Shania Twain said, “that don’t impress me much!”, they were perfect in that movie and as Lestat and Louis, they rocked the whole vampire act. And what was I saying? The Dew was good and I feel better already. So let’s quit with the chit-chat and get focused. This is a Day of Dougie and I’m Dougie and you’re not.

So what I’m doing here, besides sipping on the Dew Zero, is I’m going to reach into the Magic Bag and pull out two topics of discussion from deep inside it’s the inner realm of creative magic. No, I don’t know what that means, but I’ll do it anyhow and whatever topics are pulled at random, that’s what I’m writing about with no prior warning or preparation. And yes, you’re right that normally I withdraw three topics from the Magic Bag, but I already have one in mind to write about so with that one already in my head, I only need two more to get my customary three. My first topic of discussion will be Crossroads. Yes, I watched the movie last night. He was a weenie as the Karate Kid, but as Lightning in this movie, Ralph Macchio was still a weenie, but the movie rocks. I’ll go more into that in a minute, but first, let me figure out what my other two topics are. We reach into the bag and we have Fraggle Rock and Most Uncomfortable Place. And now that I have my topics on hand, as they say in Buckingham Palace, “You just killed the Queen’s Yorkie!”. No, they never say that. That line came from a dream I had a long time ago and still remember for some reason. That poor, poor dog. What they really say, and I’ll say it here, is, “Let’s do this!”. And we shall, right now.

The Crossroads…

Crossroads is two things. One is a very good movie from 1986, starring The Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio and Joe Seneca. And it pays homage to the legendary bluesman Robert Johnson who allegedly sold his soul to the devil to achieve success. The best part of the movie is when Macchio cuts heads with Steve Vai towards the end. The perfect ending and I’d encourage everyone and anyone to go watch it and enjoy it. It gets the Dougie Seal of Okey-Dokeyness. But there’s one thing about the movie, the second thing, that makes me think. Yes, only one thing that involves thinking. The rest of the time, I just sit there in a mindless trance, drooling on myself like a current occupant in a certain office in the White House. or a Day Walker from the Living Dead. But the movie is loosely based around Robert Johnson and how he took that walk to the crossroads, met up with Legma, aka the devil, and made a deal to be the best. And I wonder if I was to go to the crossroads near here, set up a computer, and start writing, would a mysterious figure show up and offer me a deal to be a great blogger/writer? Actually, with my luck, I’d be hit by a bus and two mini-vans, driven by Karens, who would be screaming at me to get out of the road or else they’ll call the manager. I don’t need to meet Legma anyhow. I’m already sexy and I know it. Ummm, I mean I write good. Maybe not today, but I have my moments. So no crossroads for me unless it’s going to Nic’s Pic Kwik to get some Taters and Chicken. That store is located at a crossroads. So does that mean the manager there is the devil? Hmmm again. Let’s move on.

Fraggle Rock…

Way back when a younger man wore my clothes, there was a series on HBO with a unique subspecies of Muppet called Fraggles. They lived in Fraggle Rock. And while I wasn’t able to watch them often since we didn’t have HBO, I did manage to see a few episodes. It was weird, like being on a mild acid trip, strange. And I’ve only done acid twice in my life, both times when I was young and stupid, so my experiences on an acid trip are very limited. All I remember is a woman’s hair laughing at me. But that was not a good experience and Fraggle Rock was like that, but much better. I can’t even remember the names of the various Fraggles, but I do remember a big, goofy Muppet dude and his doggy and they kept trying to catch the Fraggles. It was just like Gargamel trying to catch Smurfs, but not quite as smurfy. I’ll cheese out and just do the video intro from the show so we can all get warm and fuzzy in the tum-tum as we get swept up in a moment of nostalgia. You’re welcome. Here’s the video and then we’re moving on.

Most Uncomfortable Place…

So what is the most uncomfortable place that a person can experience? Is it in the boss’s office? Is it in front of a crowd? Is it while meeting the parents of your slutty love interest? Is it while waking up next to the daytime hooker after a wild binge? Is it when the love of your life asks, “Does this make me look fat?”. And the answer my friends is none of these. The most uncomfortable place, as testified to by the manager of Fashionable Male, is… the back of a Volkswagen. And if you know why and what movie this references, you are definitely my people. And just so you know, they’re not wrong. Words of experience here. I used to drive a bug. Damn, I feel like going back to the Mall.

And there you go. My thanks for joining me this morning and reading all my ever-so-confusing, but always enjoyable stuff. Any comments, thoughts, or questions you may have, or if you just want to come by one day and drink a cold one so we can pay homage to the Beastie Boys and Chaka Khan, drop me a line and we’ll do it, make it happen, or whatever the case may be. We may even play Wiffle Ball. Take care and be safe and don’t forget to brush your teeth after every meal. I’ll see you in a while, Crocodile.

Ubuntu!