Tossing Salt Presents:
Ultimate Wrestling Q&A
Funny Questions Edition
May 7, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Sometimes, I get some weird questions in my inbox. Sometimes, they’re downright insane. Well, I decided to put them all in one column and give it a shot. That’s what we’re doing here. Happy Corbin and Madcap Moss would be so proud. It’s the Ultimate Wrestling Q&A, Funny Questions Edition. Let’s do this.

What would you rather NOT face? A wedgy by Doink The Clown. A sweaty hug by George The Animal Steele. Or a fart from Andre The Giant while in head scissors? I know which one I would definitely try to avoid.

A sweaty hug, I could handle. A wedgy is uncomfortable but bearable. Have your head stuck between the legs of Andre the Giant while he cuts loose with a moist, loud, stinky fart? That would be not only vile and disgusting but also possibly puke-inducing. No Giant-sized farts for me, please.

If you could pick a Hollywood director to book a wrestling event who would it be and why?

How about Kevin Smith? If he can handle Jason Mewes for the past twenty-five or so years, a bunch of wrestlers shouldn’t be a problem.

If you could have two wrestlers fight each other on dinosaurs, which two wrestlers and dinosaurs would you choose? Also, where will they battle? Luchasaurus is disqualified from the choices.

For a Dinosaur match, it would be Jungle Boy, riding a Triceratops, taking on Jungle Jim Steele, who would be riding a Stegosaurus. Why these men? Because they’re from the jungles and would be used to riding around on wild animals. And where would they battle? Madison Square Garden, of course.

How would it look if, instead of Kevin Feige, Vince Russo was booking the MCU?

Instead of movies setting the groundwork and building to a major event, we’d get two or three clusterf*cks of movies instead, where the origins of Iron Man, Captain Marvel, Captain America, Squirrel Girl, and Howard the Duck are all combined into one very confusing movie, and then without explanation, Loki would be marrying Black Widow while Thanos kills the Asgardians. And that’s a shoot, brother. Yeah, we are definitely much better off with Kevin Feige.

If you could feed any wrestler a meal that you prepared, what would it be, and how would they react?

I’d fix chili for The Original Horsemen, Ric, Arn, Tully, and Ole. Ric would start wooing and probably try to get naked. Arn and Tully would compliment me on the meal and say, “Good stuff!”. And Ole, he’d just grunt and say, “It’s the shits!”.

Who do you think makes the better grilled cheese and why? MJF or Wardlow?

Wardlow. I’m pretty sure that MJF has never made a grilled-cheese sandwich in his life. That’s what the maid or cook is for.

If Hook was cast in Dustin Hoffman’s place as Hook, who would you cast as Smee and Pan?

Hook as Hook? That makes me smile for some reason. As for who would be Smee and Pan, how about Sonny Kiss as Pan, and Smee? Given their recent interactions, how about Danhausen. Then we would call Smee “Smeehausen”. Works for me.

The Fiend, Bob Holly, Doink the Clown, and Danhausen are riding in a car together. Who picks the best road trip snacks?

Can you just imagine a cop pulling a car over and these four men step out? This is one heck of a combination. As for who picks the snacks, I’d go with The Fiend. Holly & Danhausen are too skinny, and Doink, he’s just a joker, but you can look at the Fiend. That’s a man who likes to eat.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, or any questions, serious or silly, are welcome and appreciated. Until the next time, take care and be good. I’ll see you at the Funny Farm.

Ubuntu!