Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 11: Blow Pops, Frog Legs, and Reindeer Games
December 23, 2022
DougMaynard.com

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. At least that’s how the song goes, but to be honest, it feels nothing at all like Christmas right now. It’s supposed to finally get cold for the next three days so it’ll be weather appropriate with the temperature at least, but the usual Christmas buzz, it’s just not there.

Maybe I’ll be visited by three ghosts tonight or tomorrow night and be like Scrooge, waking up terrified, but finally in the spirit. Then I can go visit Tiny Tim, give everyone a bunch of lottery tickets, potentially thousands of dollars or maybe not, and finish the day by having a heart three times too big.

No. Wait! That was the Grinch. He got a big heart by eating with Cindy Lou Who and some breaking & entering. And besides, wasn’t an enlarged heart what killed Eddie Guerrero? Damn, I don’t want to die. Dominick isn’t my fake son. I have a cool guy instead. He’s awesome, and so is the rest of the family. And this is getting way off track. All I want is to feel the magic and spirits of the holiday. I guess I’d better go get drunk instead. That always works.

Okay, that’s enough of all that. Let’s get the Magic Bag and find three topics to write about. It’s the Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas. It’s Day 11 and we’re almost through. So I’ve got the bag in hand. The topics for today are Blow Pops, Frog Legs, and Reindeer Games. Okay, this one might get weird, but don’t they all at some point? Let’s do this.

Blow Pops

A hard shell of candy with bubble gum in the middle, all in the form of a lollipop. So you allegedly suck on it for a while, all hard and filling up your mouth, unless you reach the delicious goodness inside. Are we really talking about candy?

Or you do it the other way and just bite, using your teeth to crack the hard shell, chipping away until the candy coating has been removed and all that’s left is a wet stick and the bubble-gum goodness.

What’s your method of doing the whole blow-pop thing? Lick, suck, and take your time to get the inner treat? Or is it bite and use the teeth to break through the outer wall to force your way to the best part of the pop? If it’s the second, I don’t want to date you. If it’s the first, call me. Let’s talk!

Yes, that was totally inappropriate. Let’s move on.

Frog Legs

The hindquarters of a frog. They use them to jump. Well, that and model pantyhose. They also taste like chicken or so I’ve been told. Who the hell eats frog legs anyhow? Look at a frog. Does it look like a Big Mac to you? No, it looks like a green version of Delores Umbridge from the Harry Potter books/movies, but more attractive and more pleasurable to be around. Not appetizing at all.

And what happens to the frogs after their legs are cut off to be shaken & baked and put in a kid’s lunchbox? Are they given little tiny wheelchairs to get around on for the rest of their lives? Are they given little Froggie prosthetics and crutches to help them in life? Do they ride around on subway cars on a skateboard, asking for money and singing, “I have no legs! I have no legs!”. All because someone wanted to eat their legs.

Leave the froggies alone. Just drink their wine, watch them on the Muppet Show, and quit ruining their lives by making them cripples. And there you go. Let’s move on and wrap this up.

Reindeer Games

So what exactly are the Reindeer Games? I know that it was a movie that starred Ben Affleck, but I’ve never seen it. If Kevin Smith isn’t attached to the project, I don’t watch Affleck movies. Okay, I’m lying. I did watch the Batman and Justice League stuff. And Daredevil. I watched that one too. Yes, I was the one.

But those are movies and not the kind of reindeer games I’m thinking about for today’s edition of the Day of Dougie. This is supposed to be Christmas themed so I’m thinking about the games that Santa’s reindeer liked to play. You know the ones that they wouldn’t let Rudolph participate in until they realized they needed him and showed what hypocritical assholes they truly were.

So what were the Reindeer Games? Did they play tag? Did they practice flying? Did they play kickball? How about Monopoly or Uno? What games the Reindeer actually played was never really specified or talked about in the song or cartoon. All we know is that the other reindeer were cruel little bullies and deserve to be turned into venison and jerky. Yeah, just keep a skeleton crew to pull the sleigh and put the rest of them in the meat grinder. I’m sure that Reindeer Legs would taste far better than Frog Legs and be more filling as well. Yeah, leave the froggies alone and if you want some animal legs for dinner, use the mean, bully reindeer instead. That’ll teach them to not allow poor Rudolph to be part of their games, and will feed your family too.

And there you go. It’s another edition in the books and maybe I didn’t offend anyone too much this time. Yeah, I probably did, but it’s all good. My thanks for reading. Thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated. We’ll be back tomorrow with the final edition as we celebrate Christmas Eve. I hope everyone is doing well and has a very Merry Christmas. I’ll see you then.

Ubuntu!