Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #13
Random Twitter Q&A
March 15, 2023
DougMaynard.com

In a world full of questions, it’s always fun to reply with an answer or two. I used to do a regular piece called “Questions By Casper”, but alas, Casper has gone MIA. But others have stepped up to fill the void. Just random questions from my Twitter friends. Are you ready? Let’s go.

What’s your least favorite chore around the house?

Cleaning that damn litter box. I love my two fur babies, but damn, those two boys are so full of crap and they make sure to let me know it as often as possible. At least twice a day and sometimes more, it’s scooping time. But what’s a man supposed to do? Damn cats!

What’s a great song with “Old” in the title?
(Please include the artist).

My first thought was the song Old Violin, a great song by Mr. Johnny Paycheck, but then another song called Two Old Cats Like Us, as performed by the unlikely duo of Hank Williams Jr. and Ray Charles, popped into my head. I can, and have sung the Paycheck song at karaoke before, and to be honest, I kind of sucked, but it was fun. The other song, I’d love the opportunity to sing at some point. I just need a drunken singing partner. Hey Rabbit, where are you at? Both songs are great and they’re playing in my head right now. Here are the videos.

Who is the greatest Bear of all time?

Are we talking about a Chicago bear, a polar bear, a real-life bear that growls and chases people, or someone who just has the word “Bear” as part of their name? Let’s go with all of the above. The Chicago Bear is Steve “Mongo” McMichael. The polar bear is the Coke-a-cola bear that shows up in commercials every Christmas. The real bear is Gentle Ben. And the person with the word “Bear” in their name, legendary football coach Bear Bryant. And the greatest of all, besides Yogi Bear, of course, is my dad, Kenneth F. Maynard, who was lovingly referred to as “The Bear” by my siblings and all their friends when we were kids. Dad mellowed a lot as he got older, but raising five kids, he had a few grumpy moments and well, let’s just say that nickname was well deserved at times. I miss you, Dad. Love you!

Will we ever see world peace?

I seriously doubt it. I hope there will be a time when we have no wars and everyone is at least tolerant of each other, but there are too many stupid idiots out there for absolute peace to ever truly exist. Sad!

What is Your Favorite Sean Connery Movie?

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

What would you do if you woke up with one trillion dollars tomorrow?

Buy the WWE, get plenty of security in place to protect me from the crazies, set up charities to help people who truly deserve it, and take a plane trip to Washington to tell the woken left and our political leaders that I have two words for them. And any wrestling fan can probably guess what those two words are.

Do you think someone is getting paid to leave our borders open?

Kickbacks and bribes to our political leaders allow drug and human-trafficking businesses to continue unimpeded and destroy our nation. Say it isn’t so, but yes, that’s exactly what I think. Follow the money trails.

Are you able to watch a horror movie alone in the dark?

My two loving fur babies, who I mentioned earlier, will try to screw with me, make strange noises, and just be creepy as hell while I’m watching the movies, but yes, I am able and often do enjoy horror movies by myself, sitting in pitch black darkness. It’s kind of relaxing and cool to me.

Are you going to have Corned Beef and Cabbage this week?

I might have some Corned Beef Hash for breakfast at some point, but unless it’s in an egg roll, I doubt cabbage will be part of my meal plans. That could change, but I still somewhat doubt it.

Who is your favorite talk show host?

Johnny Carson back in the classic “Tonight Show” days was incredible. And Jerry Springer too.

Would you rather sell all of your possessions or sell one of your organs?

My organs are falling apart so quickly, I don’t think anyone would want them, but a kidney or a lung, take your choice. Just don’t touch my comics, music, wrestling mags, computer, or cats.

Which fictional character would be fun to hang out with?

How about Severus Snape of the Harry Potter movies? I know he’s mostly a miserable old git, but he’s intelligent, sarcastic, and probably a cool dude underneath all that drama and wizarding stuff. I’d make a cool wizard and Sev & I would be the Jay & Silent Bob of the Wizarding World. It would rock!

Are you good with electrical work?

If I change a light bulb, the microwave will start to smoke. I am not mechanically or electronically inclined in the slightest. Not at all.

How do you heal a broken heart?

Day drinking, smoking a blunt, and hookers. Okay, maybe not, but in theory, it’s supposed to be a good way to mend a broken heart. I read it in a book once.

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which animal would it be?

Well, according to the Urban Dictionary, I would be classified as a bear. Big, a little hair, and grumpy, but in a loving way. Yeah, that fits. Now, where are my cubs at?

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And now, it’s time to wrap this up. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers. I love you, brother Kenneth. Take care.

Ubuntu!