Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #37
Random Twitter Q&A
April 9, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

Pineapple stuffed pizza crust is now available in the UK. Good idea or not?

I love this idea and it sounds good to me. I liked the whole stuffed crust idea and putting pineapple in the crust will make pizza lovers’ heads explode all around the world. This sounds so good.

Who is the greatest Taylor of all time?

Maybe Taylor Swift? No, I don’t think so. I felt sorry for her back when Kayne destroyed her award moment, but she’s not a good person. I feel sorry for anyone who dates her. True, they get a song written about them which has to be pretty cool, but let’s be honest. She’s a bitch. So if not Swift, then who? Let’s go with Taylor Lautner. Who? Think Twilight. And yes, I will always be Team Jacob.

Name something you don’t want to share.

My boyfriend. Yes, I sound like a hypocrite considering that I’ll get down and dirty with those who have significant others, but if I’m committed to someone and in a relationship, I’ll be very loyal and never stray unless they give me a reason to. And if I’m committed enough to be loyal to them, they had better be the same. I don’t share. Not that anyhow.

You’ve been given an Elephant. You can’t give it away or sell it. What would you do with the Elephant?

What the hell am I supposed to do with an elephant? I guess I’d paint it pink and position it outside of my current place of employment. Then after watching people glare at it, trying to figure out if the pink elephant was real or not. Half would turn away, decided that they don’t need to drink anymore, and leave. The other half would decide that since they’re already seeing things, they need more alcohol and would come into the store and stock up. It’d be an interesting day.

What’s something you recommend people don’t skimp on?

Always buy good toilet paper unless you want your fingers to poke through while wiping and take a trip down the Hershey Highway. Quality counts and don’t you forget it.

What’s the greatest part about watching sports at home?

That I can enjoy the show, not have to be around people, and have plenty of food and drink on hand without any judgment from strangers.

What’s your favorite thing to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon?

Sleep, read, and write. Just enjoy the day and all that it brings.

What’s something made better with bacon grease?

Collards. I know that Greg said fatback, but if you have to improvise, bacon grease can help and be used. And gravy. Get the grease hot, mix it with water and flour, and you can make some good gravy that goes great over rice or potatoes. It’s good stuff.

What do you think is the most appealing quality in a person?

The butt or the eyes. At least those are the physical qualities. We also need a personality, character, a sense of humor, and a good heart.

If you could only watch one sports team for the rest of your life, who would it be?

Would WWE count as a sports team? Probably not, so let’s go with the UNC Tarheels Basketball Team. UNC 4 Life!

Do you believe in fate or destiny?

Fate is predetermined while you make your destiny. ‘Nuff said!

Will you scrape the mayo jar clean before opening a new one?

Yeppers, as well as with peanut butter, ketchup, mustard, and everything else. Groceries are expensive and cost way too much to waste any of the product.

When you’re in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on it, what do you say?

I try not to use public restrooms if at all possible, and if I have to do so, I just try and get in, do my thing, and get out as quickly as possible. So this isn’t something that I’ve ever had to deal with. But if it does happen, I guess I’d look and see who’s knocking and if he’s cute, then I’d open the door and say, “How you doing?”.

James Garner or James Coburn. Which of these two was the better actor?

James Coburn was a great actor in his day, but James Garner? He’s Rockford. I loved that show.

What TV show stayed good from start to finish?

Sons of Anarchy and Breaking Bad both come to mind, as well as sitcom classics All In The Family, and Roseanne, except for the “lottery” episodes.

Would you rather randomly time travel +/- 20 years every time you fart or teleport to a different place on Earth (on land, not water) every time you sneeze?

Both would be annoying, but let’s go with the teleportation. I’d like to at least stay in the same decade when I get the sniffles.

What do you want your last words to be?

“I’ll see you at the matches. Ubuntu!”

What would you like to sing at Karaoke night?

I’d probably either go with Sinatra and “I’ve Got You (Under My Skin)” or Bobby Bare’s “Numbers”.

Do you like sandwiches or burgers?

I prefer the good old-fashioned PB&J or bologna sandwich. Burgers are good sometimes, but as I get older, they’re losing their charm.

Has your family ever pressured you to act in a certain way?

They always want me to be more “professional”, to be “less controversial” and to change my entire personality and do different things because “That’s not what I would do.” I’m the black sheep of the family in many different ways, but they’ll be all right.

Do you enjoy “people watching” when you’re in public?

I love to sit at the college or Walmart and just watch people walk by. It’s some fascinating stuff.

Did you ever cheat in exams?

No, but sort of. Before tests, I used to make cheat notes to use if needed, but then when the tests came, I didn’t need to use the cheat notes because when I was writing them down, I had memorized the info that I had written down. So I was prepared to cheat if necessary, but by preparing to do so, I didn’t need to.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would that be?

Chill with my bro and the family, write a little bit, sleep, maybe drink an adult beverage or two with an old friend or acquaintance, and get laid, not necessarily all in that order. Just go with the flow, get away from the house, and make the best of everything.

Would you rather your parents arrange your marriage or marry your most recent ex?

My parents arranging a marriage would be an absolute nightmare, but then again, marrying my most recent ex probably wouldn’t be too hot either. I guess I’ll go with making my own decisions and mistakes and marry the ex. After all, divorce is an option and they could always just disappear if they make me too mad, right?

And there you go with an extended edition of the Questions (Not) By Casper in the books. Happy Easter. And now, let’s wrap it up. I have things to do. Take care and stay well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!