Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #45
Random Twitter Q&A
April 16, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

Who do you like & respect more? Amber Heard or Carole Baskin?

Neither is a great choice or role model. One shits the bed and the other feeds the flesh of her murdered husband to tigers, allegedly. It’s like a bad choice or a bad choice and both are bad choices. I guess of the two, I prefer Amber Heard. I’d rather deal with a delusional B-level actress with a skat fetish than someone who (allegedly) kills people and then turns them into tiger food. Oh, and by the way, Free Joe Exotic!

What do you usually do to avoid an uncomfortable situation?

I ignore it until it goes away or else I go away and leave. Occasionally, I’ll be an adult and just grit my teeth and handle things, but I’d rather just pretend it doesn’t exist and act oblivious.

Who is the greatest Rat of all time?

Ben. Michael Jackson even wrote a song about him so you know he had to be a pretty awesome rodent.

Who was the GOAT of 90s talk show hosts?

Maury didn’t start doing the results are in/baby daddy shows until later in his career so that leaves him out. He was pretty boring until then. Oprah and Sally Jessie both got on my nerves. Joan Rivers was great, but her talk show didn’t last long enough. Let’s go with the man, Jerry Springer. Now let the fighting begin.

What is the first association you have with the word “Purple”?

Either Prince or Barney the Dinosaur. Both are extremely grape.

When you hear a guy refer to himself as an “Alpha Male” what is your immediate thought?

My thoughts are that if you have to tell everyone that you’re an Alpha Male or anything else for that matter, you’re probably not.

In the last ten years, how many different phone numbers have you had?

One cell phone number and one house phone number. I hate changing things.

If you could rewrite the last season of a TV show, which one would you choose?

Married With Children. They really didn’t get a final season because no one knew it was ending and Fox just kind of pulled the plug out of nowhere, those bastards. So I’d make it a final season worthy of The Bundys and set up the characters of both Bud & Kelly to move on to possible spin-off series to keep the family alive and on our television sets if possible.

Are you ok?

No, I’m not. Every day is a struggle and a battle and I’m just getting by as best I can, going through the motions, hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. I’m too damn stubborn to quit, but it’s taking its toll. Fighting alone sucks, but it is what it is.

If one of your good friends wanted to cook you dinner, but you knew their kitchen was not very clean, would you still eat the food?

I can’t say yes or no. It depends on my mood, my hunger, and the situation and reason why they’re cooking. After all, I have gotten food from the Laurinburg Bojangles before they tore it down, and our McDonald’s and Burger King, both of which should be bulldozed to the ground and have the grounds purified in an ancient exorcism ceremony to get rid of the nastiness. I was hungry and they were convenient. So my answer would be, maybe?

How do you solve a rat problem?

Cats. Lots and lots of cats.

Have you ever sent or received an unsolicited 🍆 picture?

I have never sent a pic without being asked first. I send crude comments, suggestions, and offers, but not the actual pic itself. But I have received many unsolicited pics. Guys sure love to show off their stuff. And I’m cool with it. I don’t mind and if any guys reading this want to send me a pic or two, go for it. Word of warning, I may do a review of your pic and commentary in a blog post, but then again, I may not. I also may message you back, say, “How you doing?”, and proceed from there with all sorts of dirty talk and explicit language. Go ahead and take the gamble, guys. I dare you. I want to see those pics. Just bring it!

What’s the longest suspension you ever got in school? What did you do?

I honestly don’t remember. I know I had a few days in In-School Suspension for one fight I was in. I think that lasted a week. And there were a few suspensions for skipping school which I always thought was dumb because they suspend you from school for not coming to school. What’s the sense and logic of that? I think my longest was five days.

What is your Mt. Rushmore of TV Dads?

For TV Dads, I would go with Mr. C. (Happy Days), Al Bundy (Married With Children), Dan Conner (Roseanne), and Cliff Huxtable (The Cosby Show).

What is your Mt. Rushmore of TV Moms?

For the Moms of Television, I would go with Roseanne, Edith Bunker (All In The Family), Sophia (Golden Girls), and Anne Romano (One Day At A Time).

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that, let’s wrap this up. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!