Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #53
Random Twitter Q&A
April 23, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

Who is the greatest Captain of all time?

The one and only wrestling manager extraordinaire, Captain Lou Albano.

Have you ever ridden a Clydesdale?

Hell no, and I never will. Horses have big teeth and bite. The Clydesdale is a big horse so the teeth could be extra big and the bite would hurt even more than a regular horse bite. And then look at those feet. A bite and then some kicks and stomps. I’d die. No thanks for that.

A trip to the beach, trekking, or a peaceful picnic – what is your idea of relaxation?

How about staying home, in my bed, and taking a nap? If I have to choose one of those three options, then a trip to the beach, at night, in the off-season when there are no people around. That would be quite nice.

Who was your least favorite character on Friends?

What was Courtney Cox’s character’s name? Monica? She was always just there and did nothing for me at all, so let’s go with her.

Are you a social butterfly?

More like an anti-social Brown Recluse spider. In the words of Greta Garbo, “I want to be alone!”. If you bug me, I bite you! So that would be a No then?

Humor me – who is the best late-night talk show host of all time?

Johnny Carson was not called the King of Late Night just because it sounded good on a business card. Carson was the best and everyone else is just a wanna-be by comparison.

What was your first Car?

A 1978 Toyota Corolla named Chiang Kai after the great Chinese leader. Yes, I named my Japanese car after a Chinese dictator who tortured and murdered millions. I was 16 and I liked his name. It was kind of fitting.

Who wins in a fight with no weapons Elmer Fudd or Yosemite Sam?

I’ve got to go with Yosemite on this one. He was a cowboy/soldier, albeit an incompetent one. Elmer was only a badass when he had his rifle and was hunting rabbits/ducks/rabbits/ducks/rabbits/ rabbits/ducks. BANG!

What’s your cry in the car song?

As emotionally as I’ve been on edge for the past few months, almost any song will do it. I’ve been an absolute wreck and all it takes is one memory or sad thought and the allergies start acting up. But one that always works and makes me cry like a small child when someone has taken away their lollipop is this one.

Are women paid less than men for the same job?

Sometimes yes and sometimes, no. It happens, but not as often as everyone seems to presume. It depends on the employer and how much of a fight the person is willing to make to get equal or better pay.

What’s the oldest graduating class of someone you’ve had relations with?

Damn, now you’re going to make me do some math. I graduated in 1985 and there was this one guy, who was roughly twenty-five years older than me. It was a while ago, but doing all the calculations, he would have graduated around 1962 or 1963. It’s all cool though. He was a cool dude, looked great, and it paid my light bill that month.

Do you hold grudges?

To a point, yes. I forgive pretty easily, but I never forget and I can be a very petty bitch if the situation calls for it or if I just feel like it. Surprising, I know, but still very true.

What’s the worst makeup or grooming mistake you ever made?

I got annoyed one day and decided to trim my hair. And then, on a whim, I decided to pull a Lex Luthor and just shave my entire head. I ended up bald, with a head as slick as a baby’s ass. And well, it was NOT a good look for me. My head is warped and kind of lopsided with indentions and knots and well, let’s suffice it to say that I will never do that again. Never!

What is your go-to salad dressing?

Thousand Island. Do you mean that there is some other type? Not for me there isn’t.

Who is your favorite stand-up comedian?

My all-time favorites would be a three-way with Don Rickles, Joan Rivers, and George Carlin. Okay, that’s a scary picture in my mind now that just gave me the shivers. But my current favorite is Brad Williams. Go look him up. He’s a small man with an amazing amount of comedic timing and energy. He has me laughing out loud. One of the best and funniest guys out there today.

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Right now, it’d be up the east coast to Connecticut to visit my bro, Brent. I’ve got some ideas for some skits/scenes that would make a great movie short and since he’s the man with the mad skills and movie knowledge, we need to get together sometime and flesh these ideas out. Besides, I just would like to see & chill with him and his family for a while. They’re awesome. And once I leave there, it would just be travel North America and meet/visit my online friends and family that I’ve accumulated over the years, from the old Yahoo wrestling groups, from MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter, and from working at the different websites. I’m a person who knows people but doesn’t know as many of them as much as I’d like to, so if I had the opportunity to meet those people, I would.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that being said, let’s wrap things up. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you in the funny papers.

Ubuntu!