Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #54
Random Twitter Q&A
April 23, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

What’s the perfect number of kids?

Are we talking about a baseball team, a remake of the Brady Bunch, breakfast at Tiffany’s, or what? I think it depends on the potential parents, their incomes, lifestyle, and what’s best for them and their situation. Or just go with two, one of each. And there you go.

On a scale of 1-10, how funny would you say you are?

I’m good at sarcasm, smart remarks, innuendo, and being slightly demented. I can be funny on occasion, but I don’t think I’ll be sharing a stage with Brad Williams and Jeff Dunham anytime soon. My funny stuff ratio goes up and down, depending on my mood, the situation, the stock market, and how much beer is in the fridge. I’ll go with a big old 7.

When’s the best time to quit a job?

When you can’t take it anymore and have another job ready to go to. If you can’t immediately step into a new job without missing a beat, then think before you leap.

A genie pops out of a bottle and grants you one wish. You cannot wish for more wishes. What do you wish for?

It sure as hell wouldn’t be for a little head because I’ve seen too many cartoons and memes showing how that would be a bad idea. How about a wish for a comfortable life filled with good health, financial success, and happiness? Or just give me Elon Musk’s money and empire and let me take it from there.

What fictional character do you think would have an OnlyFans?

Kelly Bundy from Married With Children. Hell, Bud would probably try and have one too. Grand Master B on the OnlyFans. Woo-hoo!

Do you look to the future or get stuck in the past?

I’m pretty much stuck in the past. The future is there, but the events and activities of the past strongly influence how I look at and perceive it.

What fictional character, if any, would you want to have running your country?

To replace the basement-dummy pedo currently pretending to lead our nation, almost anyone would be better. But if I have to pick a name, how about J.R. Ewing, from the old TV series, Dallas? Either J.R. or Batman. President Batman? I like the sound of that.

What’s an obvious sign someone’s American?

An attitude of being superior and entitled, a fondness for cheap beer and cheaper women, and a love of dick & fart jokes, Okay, that last part might just be me, but Americans generally have a bad reputation among the rest of the world and with a lot of the examples I see from our government, the Alphabet Gang, the entitled hordes on Twitter and YouTube, etc., I can’t say that I don’t get it. I’m proud to be an American, but some of my fellow Americans haven’t had any upbringing and have lost their freakin’ minds and it shows.

Do you hold the emotionally broken responsible for their actions if they do something to hurt your feelings?

Yes, I do. Just because you’re sad doesn’t make a person entitled to be rude, condescending, or an asshole. It’s a case-by-case situation, but a bad break in life or being in a tight spot doesn’t mean you’re allowed to take it out on others who don’t deserve it. That’s just wrong.

You have 30 seconds to say whatever you want to your pet and they will understand. What do you say?

My cat understands everything I say, but he loves me anyhow. So what would I say? I’d tell my cat, Mouthie, that he’s awesome and he’s my baby and I’m very thankful for having him in my life. He already seems to know all of this, but it’s worth repeating again and again.

What is your weakness which you always try to hide?

I have a soft heart for children, animals, and guys with green eyes and a great ass. I try not to let it show because people will take advantage and try to use those weaknesses to manipulate me to get what they want and that ends up getting old fast.

Who is the greatest soldier of all time?

GI Joe. He was created to represent the U.S. Soldiers and there’s a billion-dollar toy industry named after this fellow. That has to count for something, right?

Be honest, what is “for kids” that you continue to thoroughly enjoy as an adult?

Comics, wrestling, action figures, etc. Take your pick because I have and do enjoy all.

Name someone the public thinks is dead but you’re positive he’s not.

Tupac is still alive. I think Elvis was up until just a few years ago. Jim Morrison is probably still alive and living in a small apartment in Paris, France. And those three are just for starters.

And there you go. Another edition of the Questions (Not) By Casper in the books. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that, it’s time to call it a day. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you on the funny pages.

Ubuntu!