Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #69
Random Twitter Q&A
May 9, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

Where are five places you want to visit before you die?

Five places? I guess in a van down by the river is out so let’s go with The UK, my Grandma’s old house in South Point, Ohio, CT (one more time), Puerto Rico, and Greece.

If you could only recommend one TV show for someone to watch to get to know you – what would it be?

That’s a hard one because I’m not much of a TV person anymore, but how about The Lost Saucer? Yeah, it was a kid’s show from the 70s starring Jim Nabors & Ruth Buzzi, but it was awesome. Or just watch RAW on Monday night. That’ll work too.

What do you believe happens when you die?

Your soul leaves the body and moves on to the next step of existence. And the body itself, it’s just an empty shell and it’s either cremated or buried.

From now on every song you ever hear is sung by the same vocalist. Who do you choose?

Ann Wilson of Heart. Her voice and range are amazing.

Do you find the in-laws’ parties awkward?

No in-laws for me, but I find all parties awkward, and if it involves meeting the parents of a significant other, it’s twice as bad. I’m not going.

Do you like your food spicy? And why not?

I love some spicy, hot, take-the-breath-away food. The hotter and spicier, the better. Bring it on.

What’s the right place right time moment you have had?

Getting my current job. When I went into that store, I was not looking for a job. I was there to buy vodka and get drunk. I spoke to the manager, who’s an old friend of mine, and he asked me if I was working and maybe wanted a job. I said “Sure!” and the rest is history.

Have you ever cried at your own party?

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to. But truthfully, I don’t think I ever have. Maybe afterward, but never at the party itself.

Have you ever felt stuck?

(Looks around). Hell yeah! I hate this place and my life sometimes.

If you had your own small country, what would be your number one rule?

Be happy bitches. No sour faces or bad attitudes are allowed in my world. Also, eat more jelly beans.

Who’s the most talented off-the-cuff comedian?

Let’s go with Don Rickles. 85% of his act was talking to the audience and he had a line for everything and everyone. There are plenty of good comics out there who use audience interaction as their schtick, but Rickles was one of the absolute best.

What are the best romantic relationship tips?

Lots of lewd remarks, lots of butt-touching, and never be afraid to try new things and experiment, the kinkier the better. For example, if you’re a good-looking straight guy, but you see a one-legged middle-aged fat guy who seems relatively cool and has his own website, send nudes to him and talk dirty. Be prepared to get funky like a monkey and then after y’all do the nasty, take what you’ve learned and experienced home to your wife or girlfriend. It’ll make your relationship so much better. Trust me.

Do you believe in Karma?

Yes, I do and she’s a wicked bitch sometimes. People reap what they sew and that’s how it should be.

Is coming to this country legally still a thing?

It sure doesn’t seem that way, does it? Following the law is for suckers. Criminal behavior is rewarded these days by our corrupt government and sneaking into our country illegally is just the tip of the iceberg.

Did Joe Biden shower with his daughter?

According to her diary, he did. The diary has been authenticated so unless she’s just making things up, it doesn’t look good for Joe and he’s a pedophile.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. So are nudes and phone numbers. I get lonely. So take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you on the funny pages.

Ubuntu!