Here I am with Day 25 of the infamous “Thirty Days of Dougie!” saga. I’m not feeling very well so I’ll keep this intro short. I really do hate my life sometimes. And now, let’s do the “Magic Box”. It says “Retro”. Works for me and I even have something in mind. We’re going back to August of 2003 and a short little story I wrote about Mr. McMahon, PBS and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. Check it out…
Thirty Days Of Dougie! (Day 25) – Retro Story: Mr. McMahon’s Neighborhood!
March 16, 2017
Let’s do this… Mr. McMahon’s Neighborhood – August 28, 2003
It’s another beautiful day in Mr. Rogers neighborhood. Fred Rogers is in his house, preparing to start another classic show..
Mr. Rogers: (singing)
It’s a beautiful day in neighborhood
A beautiful day for neighbors
would you be mine
could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbor!
Hi! How are you? Welcome to the neighborhood. We’re going to have a great
time today. Can you say that? Time? Sure you can.
(A loud knock comes on the door)
Mr Rogers: It’s someone at the door. I wonder who it can be? Maybe it’s Mr. McFeeley!
(Mr. Rogers goes and open’s the door – it’s Vincent K McMahon and Sable)
Mr. Rogers: Why look? It’s Mr. McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation. Hi, Mr.McMahon. Welcome to the neighborhood.
Vince: It’s actually World Wrestling Entertainemnt now.
Mr. Rogers: Oh, sure! The lawsuit. I had forgotten.
Sable: Don’t forget about me.
Mr. Rogers: And my friends, it’s Sable too. Don’t cry. Just because she’s different doesn’t make her a bad person.
Mr. Rogers: My friends are mostly children and things evil and espically nasty, like you, sometimes scare them a little bit. But that’s all right. We know you’re a good person.
Sable: You know you want me! Those sweaters just turn me on!
Mr Rogers: Yes, sure! So, Mr. McMahon. What brings you here to visit me and my friends?
Vince: Well, Fred – can I call you Fred?
Mr. Rogers: I prefer to be called Mr. Rogers, but Fred is fine.
Vince: Well, I’ve been having problems with my children.
Mr. Rogers: Little ones can be a problem sometimes, but there is nothing that can’t be solved without love and patience.
Vince: Yeah! Well, my son is an ungrateful mama’s boy, and my daughter is a lying slut!
Mr. Rogers; I’m sure they’re not as bad as you make them out to be.
Vince: And it’s all because of my ball-busting schrew of a wife, Linda, and her demon infested uterus.
Mr. Rogers: Uterus! That’s a big word! Can you say that? All my friends out there?
Vince: Pay attention and quit talking to the camera. But I was thinking, it’s not all Linda’s fault that our children turned out so badly. No no! It’s someone else’s fault too.
Mr. Rogers: Sometimes, we have to look at ourselves and realize that maybe we could have done a better job in our lives at the different things we’ve done.
Vince: What are you talking about, Rogers? It’s not my fault. I’m Vince McMahon, dammit! No, it’s your fault! You and your hand puppets, the make-believe island, ….
Mr. Rogers: The neighborhood of make-believe.
Vince: I don’t care! Shut up! It’s your fault that my kids are lousy little bastards. We trusted you and the Sesame street gang and ZOOM and all those to help guide our children – help them become successful and productive adults. Be decent people.
Mr. Rogers: I think our shows have helped a good many children. But ultimately, it’s the parents responsibility to raise and nuture their child.
Vince: Shut the hell up! I’m a damn billioniare! Don’t tell me what my responsibilities are! I own the WWE. I own WCW. I own professional wrestling. I am sports entertainment. And you’re going to tell me what my responsibilities are?
Mr. Rogers: I was just saying…
Vince: Shut the hell up! But I started thinking. You ruined my kids. Turned them against me. So, you know what. Now, I’m going to ruin you. This whole land of make – believe crap. I own it. It’s mine now. I ‘m a billioniare. I bought it all.
Mr. Rogers: Oh my goodness gracious!
VInce: The whole Children’s Television Workshop is now a subsidiary of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc.
Mr. Rogers: I think I should go talk to Mayor Maggie about this.
Vince: I think you should talk to whoever you want to, because it doesn’t matter. Sesame Street – it’s getting bulldozed down and turned into a strip club ran by the Godfather. What do you think about that?
Mr. Rogers: What about the children who watch our shows and turn to us for support and advice?
Vince: Well, now they can watch the Dudley Boys and Big Show and the WWE
Superstars. If they need advice, write to Terri in RAW magazine.
Mr. Rogers: I’m shocked. Darn! I just don’t know what to say. Maybe we can sing a song.
Vince: The only song I’m singing is “Hit The Road Jack” – and it’s dedicated to you.
Mr. Rogers: I don’t understand. What are you saying?
Vince: Let me put it to you in another way. I own this neighborhood. I own this show. And, you, Mr. Rogers, – well, YOU’RE FIRED!!!!! Now, get the hell out of my neighborhood!
Mr. Rogers: This isn’t right! I don’t think that this is right.
Vince: Enough of you – get him Rhyno!
(From out of nowhere, Rhyno charges in and gores Mr. Rogers!)
Sable: Gore! Gore! Gore!
Vince: Oh, Sable! I had forgotten you were here. Enough about your love life. Rhyno, get this old pansy out of here. Sable, prepare to take some notes, because it’s time to change this neighborhood. Oh yes, time for some major changes, indeed!
(Rhyno picks up the unconscious form of Mr. Rogers and throws him over his shoulders.)
Rhyno: What should I do with him, boss?
Vince: Just throw him out by the curb with the rest of the garbage here on PBS. Sable, go round up the puppets and everyone who works here on this show. It’s time for a little meeting.
Sable: Yes sir! I’ll get them right now, VInce..
(Rhyno carries Mr. Roger’s outside as Sable rushes to round up the characters of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. Vince wanders over to the Story Corner and sits down, his hands behind his head, and let’s out a satisfied sigh!)
(A few minutes later – Sable is back!)
Sable: Everyone is waiting for you Vince. Sure you don’t want to make them wait a little longer?
(She grinds up to Vince, coming on to him)
Vince: No, there will be time enough for that later. Just take some notes or something.
(They walk towards the kitchen where the assembled puppets are waiting.)
There is King Friday, Queen Sara, Prince Tuesday, X the Owl, Henrietta Pussycat, Daniel Striped Tiger, and Lady Elaine Fairchilde. Trolley is in the background whisting away with his bells.)
King Friday: What’s going on! Where is Mr. Rogers?
Henrietta: I don’t meow meow understand meow happening meow meow upset!
Vince: All of you, shut the hell up now!
Lady Elaine: Hold on a second, toots. What’s going on. Who are you and where is Mr. Rogers?
Daniel Striped Tiger: I don’t like this. I’m scared!
King Friday: Tell us something. I insist you tell us what’s going on!
VInce: Well, I’m Vince McMahon – I own this neighborhood now and I’m your new boss!
Lady Elaine: Shocking!
X the Owl: Wait a second. Mr. Rogers owns the neighborhood. How can this be?
Vince: Let’s get this straight! Rogers worked for PBS. They owned the neighborhood. And
now I own them, so this place and all of you belong to me..
Sable: That’s right.
Lady Elaine: No one is talking to you, toots, so I think you’d better just be quiet..
Henrietta: Shut meow meow trap meow meow slut meow!
Daniel Striped Tiger: I’m scared..
Vince: Now I just have to decide who stays and who goes..
King Friday: What are you talking about? These are our homes. These are our jobs!
Vince: And just who in the hell are you?
King Friday: I’m King Friday. And this is my wife, Queen Sara, our son, Prince Tuesday.
Vince: Well, we don’t need a king. We already have Lawler, so Friday, YOU’RE FIRED! And Sara and Thursday or whatever…
Prince Tuesday: It’s Prince Tuesday!
Vince – It’s get the hell out of here. Steph and Hunter can be Queen and Prince. They already run things anyhow. You! (pointing to Lady Elaine) – who are you and what do you do?
Lady Elaine: I am Lady Elaine Fairchilde and I run the museum here in the Neighborhood of Make Believe.
Vince: You’re an ugly old bag! Maybe we can hook you up with Mae and Moolah.
Lady Elaine: Ugly! Ugly!
(She breaks into tears and puts her head under a blanket, refusing to come out)
Vince: Who else? The owl and the cat?
Henrietta: Who meow meow us meow!
X the Owl: I believe he’s referring to us, Henrietta! Yes, Mr. McMahon?
Vince: Give a hoot – you remind me too much of Brother Love, what with the big eyes and the know it all attitude. YOU’RE FIRED! And you, cat!
Henrietta: What meow meow meow me understand meow!
Vince: I was going to make you a WWE Diva, but we already had one Kat and she turned out to be trouble, so guess what?
Henrietta: Meow meow fired meow meow?
Vince: Right on, sister. Now get the hell out of here. Anyone left?
(He spies Daniel Striped Tiger crouched, hiding in the corner)
Vince: You – come here, now!
(Daniel slowly peeks out of the corner!)
Daniel: Who me?
Vince: Yes – who are you? What do you do?
Daniel: I’m Daniel Striped Tiger.
Vince: I can see that! What do you do?
Daniel” Nothing! I’m scared.
Vince: Hey, I like that attitude. Are you scared of me?
Vince: He’s scared of me! Hey,Sable. Take Daniel down to the Tough Enough training camp. I want him trained and ready to wrestle in a month. We’ll put him in a six man team with Head and Mr. Socko. A manequin head, a sock , and a stuffed tiger. I can see the ratings now!
(Sable takes Daniel by the paw and leads him out of the room)
Vince: Oh, and Sable?
Sable: Yes, Vince?
Vince: Don’t try and sleep with this one. He’s just a cub and scared enough as it is!
Sable: Damn!… OK, Vince! ….Damn!
(Vince stands and looks around the room – everyone has gone except for Lady Elaine who is still cowering under a blanket- traumatized by Vince calling her ugly)..
Vince: Yeah – this might be a good neighborhood after all.
Trolley: ding ding ding
Vince: Oh yeah, the trolley. I had forgotten about you! Are you ready to be fired too?
Trolley: ding ding ding.. ding ding
Vince: You want to work for me? But I already have an A-Train. I don’t need a Trolley too!
Trolley: ding ding..ding. ding ding…….ding.
Vince: OK – I’ll team you and A-Train up. But go work on the accent. That ding ding crap is irritating..
Trolley: Ding ding! (blows small cloud of smoke) ding…ding..ding!
(Trolley speeds off – Vince just stretches again and grins )
Vince: Yeah – I might just like this neighborhood after all…
The End ……
And there you go. Thoughts and comments are welcome. I’ll see you tomorrow.