The Twelve Dougie Days Of Christmas – November 30, 2011
12 Drummers Drumming, 11 Pipers Piping, 10 Lords-a-Leaping, 9 Ladies Dancing, 8 Maids-a-Milking, 7 Swans-a-Swimming, 6 Geese-a-Laying, 5 Gold Rings, 4 Calling Birds, 3 French Hens, 2 Turtle Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
Now all of that sounds mighty nice, but really? How practical are these gifts? So what I’ve decided to do is run down the list and make a few small substitutions here and there to make the list of goodies from the “Twelve Days of Christmas” just a bit more “Dougie-Friendly”, if you will. Not that I’m picky or particular mind you. I prefer to think I’m just being practical. So let’s do this…
Twelve Drummers Drumming: Don’t get me wrong. I like drums and drummers are cool. Look at Ringo Starr and Phil Collins for example. But they’re also loud and after a while, having twelve drummers drumming would probably give me a headache. Not to mention that the neighbors would probably complain as well after a while. And where the heck would I put twelve drummers? We only have one extra bedroom and while it’s a good size, it won’t hold twelve drummers and their drums. Well, maybe if they’re “Little Drummer Boys”, say perhaps Smurf size. Then they might fit. But it’d still be loud and somewhat annoying. So instead of the twelve drummers drumming, how about twelve Dunkin’ Donuts? They’re yummy, melt in your mouth and they don’t bother anybody (except for the people on diets or the diabetics who aren’t allowed to have such savory sugary sweets) and we all know that they’ll grab one when they don’t think that anyone is looking anyhow. So everyone ends up happy and there’s no loud banging to deal with. Clearly a better gift idea.
Eleven Pipers Piping: How exactly does a “Piper” pipe? I think I know, but every time I try to picture the eleven young pipers at work, doing their “piping”, …. let’s just say that it resembles the set of a Chi Chi LaRue movie. And while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it too could cause problems with the neighbors and result in having the local law enforcement officials called to the house. And who would want to clean up the mess afterwards? Yuck! So let’s cut out the Pipers and get real here. What would be more practical and convenient in the world of Dougie? How about eleven Cases of Crown Royal? Tastes as smooth as mother’s milk and has those cool little purple bags as well. I can deal with that.
Ten Lords-A-Leaping: People jumping around here and there. Where’s my fly-swatter at so they’ll stop it. This isn’t the Hungarian Olympic Team or Dancing With The Stars. Stand still, damn it! My nerves couldn’t handle all of that leaping and jumping here and there. And they’d probably jump on the beds and the furniture and break stuff. Not gonna have it in my home. So the Leaping Lords are out of here. But what can take their place? How about, since Twilight is the biggest movie in the world right now, let’s go for Edward, Alice and the rest of the Cullen Clan. (Let the hate comments begin!) So instead of ten leaping lords, we’ll just go with ten sparkly vamps. They don’t eat much and they have nice cars. What more can a person ask for?
Nine Ladies Dancing: Dancing ladies ain’t gonna do a thing for me. Although admittingly, I was impressed with Riki Lake on Dancing With The Stars. No wait, she got on my nerves. I liked David Arquette and that little Kardashian boy. He had a rockin’ booty. So unless all of those dancers go through some major surgical procedures and major changes, they’re irrelevant. So lets go for something different here too. Instead of nine ladies dancing, working that pole, let’s go for nine beer trucks, full of Bud Light and Natural Light. We can park ’em in the back yard and the party is at my house. Bring your funnel and get ready to get hammered.
Eight Maids-A-Milking: I wouldn’t mind a good maid for this place. I don’t know how much “milking” they’d be doing. More like a lot of dusting, dishes, windows and laundry. Eight of ’em though? Yeah, why not. One for each day of the week and two for Saturday so one of them can pick up all the empties from the beer truck party the night before. So we’ll leave this one alone, but the job duties of these maids will be changed dramaticaly.
Seven Swans-A-Swimming: Swans are beautiful birds, but unless you can shake & bake ’em, who wants a bunch of birds milling around the house pooping on everything? They’re just too damn big. So take them things away. But I’ll stay in the bird family and replace them with a bird that everyone enjoys far more. KFC! So for the big “seven”, we’ll go with those delicious seven herbs and spices of finger licking good extra crispy chicken from KFC. Pass me that Tater Salad!
Six Geese-A-Laying: I don’t like geese. They’re not pretty like the swans are and let’s face it, those are some mean ass birds. They bite (well, so much as a beaked animal with no teeth can). And they’re agressive and attack with those damn heavy duty wings and bad attitudes. So the only way I’d want to see geese is from a distance and only if I have my BB Gun and some good hunting dogs (preferably pugs). Just picture it. A pack of crazed pugs in a frenzy hunting down the ever so dangerous and grouchy wild goose. Put’s a smile on your face, doesn’t it? So the geese are out, but what can we replace them with? How about Muppets? Who doesn’t love Kermit, Miss Piggy, Animal, Gonzo, The Swedish Chef and those two grumpy old men? I know I do and that’s what I want. So instead of geese-a-laying, we get Muppets doing whatever it is that muppets do? Would that be “muppeting?” Of course it would. So get to muppeting, you Muppets. And let the party continue.
Five Golden Rings: What do I need five golden rings for? Do I look like Ringo Starr to you? Unless they’re “wrestling rings”. Now that might be workable and cool to have. I could rent out three of them and use the other two for my own wrestling promotion. And then my dreams of being the “booker man” would come true. Vince McMahon look out cause the Dougie Wrestling Federation (with actual working name yet to be determined) would kick ass and take names. And that’s the bottom line because I just said so. (And that’s not copyright infringement on “Stone Cold” Steve Austin – its okay if I use that slogan. I’m taking it back!)
Four Calling Birds: What exactly is a “calling bird”? Is that when you go out into the yard and scream at the top of your lungs, “Hey birds! I’m calling you!”? Or is it when you dial them up on the cell phone? Both are examples of calling birds, although I doubt that’s what they have in mind. That’d be too loud and annoying anyhow. And they eat too much too. Have you seen the price of bird seed lately? So for the “Four”, let’s go with something that every wrestling fan would love to see and that’s “Four Horsemen”. Bring back the franchise of the most elite wrestling superstars of all time. Arn Anderson can be the manager and as for the active stars, Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin, Robert Roode & Crimson with Jackie Gayda as their valet to round things out. It’d work – believe me!
Three French Hens: Hens are like the rest of the birds and too loud, too nasty and just too damn creepy with their bugged out bird-eyes for my tastes. So if we’ve got to have three of something, how about Three Stooges. They make me laugh and their humor is vintage, classic and timeless. Who doesn’t laugh at a slap in the head or the old poke in the eyes? And I’m talking real stooges (Moe, Larry and Curly). No “Joe’s” allowed.
Two Turtle Doves: The only turtle doves I want to see are those little chocolate turtle thingys made by Dove Chocolate. They’re yummy. These little bird-style doves don’t do a thing for me except for make me wish I still had a cat so I could watch him stalk them and do a munch-job on their feathery little butts. And I’ve already mentioned several times how annoying birds can be and they’re creepy, they eat too much and they poop all over the place. So for this gift, a suitable and more practical replacement would be two cable TV shows. Give me a “fun show” to write, produce, direct and star in on something like Tru-TV and then a more “serious-minded show” about politics and social issues on something like one of the news channels that no one watches (MSNBC, CNN, HLN) that I could also have full control over. Both shows could serve as a format for my friends and I to both inform and entertain and do our best to change the world. I’m ready and it would be a ratings sensation for both networks. If the guys from Lizard Lick can do it, so can I.
A Partridge In A Pear Tree: And finally, we’re at the final gift, or is it the first gift? I guess it depends on how you want to look at it and what order you decide to list these things in. I’ll say it’s the final gift. And I guess, after all of this, it’s pretty obvious that I don’t want a Partridge in a Pear Tree. To start off with, I don’t like pears. They’re okay out of the can, but straight from the tree just doesn’t really do it for me. So change the pear tree to an apple tree and we’re good. But then we have the whole “Partridge” thing. The only “Partridge’s” I know are the Partridge Family and they’re from the seventies so they would be so old right now. Danny has a great bod and David Cassidy used to be kind of cute, but I saw him last year on the Celebrity Apprentice and was so disappointed He’s too short anyhow. And since this “gift” doesn’t specify exactly which “Partridge” I’d get with this deal, it could end up being “Laurie” or even Shirley Jones, the Mom. That would be very traumatic and not good at all. So instead of a “Partridge in a Pear Tree”, we change it to the guy I love, the guy who owns my heart, my soul mate and (unfortunately) the guy I can’t be with… yeah, you had to know I’d get all sappy at the end of this, right? For the final day of Christmas, I want Cal in an apple true.
So let’s recap. It’s now… (sing along if you’d like)
Twelve Dunkin’ Donuts
Eleven Cases of Crown Royal
Ten Sparkly Vampires
Nine Trucks of Bud
Seven Herbs & Spices from KFC
Six Muppets Muppetting
Five Wrestling Rings
Two Cable TV Shows
And The Man I Love Standing Under An Apple Tree…
And there you go. These are the “Twelve Days of Christmas” that would work best for me and make me happy and ho-ho-ho and all of that fun stuff. So if anyone is in the gift-giving mood for Christmas this year and isn’t sure what to get their favorite Salt-Tossing Internet Wrestling Journalist & Commentator Of World Events, well now you know.
Or we can just have a big party with lots of alcohol, lots of food, lots of music, lots of funny hats and leave all the drama and bad stuff at the door. That’d work too.
Anyhow, those are the “Twelve Dougie Days of Christmas”. What would you like to get for Christmas? What is your “dream gift”? If you could re-work this song to reflect your desires, what would you choose? Hmmmmm? Inquiring minds want to know?
That’s all for now. Have a Happy Holiday Season and (although we still have over three weeks to go) – MERRY CHRISTMAS!!