12 Dougie Days Of Christmas – Day 11: Antique Village, Butt Holes & Current Events…

12 Dougie Days Of Christmas
Day 11 – Antique Village, Butt Holes & Current Events
December 17, 2018
DougMaynard.com

It is now Day 11 of the 12 Dougie Days of Christmas and I don’t think I’ve tackled a single Christmas themed topic yet. Oh yeah, I did do the Christmas and Holiday songs that need to be banned piece so I guess I did after all. Good. I’d hate to think that I did twelve blogs about Christmas and didn’t even talk about Christmas. That would make me all Scrooge-like and then I’d have to abuse a dog, break into houses, lie to little Cindy Lou Who or whatever that tiny little brat’s name was and carve the Christmas beast. And the whole “heart growing three sizes that day” bit. Enlarged hearts kill people. Look at any list of deceased wrestlers and you’ll see it listed as cause of death, right behind car accidents and carnal relations with the late, great Mae Young. Uuugh! That makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little bit just by talking about it. But there are worse things. Like carnal relations and copulation with Kevin Dunn, the Executive Producer of WWE. With those beaver teeth. How’d you like to have to do something with that? I think I’d prefer Mae and she’s been dead for a few years now.

Speaking of beavers, I knew one once. Actually, my bro knew her. She was… interesting.

And speaking of interesting, that’s what I hope this will be as we wind down the countdown and bring this blog series to an epic conclusion. Has anyone noticed yet that I’m actually running a day behind and yesterday should have been the 12th Day of Dougie Christmas? Well, if no one has noticed, I won’t say anything either. Hell, twelve days and I have yet to see a single Partridge in a pear tree. RIP Keith, aka David Cassidy. Where’s Bonaduce when you need him?

So let’s find out what the topics are for today. Where did I put the Magic Bag at? I really do need to clean my desk off someday. But here it is and that means it’s time to reach in and see what comes out, as opposed to a reach-around where you pretty much know what to expect towards the end. Did I really just say that? My bad! Let’s check out and see what the topics on hand will be.

We have Antique Village, Butt Holes and Current Events. That last one could and probably should be a piece all by itself, but I’ll keep it short and to the point here and also make a note of that for a future “Notes To Myself” or “Fact or Fiction” piece as well. So now that we know what the topics are, let’s get to stepping and see what words will come forth to talk about and discuss each topic. And away we go…

Antique Village…

There is a place down in Hillsborough, NC that’s kind of like a dirt mall, but not really. It’s been forty years now since I was there so it probably isn’t even there anymore, but it was called the Antique Village and it was really cool. When I would stay with my Dad during the summer months, I would walk up there sometimes to look at the antiques and just check things out. The main thing I remember from these days was walking past a trailer where allegedly two men lived as a couple and my dad warning me to keep walking if they ever tried to talk to me because they were “queer” and of course, me being like 13 years old, would walk by dozens of times a day to see if I could see anyone. The thought of two men, in the very early 80’s, living together, fascinated me. I wonder why? Hmmmm…

But getting back to the Antique Village, there was a car museum there that had several dozen classic and antique cars and it was pretty much just a big storage room full of cars and each had a little plaque at the front giving details about the cars and when they were made. It was a vanity project for the people who also owned the antique store above and even though I didn’t really care for cars, then or now, I went and toured their museum several times. Old stuff fascinated me and still does. The only thing I ever remember buying from that place was a wall plaque that had UNC – University of North Carolina on it and I still have it. It was about thirty years old or so when I bought it if I remember correctly and I’ve had it for about 35 years so damn, it is an antique, if not then, than at least now.

OK, I got to wondering and it’s technically called the Daniel Boone Village and Shopping Mall and it’s located between Chapel Hill and Hillsborough and it’s still there and open for business, Monday through Saturday. New developers have recently purchased the Mall so it may not be there much longer, but for now, it’s still a landmark of historic Hillsborough. If I trusted my car more, I probably should take a ride down that way and see if I can find it and explore again when I get my next weekend off. That actually sounds like a plan for me to ponder on. Let’s move on.

Butt Holes…

Two things come to mind when I look at this topic. The first is, I’m getting older and part of being older is that the body starts to fall apart and regular trips to the doctor are now a part of life. And so is having insurance and doing what they tell you so that it stays affordable and reasonably priced. That Obamacare crap, where if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor and rates will not increase, that was a load of shit, as was the Liar In Chief that presented it to us with those oh-so-truthful words that turned out to be total and absolute B.S. But I have insurance through my employer and it’s pretty good stuff. But one of the requirements is having a colonoscopy every five years. And I’ve never had one before. Well, I had never had one before, but as of last week, I can now say that I’ve had strange men stick a camera up my ass and take pictures. Yes, I had my butt probed, not for the first time ever, but the first time it was required and not for pleasurable purposes.

So how did it go? I went it on this past Wednesday morning, after spending the previous day drinking beverages designed to clean my system out. That was the hard part, constantly headed towards the bathroom and dropping babies off in the pool time and time again. If anyone had tried to tell me on that day that I was full of shit, I could have honestly replied, “Not any more!”. So I did that, went the next morning and was knocked out by an injection of something that burned really badly when injected, but had me out cold in a matter of seconds. Then I woke up, was given an envelope that contained pictures of my insides, was told that everything was clear and looked good, came home, took another nap for about an hour and that was it. So it went well and all is clear and I go back in three years to do it again. I was honestly worried and scared about this, but except for the inconvenience of the day before, doing the preps, it was not a big deal. I’m more disturbed that strange men were playing with my butt, but didn’t even take me to dinner first than anything else. Well, at least the doctor was kind of cute so that makes it a little better. But he’s never called me since? Damn, I feel so used.

But I’ll talk more about that at some future point where I can really go into details and tell a great story of gore, scandal and more gore and really make your stomach churn as you read and want to quit reading, but can’t turn away. Kind of like a Disney movie, but with words. That’s in the future though and looking at the clock, I need to wrap this up and get moving.

I was going to talk about an article I found where they make molds of your butt hole and make it into chewy chocolate treats. Yes, this is a real thing, but I’m running out of time as I said and who wants to hear about eating butt? Actually, that sounds more interesting than the details about my butt-camera adventures, but seeing as how this is a family-friendly blog site (when?) and talking about eating ass-candy would probably end up making me sound like a queer or something like that and maybe even all perverted, I just won’t do it or go there. But if I was to go there, I’d probably say something about a nice, clean butt, fresh from the shower, is a wonderful thing and hell, you guys like to put your mouth on something that bleeds for a week every month, but still doesn’t die so don’t judge. But I’m not going there. Instead, I’ll just tell you to go here for more information about butt molds and candy, http://www.edibleanus,com. And, now

Current Events…

What are the most interesting things dominating the news cycle?

The Mueller Investigation of Trump. Still no evidence of collusion between Trump and Russia, but the former FBI Director thinks that maybe money paid to Stormy Daniels and another porn star in exchange for a non-disclosure agreement might be campaign finance violations and they seem to be wanting to go after President Trump on that for possible impeachment hopes. Not criminal offenses and not going to work. See John Edwards, D- NC, for an example why not.

Other items in the news are that it was brought up about lowering the age requirement for being President from age 35 to a younger age so that new New York Congressman, Alexandria Acasio-Cortez, who’s 29, dumb as a box of rocks and already taking a vacation even though she hasn’t even taken office or started work yet, could be eligible to run for President. Hell, if Obama, who wasn’t even a natural born citizen could be President, why not someone not old enough and a brain dead moron?

And I’m tired of this so this is the end. I’m also starting to feel bad and the room is starting to spin. Too much talk about assholes and Democrats, pretty much the same thing, so I’m done for the day. Also, I have to go do Food Lion and I should have left here ten minutes ago. So let’s end this.

My thanks for reading, Comments, thoughts and any questions welcome. And I’m through. Take care and I’ll catch you later on the flip side when I’m feeling better.

Ubuntu!

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