Dear Dougie – Listen Up Homies: Part IV

Tossing Salt Presents:
Dear Dougie
Listen Up Homies: Part IV.
November 22, 2020

Remember Dear Abby and Ann Landers? Back in the day, these two ladies would offer advice and answer letters written by troubled souls. Sadly, both women have passed on to the great beyond, and while their columns continue, with others who have taken up the roles and duties, it’s just not the same. There’s a void that needs to be filled and guess what? I think I’ll take the challenge and do it. In truth, I’m probably the last person who should be advising anyone, especially when my life is such a train-wreck at times, but why let logic, facts, or common sense get in the way. I like answering questions and being helpful and this is just another way to do that, taking it to the next level.

The following pleas for help and letters come from the pages of the Weekly World News and the legendary Dottie Primrose. And if she, being a fictitious character and all, can do it, all I can say is hold my beer. I have some stuff from the archives of Dear Abby as well. She had her shot and now, I take mine. Let’s give this a try. And here you go. If I do well, maybe my loyal readers who are troubled (and if you read my stuff every day, you probably are… lol), can start sending in questions and asking for advice as well. Maybe we can make this a regular thing. We’ll see how it goes. So now, let’s get ready and do this, the fourth edition of “Dear Dougie!”. And away we go.

Dear Dougie,

My wife and I are ready to call it quits after three stormy years of marriage and five months of Covid. We both agree it’s time to part ways. Unlike some couples, though, we’ll still be friends after the divorce because we’re both mature, loving people. What we’re not so sure of is our “blood status.” You see, we’re first cousins and had to falsify papers to get our marriage license. So our question is this: We know we won’t be “husband and wife” after the divorce – but will we still be cousins?

— Perplexed in Louisiana.

Marriage is what you make of it, but family (and cousins) are forever. So yes, you and your other half can still attend the family reunions together and gather at Grandma’s house for the holidays. Have no fear about that. And who knows? Maybe at the next family gathering, you’ll find the true love that’s meant to be. I never really thought of as a dating site, but to each, his own. Whatever works, right?

Dear Dougie,

Is weekly intimacy unusual at 72 years of age?

  • Wondering In Texas

As long as you can get your groove on and be funky like an ancient monkey without breaking a hip, I say go for it, Grandma. The world needs more cougars and Granny-porn can be a wonderful thing. Older people need love too and if getting the groove on is what you want to do, you should do it, do it often, and do it well.

Dear Dougie,

My husband was a drug addict 18 years ago. It was a very hard time for us; he went through rehab and we almost divorced. Fast-forward: He has been doing well, and we still have our problems, but he hasn’t used heavy drugs for 17 years. To calm his anxiety, he just has an occasional drink or uses CBD oils.
My sister-in-law told me last weekend that my sister told our son (who was 17 at the time) about my husband’s drug issues when he was younger. We always kept my husband’s past quiet, feeling that we would have that conversation with our son eventually when we were ready.
I’m furious that she told him. It should have been our choice, not hers. She has violated my trust. There has been a lot of animosity between my husband and my sister in the past, so I am sure she did it out of spite. I am so upset I am afraid I’ll explode and ruin the tenuous relationship I have with her. Also, my husband will probably want to disown her for this betrayal. What do you suggest?

  • Betrayed In South Carolina

To begin with, your son is seventeen so he’s old enough and most likely mature enough to talk to and inform about your husband’s past. Actually, I would say that the talk is long overdue and probably should have been given a couple of years ago. But talk to him, answer any questions he might have, be honest, and then move on. As for your sister, it was not her place to tell your son anything without your permission. Ask her why? Maybe it was an accident or just slipped out as part of another conversation or question your son had. Find out why and take it from there. If it was a careless mistake, address it and move on. If it was deliberate, as you seem to think, punch her in the face. And then move on with your life. What’s done is done and can’t be changed so the best thing is to address it, deal with it, and leave it in the past where it belongs. And punch your sister in the face if need be. It might not solve anything, but you’ll feel better.

Dear Dougie,

My husband of 30 years still desires me. I know he has been faithful. He’s a wonderful father, has plenty of friends, a warm sense of humor and even in tough times has always managed to be a good provider. We have never wanted for anything.
He is in decent shape for his age, and some women have commented that he is handsome. Yet I recoil at his advances or pretend to be asleep. I feel like I owe him sex since it’s part of marriage, and then I resent him because I feel I am letting him down.

  • No Desire Down South

Have you talked to him about it and explained your side of the story? Sex is a part of life and marriage, but it has to be desired by both people or what’s the point? I would suggest seeing a doctor and getting a full physical to see if there’s a medical reason for your lack of desire. Talk to someone you trust and get their advice. And if all else fails, permit him to find an alternative to getting funky with you. He doesn’t need permission, but it’s better if you’re okay with it and won’t hold it against him. Remember, if your husband is as good as you describe and you don’t do him right, someone else will. But try to work things out first. Remember what turned you on when you were younger and experiment, trying those things to see if they still work. Or just drink a lot until you pass out. And then he can do what he wants and you won’t even care or give a damn. Just kidding about that, but finding ways to relax and not stress it quite as much can make things better and help.

And I guess that’s all for today. My thanks to the Weekly World News and Dear Dottie, as well as the archives of the syndicated Dear Abby columns, for the questions. And thanks to you for reading. If you’d like to see more and/or have any problems you’d like a little common sense advice about, let me know. Use the comment box or message me at I’m here to help and for you. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay away from the crazies. Be safe. I’ll see you on the flip side.


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