Tossing Salt Presents:
Flashback: Thirty Days of Dougie (2013)
Day 4: Secret Confessions
DougMaynard.com

Way back in 2013, only eight years ago but it seems like a lifetime, I did one of many “Days of Dougie” blog series. But the thing is, I didn’t have this site yet and did them on my Facebook in the “Notes” section. And now that they’re showing up in my memories on Facebook, I think it’s time to share them one more time. So here you go. For the next thirty days or so, along with the current and new stuff I post on the site, we have some flashbacks as well. You’re welcome. Now, as I once heard said in the movie “Young Guns”, “Regulators, let’s move out!”. It was something to that effect anyhow. Let’s do this.

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 4: Secret Confessions (10)

Okey-doke and here we are again with Day 4 of the “30 Days of Dougie” series. I’ll bet you didn’t think I’d last this long, did you? Well, to tell the truth, neither did I. So far, for the first three days, it’s been okay but damn it all, it’s been kind of depressing too. I covered “The Job”, “James Dean”, “Walls” and as a bonus, “True Friends”. And all of that is well and good, but where’s the fun stuff? Where the excitement? Where’s the beef? Where’s Waldo? Where’s my mind? Inquiring minds want to know. Maybe today will be better. One can only hope.

So let’s reach into the magic box and see what fate presents to us. It says, “Secret Confessions (10)”. Oh shit! I knew that I shouldn’t have put this one in there because if the other blogs were kind of awkward to write (and they were), this one should be a helluva doozy. I guess what it means is that I play the role of sinner seeking redemption (a role I should actually be quite good at) and you, my loyal and faithful, get to play the role of the preacher/therapist/blackmailer and listen to my true and inner-most confessions and truths. Oy vey!

So let’s do this…

Thirty Days of Dougie – Part 5: Secret Confessions (10)
January 6, 2013

So how should I do this? I obviously will NOT be revealing any names or secrets that involve other people. That’s not my place to do such things. It’s not how I roll and would be as wrong as a fat man wearing a g-string and snow boots at the same time while asking his sister out for a hot date at the Weiner Works. And yeah, that’s pretty damn bad. Actually, I think I saw a video of just that earlier tonight on YouTube. Or maybe it was a flashback from my days in Nam’… Who knows? But I’m not spilling anyone else’s secrets or betraying any confidences, so if that’s what you’re looking for, stop reading now and go play in traffic on the highway instead. And if your name is Britney Barbie, you can just do that anyhow because you’re a sleaze, trash, and need a new dye job. Don’t talk about my awesome nephew or hurt my friend. ‘Nuff said!

Okay, so where was I? I’m not going to reveal anyone else’s secrets (unless a substantial financial offer is made, and we’re talking cash here, and then all bets are off and no one is safe… lol). But I will spill my guts on ten of my own. Hell, this isn’t any worse than those crazy surveys I used to take all the time back at MySpace. I never held back on those so I won’t hold back on this. I’m just a poor and lonely writer baring his soul for all the world. Must be that InFamous kool-aid I’ve been drinking taking effect.

Well, enough with the procrastinating. Let’s just jump right to it. It’s confession time. And don’t judge. None of us are perfect and we all have dirty little secrets in our closet… unless you are this certain woman I work with. She’s perfect and never makes mistakes or does anything wrong. And she knows everything. If you don’t believe her, just ask her and she’ll tell you. She’s the hardest worker, the best cashier, the most awesome person in the whole wide world. Yeah, okay… damn, I really love people. Let’s get this over with. I’m just going to list my “confessions”. No explanation will be given. If you want to know the back-story, just ask and I’ll probably tell you, but I’m not going to give it all away. You have to ask first.

Ten Dougie Confessions…

I often have trouble remembering how old I really am because I don’t consider age to be important. It’s just a number and how I feel and relate to certain people matters much more than how old they or I physically am.

My legs and feet hurt almost constantly.

I have been involved in more than one extra-marital affair, usually in the role of the “other woman”. I have not, however, ever cheated or strayed when I’m part of a serious, committed relationship.

I sometimes like to smoke cigarettes (mainly when I’m stressed, drinking, or having a creative block).

I have bought and currently own two Barbara Streisand albums / CDs. She’s got a great voice.

I am sometimes jealous of the relationships between different friends and wish that I could be as relaxed and have that great chemistry I witness instead of always holding back and being so reserved.

I like to dress up and clean up with the whole suit/tie deal sometimes and wish I had the chances/reasons to do so more often.

I still enjoy the occasional peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I am not good with modern technology and sometimes, even the most simple thing will leave me baffled, confused, and totally lost.

I wish that I was a father and had children of my own.

And there you go. Nothing too earth-shattering or revealing, but I still managed to spill my guts and finish this piece. Yes, I’m a good Lil’ Jimmy (at least for today anyhow). And with that, I’m closing this up. It’s 7:03 am and I need to go to bed.

Happy Sunday, my Peeps, and I’ll catch you on the flip side. I’m out of here.

Ubuntu!