Tossing Salt Presents:
A Day Of Dougie:
Uncle Arthur, Over The Hill & Mandates
November 18, 2021
DougMaynard.com

Welcome friends to an extravaganza of epic proportion of extreme extravagance. Damn, what an intro. Actually, it’s more of an “Okay, I’m bored as fuck and just writing for something to do instead of eating crap I don’t need or really want!”. But it might turn out to be good. Who knows?

But you know the routine. I reach into the infamous Magic Bag, pull out some random topics, and then with no preparation or advance knowledge of what said topics will be, I start to write. It’s a hit-or-miss way of doing things, but it’s a great writing exercise to see what I can do on the fly and it’s honestly liable to go anywhere and in any direction. Harmless and a quick read to a “what the hell” at some of my comments and statements. Those are the fun ones.

And what will it be today? We’ll find out in a few minutes, but first, we need a few topics. Where is my bag at? I have the bag ad the topics for discussion will be Uncle Arthur, Over The Hill and Mandates. Okay, this might be interesting. We’ll find out together. Let’s do this.

But before I do this, I need to send some shout-outs. To my infamous Bro-Son, I love you brother. And the fam too. Y’all are my rocks and the only reason I’m still here, alive and kicking. It’s damn true. I miss you much and as soon as I can get my shit straight over here, we gotta do some major league chilling. It’s true!

And also, I watched the movie Shang-Chi today. Yeah, I know that’s not the whole title. There’s “Ten Rings” blah, blah, blah, but you know the movie I speak of. The continuity from the comic books, or lack thereof, irked me a bit as do all the superhero movies compared to their comic book counterparts, but the movie. It was good. Great fight scenes as to be expected and a good story that flowed well and was very well done. It’s not as exciting as Avengers: Endgame or Captain America: Civil War for example, but I’m now looking forward to when Shang-Chi takes his place among the bigger stars of the MCU. He is a good character and I think he’s one to keep an eye on. And the movie itself? It rocked!

And now, let’s get to what we all came here for and that’s the topics of the day. Are you ready? I said, ARE YOU READY? Let’s do this.

Over The Hill…

Over the hill, also known as getting damn old. The body hurts more, the hair turns gray, the body sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies when you wake up and try to move, the sight and hearing fail, and you start forgetting why you walked into a room, where your glasses are (on your head), people’s names, and where that damn remote is. Yeah, it’s not a pretty sight at all. But that’s not the “over the hill” I want to talk about. As Konnan, the one-time WCW and AAA wrestling legend would say, let me speak on this.

I remember… oh wait, I just realized something. The story I was about to tell, I can’t tell. The people that it involves read my stuff and might not take too kindly to me telling their dirty little secrets to the entire world. Yes, I am actually being considerate for once in my life and thinking about consequences and repercussions. What the hell is up with that? I guess it’s all a part of getting older and wiser, a part of being over the hill if you will. Well damn. So I guess I’ll just move on to the next topic. I’ll tell my “over the hill” story one day. Just not today. Let’s go to the next topic.

Uncle Arthur…

Two things come to mind when I hear the name, Uncle Arthur. We have the character on the TV show Bewitched, played by the great Paul Lynde. The joke-loving, a prankster with the heart of gold, and master of all shenanigans. That was a great TV character who always had the best of intentions, usually, and it always seemed to go astray. In my opinion, one of the most interesting and fascinating TV characters of all time.

And I think about a song by the Beatles. And I just fact-checked myself. I went to check the name of the song and it’s not Uncle Arthur, but instead, it’s Uncle Albert. Who the hell is Uncle Albert? I like Uncle Arthur better. Damn, isn’t anything working out for me this morning? I have a story I want to tell, but can’t, and then I find out I’ve been mishearing a song for my entire life. Damn you, Paul McCartney. Here’s the song.

The reminds me of a joke. Do you know what it would take to get the Beatles back together again? Two bullets.

Okay, don’t leave now or call the P.C. police. I know it’s tasteless and wrong as hell but admit it. You either smiled or groaned so I got a reaction, right? And that’s what I want, a good reaction of some sort. So Uncle Arthur, in the song anyhow, changed his name to Albert. If I ever do karaoke to that song, and the way I sing, let’s hope it never happens., I’m still going to sing Uncle Arthur instead of Uncle Albert. And that’s the bottom line cause I just said so. Let’s move on.

Mandates…

It’s a command by people who claim to be in charge, but it’s NOT a law, and so far as recent mandates by certain pedophiles with crackhead sons who are working in their coloring books while sitting at a big desk in Washington goes, they can kiss my fat white ass.

But something else comes to mind when I hear the word mandate. It’s a date between two men. And it makes me realize something. I’ve been single and alone way too damn long. I can’t even remember the last time I went on anything even slightly resembling a real date with a guy. Usually, it’s just wanna hook up and then we do and that’s it until the next time. It’s a gay thing, or so I’ve been told. I’ve pretty much been kicked out of the club a long time ago for not conforming to the stereotypes and beliefs that I’m supposed to have just because I prefer the guys over the women. Yeah, I’m a Trump supporter who thinks for himself and is not a single-issue sheep pandering to the wishes of Pelosi, Schumer, and that whacko crowd. So what is or isn’t acceptable in gay culture, I have absolutely no idea. I don’t get the newsletters anymore to tell me what to think and how to be a real homo. I just know what I like and what feels right to me. Now, what was I saying?

Mandates. I am a man and I want to go on a date, preferably with another man. Even if it’s just the movies or a meal at the Chinese place, that’d be cool. I need to get out of this house. Any interested applicants in the Scotland County/Laurinburg area, give me a shout. I’m middle-aged, crazy, fat, sarcastic, and as white-trash redneck as you can get, except for I have all my teeth and know how to behave in public (most of the time). I have a stump right now so you may have to push my wheelchair, but cripple-sex can be fun. And if you’re wearing gray sweatpants, even better. I’ll rock your world. Contact me for an application.

And I’ve gone totally off the track here. It happens sometimes. And I’m just joking about taking applications for a date (not really). If any cool guys want to talk, then let’s talk, but warning, my B.S. detector is always on and I can be a moody bitch at times. You’ve been warned. And if things do click and you plan on sticking around, my bro and his mini-me have to approve of you or you’ll have to go. That’s just how it is. Damn, no wonder I can’t keep a relationship going. Oh well. Let’s wrap this up.

And there you go. My thanks for reading this trainwreck that went totally off the tracks towards the end. Hopefully, you found it entertaining and insightful and at least smiled once or twice. Any comments, thoughts, or questions about anything I’ve written or anything at all, drop me a line and let me know what’s on your mind. Until the next time, be sure to be good, be safe, shake your booty, and make today and every day a Day of Dougie. I’ll see you at the bar.

Ubuntu!