Tossing Salt Presents:
Top Ten Candidates To Replace
Chris Cuomo At CNN
December 12, 2021
As most are aware, CNN Prime Time host Chris Cuomo was fired from his job at CNN last week for his part in helping his brother Andrew Cuomo, the then-Governor of New York, attempt to cover up sex-scandals and for just being an annoying douchebag as well. And the question that remains, who will replace him as the host of CNN’s highest-rated show that no one watches or cares about?
Well, my sources, which are totally made up and fictitious, as is most of the stuff CNN reports as “News”, tell me that a list has been floated around the CNN offices naming potential successors for Cuomo’s spot. There are many unusual names listed and so, in the interest of the public’s right to know, I’m printing this list for your entertainment pleasure. The fact that this is totally fake and made up matters, not to me. It’s a Top Ten List and it starts right now.
Top Ten Possible Replacements For Chris Cuomo at CNN…
Kyle Rittenhouse: Yes, he is only 18 years old and not a journalist, but if CNN doesn’t want to pay out millions of dollars in lawsuits for their constant slander of the NOT GUILTY vigilante, they need to kiss up and kiss up fast. So give him a show on prime time and a big salary. That should fend off the lawyers for a while, right?
Chris Wallace: Wallace announced today that he is leaving Fox News and giving up his job as the host of Fox News Sunday. He’s a credible journalist, a great interviewer, boring as hell, and having Wallace as part of their company would allow CNN to pretend that they’re not one-sided and totally biased, even though we all know better.
Keith Olbermann: The former MSNBC star is a known pompous ass, a liar and make up of fact, a big-time lefty, and hates Bill O’Reilly and Donald Trump. So what if he was too much of a nutcase for even MSNBC to keep around and was disliked by most of his broadcast partners and was fired for being a piece of crap. He has a name and at CNN, would fit right in.
Rob Reiner: The actor/director formerly known as Meathead is totally delusional, hates Donald Trump, love to make up lies and conspiracy theories, and thinks Joe Biden is a good president. He hasn’t had an acting job or directed a good movie in years so he’d probably be happy for the job. What more would CNN ask for or want.
Alyssa Milano: Another bad actor, this former star of Who’s The Boss and Charmed is absolutely delusional and bat-shit crazy. Regardless of the situation, it’s her vagina and it’s the fault of Republicans and Donald Trump. She killed two babies and she’s proud.
Brian Williams: He was just fired from MSNBC/NBC after nearly thirty years for being a liar, a teller of tales, a master in the art of story-telling, and just a pinheaded dweeb. He once was a journalist, but then devolved into a brain-dead lefty jackass. For CNN, he’d be perfect.
Rosie O’Donnell: She’s loud, she’s stupid, she’s a lesbian, and people know who she is so she has name recognition. She’s anything, but a journalist, but she was on The View so that doesn’t matter. She could be the CNN version of Rachel Maddow, but not as charming, smart, likable, or as good a liar. But she’s louder so there you go.
Little Wayne: Again, not a journalist, but he can rhyme ass with ass and he’s illiterate and black so he fits all the CNN requirements.
Jussie Smollett: Yes, he was found guilty of faking a hate crime and maybe looking at some jail time, but what does making a fool of himself and setting back race and gay/straight relations a hundred years matter? Everyone knows his name, he’s black, and he’s gay. He knows how to play the victim and embellish lies and stories. If that doesn’t say CNN Prime Time Anchor, I don’t know what does. True, Don Lemon may not want Jussie there since Don already has the race card, the gay card, and the being obnoxious and lying token spot at CNN filled, but Don has his own problems with trying to get everyone to smell his fingers. Think of the fun that Jussie could have with Don and Anderson Cooper, the three homo-stooges, all of who have set gay rights back many years with their stupidity and antics. Jussie for CNN? He’s a perfect fit.
Kermit The Frog: He’s been the on-the-scene reporter for Muppet News and Sesame Street for nearly four decades. Everyone knows his name and likes him. He’s green so he’s obviously a supporter of the New Green Deal and dealing with Climate Change. AOC thinks he’s cute. So there you go. I think Kermit has too much self-respect and class to work for CNN, but then again, he does work for Disney now so who knows.
And there you go. The names on the totally made-up list that my fake sources say is circulating around CNN in regards to finding a replacement for Chris Cuomo. Will any of these folks be the one to get that spot on CNN Prime Time where they can be crushed nightly by Sean Hannity and Fox News? We’ll have to wait and see, but it could happen. Really, it could.
Any questions, comments, or thoughts about this topic or anything for that matter, give me a shout. My thanks for reading. Until the next time, take care of yourself and stay safe. I’ll see you on CNN. Hey, maybe I can get that spot and work for CNN as the replacement for Cuomo. Maynard Prime Time! It has a nice ring to it. It probably won’t happen, but hey CNN, I’m available. Call me.
Ok, I’m out of here. Take care and be forever vigilant. I’ll catch you later.