Tossing Salt Presents:
Ten Questions:
Cereal, Sidekicks, Conan & More
January 23, 2022
DougMaynard.com

I opened up an e-mail this morning from an old acquaintance, Vince, and the questions that this man sent me, he is freaking insane. He sent me twenty questions and wants me to respond. I think he was stoned. But respond, I will. I’ll do ten here and ten later. And dear readers, be warned, it’s not my fault. Let’s do this.

You can only eat one cereal from now until death. What do you choose?

I would go with Fruit Loops, after all, I always do follow my nose.

If you could be any type of potato chip, what flavor of ice cream would you be?

The green ones, no doubt. With ketchup on the side.

If you could remake one horror franchise, and replace the antagonist with yourself, which would it be?

A horror franchise? How about Police Academy, with myself in the role of Captain Harris. Wait, that wasn’t a horror movie franchise. Well, the second movie qualifies, as does the last three or so, but I’ll go with a more traditional type of horror flick. How about Nightmare On Elm Street, but instead of Freddy, you get a very drunk me. That is definitely worse than any nightmare, or so I’ve been reminded of many times. Give the evil me a Four Loko and let the terror begin.

If you had an animal sidekick like Matilda for the Bulldogs and Frankie for Koko, what would it be, and what would their name be?

It would be my cat, whose name is Mouthie. And yes, he deserves that name because he rarely shuts up. And maybe an Iguana named George. That could be cool too.

What are your thoughts on the ongoing tension between Ukraine and Russia?

I blame Vince. It’s Vince McMahon’s fault! Just kidding. We all know who really is to blame. Let’s Go Brandon! FJB! And where’s Hunter?

If you could be half man, half sausage, which way around would you have it and why? Like top half sausage, the bottom half human, or the other way?

If my top was sausage, I’d be a total meathead. If my bottom was all sausage, I’d be John Holmes. I’ll go with the sexy situation. Bring it on, bitches. I have a big sausage lol.

If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be? And would they be alive or dead? And why?

I’d love to have dinner with Waylon Jennings, Joan Rivers, and James Dean. And I’d prefer them all alive because if they were dead, oy vey! Have you ever watched The Living Dead stuff? Those zombie fucks are nasty and disgusting and the only dinner they’d want to have is my living, breathing flesh. That would not make for a pleasant dining experience at all.

If you were only allowed to use a fork or a spoon for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

I like spoons. I’d pick a spoon.

If you could only be very nice or very evil, which would you choose?

It’s a tough call because I am very nice, but my little black heart is evil, at least part of the time. I just don’t always act on it because when I do listen to my heart, it makes me do stupid and bad things that mainly end up hurting me. I can only be one or the other? Let’s flip a coin. It’s heads – I’m nice.

What is your favorite Conan sketch or character?

Does Conan do sketches? I thought, as a Barbarian, all he did was run around stabbing people with his sword. My favorite character from the Conan series of comics would be the man himself, Conan. Actually, he and Red Sonja are the only two I can remember, and since I never cared for her much, I’ll go with him. It’s been a long time since I read those stories. And if this question was in reference to the other Conan, he of late-night television talk fame, my favorite character was Abe Vigoda.

And there you go. My thanks for reading and to Vince for those questions. He’s a weird dude. I’ll have more of his questions later, probably tomorrow. Any comments, thoughts, or questions you’d like to ask about anything at all, give me a shout and let’s do it. Until the next time, stay good, warm, and be safe. I’ll see you at the Nudie Bar.

Ubuntu!