Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions By Kelly
Sitcoms, Adoption, Qualities & More
March 8, 2022
DougMaynard.com

A fair maiden from Twitter asks questions plenty. And this strapping figure of masculinity that is your noble host, I like to answer them. So it’s Questions by Kelly. And it all begins right now.

What would you do if you found out you were adopted if you are not already adopted?

Well, I’m not adopted, but I did have a similar revelation when I was a youngster. My dad, the man who raised me, isn’t my real dad. The details are not important, but my blood-father is a guy from Texas. And my reaction? I got upset for a bit, tracked down my biological father via old letters and some good research, tried to call him because I was pissed off, and then decided that it didn’t matter and to hell with that guy. My dad raised me, was always there for me, and was my dad. The other guy? Just a guy. And once I got that straight in my head, that was it and all that mattered. And there you go.

What’s the biggest lie you have been told?

Many times, I’ve been told “I love you”, by people who said the words, but then proved it a lie with their actions. Damn bastards!

Would you rather cuddle a koala or pal around with a panda?

Pandas or Koalas? I’d rather kick it with a kitty-cat. I like cats.

What is the worst quality a person can have?

If a person is a liar, that’s it. I can deal with many things, but if I can’t trust you, I don’t want or need you in my life.

What was your favorite sitcom growing up?

I was big into the whole Happy Days/Laverne & Shirley shows, plus a big fan of All In The Family as well. Then I got a little older and Married With Children became my thing.

What snack can you just not get enough of?

Your boyfriend. Just kidding. I like chips and grapes. Not necessarily at the same time, but both are damn good.

What’s one object you can’t live without?

Air. Without air, I wouldn’t be able to breathe, and if I couldn’t breathe, I would probably die. Well, either that or become a brain-dead zombie, aka a Democrat. Either way, it would suck.

Who is the first person you call when anything- good or bad- happens to you?

I either get here on my computer and make allusions to whatever is going on in my life in a Day of Dougie blog, or else I have a chat with the most awesome dude I know, my bro-son, the Infamous Outlaw, the man we call K-Mak!

Are you superstitious about anything?

Not really, but I probably am. I just can’t think of anything that makes me feel creeped out, right at the moment.

What is your biggest addiction right now?

Your boyfriend. He’s just so much fun. I’m kidding. I guess it would be either Mt. Dew Zero or the internet.

When was the last time you felt really embarrassed?

A few months ago, before I had the surgery, I was in Wal-Mart walking around, doing some shopping. I was wearing both of my Frankenstein boots, plus using a cane, so I could get around. Moving slowly, but getting it done. And some smart-ass girls made some comments. It hurt and it was embarrassing. People can be the shits sometimes.

What is one album you could listen to for the rest of your life?

Queen’s Greatest Hits. I love me some queen.

What’s your least favorite condiment?

Mayonnaise. I don’t mind it sometimes, but the little packs, just don’t do it for me.

Who was your biggest childhood celebrity crush?

As a kid, I liked Donny Osmond and Mark Hudson. I wasn’t quite sure why, but I thought they were hawt! I still do.

What do most people overestimate or underestimate about you?

They think I’m not paying attention, but I see and know far more than I speak of or acknowledge. Just because you’re shady and I don’t say anything doesn’t mean I don’t know you’re shady. I know, but I’m just picking my spot.

What are the things you wish you could easily forget?

Several names and past relationships come to mind. I don’t regret them happening since I grew and learned as a result of them, but I’d like to get a pass and forget them sometimes. The scars are still there and they still hurt sometimes.

Finish this sentence: I’m getting better at __.

Saying that magic word, “No!”.

What did you love most about your hometown?

The people. I’ll be the first to admit that my town has gone to shit over the past few years. It was a good town once, but the poverty, poor government management, crime, drugs, etc, have all taken their toll. But despite all of that, I’ve met some amazing and wonderful people in this town. And yes, I’ve met some absolute scumbuckets as well, but the people here, the good ones, are damn good, even here in Laurinburg.

What would you do if one day you woke up and every person was just gone without a trace?

Probably freak out and go insane… or go back to bed. One thing or the other.

If you were forced into a dance competition, what song would you choose to dance to?

Phil Collins song, I Can’t Dance. It’s very appropriate. Here’s the video.

What is a relationship deal-breaker for you?

Lies. I can’t stand a liar. Or a micro-penis. I don’t mind a smaller man, but even I have a few standards.

What is the strongest animal you could win against with just your bare hands and feet?

A Care Bear. I can whip the hell out of one of them things… I hope.

What’s something weird that you recommend everyone tries at least once?

I think that every guy should come to see me, get naked, and… Shot Glass Roulette. What? Did you think I was going to say something perverted? Was I going to insinuate that every decent-looking guy should have sexual relations with me? You sick freaks! That’s for after the drinks. Let’s play Shot Glass Roulette first and have some nice, innocent, alcoholic-based fun.

And there you go. My thanks for reading and thanks to Kelly (@Kelly_ques) for the great questions. Any comments, thoughts, or questions are appreciated as well. Until the next time, take care and be safe. I’ll see you at the Sea of Tranquility.

Ubuntu!