12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas – Day 3: Saggy Pants, Beef Jerky & It’s A Wonderful Life

Tossing Salt Presents
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 3: Saggy Pants, Beef Jerky & It’s A Wonderful Life
December 15, 2022

Good morning. Baby, it’s cold outside. No, not cold, but just wet. It’s supposed to rain all day. I can’t stand the rain, at my window, bringing back sweet memories. Yes, I was just channeling Tina Turner covering The Rev. Al Green. I do that sometimes. It’s Day 3 of the Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas. Are you ready? Let’s do this.

I have the Magic Bag in hand and we’re going in. The topics of discussion for today will be Saggy Pants, Beef Jerky, and It’s A Wonderful Life. Geez, how many times are Saggy Pants or some variation of it represented in this bag? I guess it’s a timeless topic and always worth discussing. Oy vey! So let’s get busy. And away we go.

Saggy Pants

Pull those damn things up. No one wants to see your dirty drawers and stinky little butt. It really annoys me when I see guys, and girls too, walking around with their pants sagging and their rear ends hanging out. Who are they trying to impress?

Don’t they realize where sagging came from? It’s from prison where sagging the pants meant that you were willing to give up the booty for your fellow inmates. And now, it’s a popular clothing/culture thing. Are that many guys really wanting to give up the booty? Truthfully, from what I’ve experienced with my encounters with “straight guys”, the answer seems to be yes, but that’s not important right now.

But the problem is that most of the butts that are hanging out and being displayed by the sagging are not butts that anyone wants to see. A firm butt or a bubble but is good. A butt so flat it makes the wall jealous or an ass so fat, even Stacey Abrams is saying, “Damn, that’s a fat ass!” are usually the ones we’re forced to endure though. I don’t like that. Nobody likes that. Pull up those damn pants already and quit ruining my life.

Beef Jerky…

I love Slim Jims. Does that even qualify as “beef jerky”? I’d rather not read the actual ingredients and find out because I do actually like the product and would rather not know exactly what it is that they’re composed of. I’m sure that there is beef in there somewhere. And pork, chicken, cat, possum, squirrel, and lots of crazy chemicals that keep it all fresh and tasty.

And would Slim Jims even truly count as a form of beef jerky or would that just be the stuff in the packs that never seem to go on sale when I have that craving and the whole bag vanishes far too quickly when I want just “one piece”? I guess they’re all the same or at least close enough that it doesn’t matter. They’re in the same section at the grocery store so that counts for something, right?

By the way, disclaimer time here just in case any legal minds are reading this and represent the Slim Jim company. I don’t truly think that there is cat, squirrel, or possum meat in their products. That’s just a joke so don’t sue me. We all know that the only place to find a good cat, squirrel or possum is at the Chinese restaurant on the buffet table next to the fried rice and egg rolls. But damn, it is so good. I would love some Sweet & Sour Chicken (wink, wink) right now. What’s that meowing sound?

And I can’t think of anything worth saying about beef jerky that I haven’t already touched upon. Yeah, I’m slacking here. I do that sometimes. Oh yeah, I just remembered something. Way back when I was with Dairy Mart, we had a sales rep come around trying to sell us a variety of different meat sticks (insert sexual joke here) and that was pretty cool. It was jerky made of buffalo, alligator, and something else. I tried them and they were pretty good.

And I’ve also tried, in the past, jerky made of deer meat. It’s okay, but every time I think of deer, I want to scream out, “Oh my God, you killed Bambi!”. And then someone else can add, “You bastard!”. It’s great fun and the producers of South Park like it when you do that. The people at Disney don’t, but they’re controlled by an evil mouse so who cares.

So what was I saying? Jerky is good and I like it, but I prefer real beef stuff and not the other animals that should be in animated movies or National Geographic series and not in a plastic wrapper getting eaten. I want a Slim Jim. Snap into it. And now, let’s move on.

It’s A Wonderful Life

This is a legendary movie that stars Jimmy Stewart and is supposed to be a holiday classic, but to tell the truth, I’ve never seen it. I know the basic story in that Stewart is down in the dumps and suicidal, but an angel comes down and makes him realize that life is good and he feels better and the angel gets his wings.

But if it’s a truly wonderful life, where are the hookers? Does he have a cat? Did he win the lottery? What is it about his life that makes it so damn wonderful? Inquiring minds want to know. I think I’m getting off the subject here. Oops. I do that sometimes.

So what was I saying? I heard it’s a good movie and if you’re into classic movies with a moral, that’s cool. I’d rather watch Clerks or any other movie starring Jay & Silent Bob instead though. They have the dick and fart jokes. That’s what makes a great movie. And when I’m sitting on my couch, chillin’ with my cat and watching “Dogma”, “Mallrats” or “Clerks 2”, that is when I say and know that it truly is a wonderful life.

Damn, that was a convoluted mess of words that really didn’t say anything at all. I guess I’ll try to do better next time. But that’s for later as this wraps up today’s edition of the Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas. I’ll be back tomorrow on Day 4.

My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that being said, I’m out of here. Take care and stay well, my friends. I’ll see you tomorrow. Merry Christmas.


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