Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Day 10: Jews, Little Boy Blue, and Pouty Lips
December 22, 2022
Have you ever had an official Red Ryder BB Gun? Did you put your eye out? Don’t believe the hype. If all the talk about putting the eye out was true, we’d have 3/4 of the men in America walking around looking like Long John Silver, complete with the eye patch. Just saying. I had a weird dream about Ralphie. I haven’t even watched that movie yet this year and I’m dreaming about it. I guess that’s what seven hours straight of Christmas music at work will do to you. It’s worse than torture and should be illegal. But it’s not and as a result, I’m having Ralphie dreams. That’s why I’m awake now at 3:34 in the morning. Let’s do a Day of Dougie.
Did I say a Day of Dougie? I meant one of the Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas. It’s Day 10 so we’re in the short rows now. I’ll be so glad when this is over. I’m having fun, but I’m still ready for it to end. It’s like sex with a fat chick. Yeah, as if I would be into that. Not my thing and not because she’s fat. I just don’t do chicks. Chicken heads, yes, but not chicks. And this is getting off track fast. Let’s get the Magic Bag and figure out what topics of discussion I’ll be discussing today.
I’ve got the Bag in hand and the topics for today, Day 10 of 12, are as follows. We’ve got Jews, Little Boy Blue, and Pouty Lips. Okay, I can already tell by the topics that this one will not be politically correct, will probably offend many woken snowflakes, will cause repeated cringing and uncomfortably squirming with every word, and if the wrong people see, will get me kicked off of Twitter faster than Kayne can post a picture of a swastika. It probably won’t be very long, but it won’t be pretty either. sighs Let’s do this and get it over with.
So what do you think of when I say “Jewish”? Doting mothers with the chicken soup? Hook-nosed agents in Hollywood? The doctor? The Lawyer? The accountant? MJF? Two old women sitting at a table, complaining and saying, “Look at that Ethel, that little tramp over there. She’s getting married and her wedding ring is only five carats. I told her to hold out for at least 7 carats, but she doesn’t listen!” The greedy old man squeezing the blood out of every dollar they’ve ever had? Specialized lamp shades made by a crazy man in Germany with a bad mustache? Well, that’s all stereotypes and not true. The whole thing about lampshades? That was just a rumor. Only a few were made into lampshades. The rest were used in the gardens as mulch. And the rest of it? Oh well.
I’m kidding. I’m kidding. The Jews are wonderful people. The Holocaust is real. Israel is a great country. Hitler was a genocidal maniac. Jews are not greedy and extremely tight with money. Okay, maybe that last one is true, but that’s not a bad thing. I was watching Don Rickles last night and he was a Jewish man who said all of these things and much worse many times. He’s funny. I’m trying to be funny. I’m not doing a good job at it, but an “A” for effort, right? Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas! There’s a sale at J.C. Penney’s! Let’s move on.
Little Boy Blue
You all remember the rhyme, right? Little Boy Blue. He needed the money! Okay, that was Andrew Dice Clay, who is a lovely Jewish man, that was his version of the rhyme. The lesser-known, but more respectful version of the rhyme goes like this.
Little Boy Blue come blow your horn,
The sheep’s in the meadow the cows in the corn.
But where’s the boy who looks after the sheep?
He’s under a haystack fast asleep.
Will you wake him? No, not I – for if I do, he’s sure to cry.
I like Andrew Dice Clay’s version better. After all, twenty bucks is twenty bucks, right? Let’s move on and wrap this up.
This is when you stick your lips out to look sympathetic, but you’re not trying to do a duck face. It’s just a “Look at me! I’m so sad!” expression that small children, spoiled women, and guys trying to be funny use when they want to get their way, but no one is complying. Did I say, spoiled women? No, they’re not spoiled. They just smell that way. Here’s a news flash. The pouty look doesn’t work. If you want something from me, flashing is preferable. Kids can use the pouty face and it’s adorable. If it’s an adult, I want to see a boob, a butt, or more. Hey, I’m a perv and I admit it. I just don’t do ten-step meetings. So sticking the lips out and looking all sad. Give it up already. It doesn’t work.
And there we go. Are you all still here? Are the Snowflake police getting together to come to lock me up yet? Am I being labeled anti-Semitic and homophobic? Do I give a damn? Nope, I’m just practicing free speech, trying to have some fun with my patented sarcasm and dark humor, and ready to go back to bed. It is what it is. And this little edition of the Day of Dougie? It most certainly was.
My thanks for reading. Thoughts, comments, and any questions are most certainly welcome. And now, I’m going back to bed. Take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you again when I wake up. Merry Christmas!