Tossing Salt Presents:
12 (Dougie) Days of Christmas
Prologue: Cheap Drinks, War Bonnets & The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
December 25, 2022
DougMaynard.com

Good morning. Merry Christmas to everyone. Well, the big day is finally here and I’m up way too early, cooking and sweating in the kitchen, preparing a big meal that no one will eat, but I have to do it anyhow. It’s tradition. I’m trying my best to get into the Christmas mood, but it’s just not working. I feel okay, but given the past few weeks, the past few years actually, celebrating just doesn’t feel right.

But I’m trying. That’s the reason I’m cooking. I’ve already made baked beans, Deviled Eggs, and Fried Apples. I just put a turkey into the oven and have Stuffing and Mac & Cheese waiting to be prepared as well. So we’ll be eating well for the next few days if nothing else. But it may as well just be a typical dinner. No one bothered to buy presents or cards or anything this year. I did buy a Fifth of Jack Daniels, but that’s about it. As I said, it may say December 25th on the Calendar, but it’s not Christmas for us here at the Maynard household. Not in the slightest.

But life goes on and I’m trying. One of the bright spots this past week was doing the annual Twelve (Dougie) Days of Christmas blog series that ended yesterday. I like writing random stuff and had fun writing those bogs. So even though the series is over and today is Christmas Day, why not keep it going on? I have some Ultimate Wrestling Q&A’s to do later, but for now, it’s random writing about Lord knows what. It’s just a typical Day of Dougie, as it should be. No, it’s a prologue to the series because I can. That’s even better.

So let’s get the Magic Bag out and see if we can find three topics worth writing about. I’ve got the bag and the subjects for discussion will be Cheap Drinks, War Bonnets, and the Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. Okay, this might be interesting. Let’s do this.

Cheap Drinks

This is when you are trying to stretch that budget and instead of getting Coke or Pepsi, you buy Bubba Sodas instead. And believe me, it’s not the same. The cheap drinks are wet and will quench the thirst, but have a bad aftertaste, leave a queasy feeling inside, and generally just tend to be nasty. They’re okay for guests and for mixing with alcoholic beverages, but alone, don’t do it. Or as Keri used to say, “Don’t Do Dat!”.

And if you’re going after adult beverages, definitely don’t do that. Well actually, that depends. If you’re drinking shots or on the rocks, go for the good stuff. That’s a must. But if you’re mixing drinks, the mid-card stuff works well and can be used. And the cheap stuff, where you buy a half-gallon for twelve bucks, leave it alone. It’s for being traumatized and getting shit-faced, not giving a damn or caring about yourself or anyone else only. And believe me, with the cheap liquor, you’ll be feeling it the next day.

The bottom line is this. If you’re getting something for yourself, be it drinks or anything else, pay that extra couple of dollars and get the quality stuff. Leave the cheap crap for everyone else. It does make a difference and you’ll be glad you did. ‘Nuff said! Now let’s move on.

War Bonnets

How did this one get on here? A war bonnet, from what I remember in history class, was the special hat or head covering that a woman would put on to show she was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Okay, I just totally made that up. I have no idea what the actual definition of a war bonnet would be except for the old movies where a woman character would do exactly as I just described. I guess by today’s standards, that would be the pink fake Vagina hats that the liberals wore when protesting the election of President Trump. Yeah, wear a special hat and show the world what a c*nt you truly are, Karen. Oh my, that sounded sexist. And probably racist. And homophobic. I must be a white supremacist. Or maybe I’m just sarcastic and think the whole woken snowflake movement is stupid. Either/or works. I can’t think of anything else to say. I like Blue Bonnet margarine. And there you go. Let’s wrap this up.

The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia

A great documentary that everyone should see at some point, about a family in West Virginia. They’re rednecks, drug addicts, illiterate, fascinating, and are descendants of Jesco White and love their countrified dancing. Hank Williams III is there as well and it’s just an amazing look at this trainwreck of a family.

Actually, after watching this documentary, I started to wonder if, by any chance, they might be family. My Dad’s people are all from West Virginia and while my Dad was pretty well-behaved, some of his brothers? Oy vey! My Uncles Neal and Mosser would fit right in with that crowd. They would even bring their own moonshine. sighs

Hell, me and my bro, the Infamous One, should probably go crash a White Family reunion one year and see how well we fit in. I can do a one-legged Jed Clampett stomp if needed. It would be awesome! Or maybe not? I’ll put that on my Bucket List.

And there you go. Yeah, this one kind of sucked, but they do that sometimes. That’s the whole thing about drawing random topics with no advance warning or preparation. Sometimes, it’s good and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don’t. And well, sometimes, you get this. My bad!

But with that being said, thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, or any questions are welcome and would be greatly appreciated. Okay, I have to go check on my bird. Take care and be well, my friends. Merry Christmas. I’ll see you later.

Ubuntu!