Questions (Not) By Casper: Random Twitter Q&A

Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper
Random Twitter Q&A
March 2, 2023
DougMaynard.com

In a world full of questions, it’s always fun to reply with an answer or two. I used to do a regular piece called “Questions By Casper”, but alas, Casper has gone MIA. But others have stepped up to fill the void. Just random questions from my Twitter timeline. Are you ready? Let’s go.

Slim Jim isn’t available, what’s the greatest gas station snack you can think of?

A Zero candy bar is the first thing to come to mind, but honestly, it depends on what gas station we’re at. If we’re in the Sandhills of North Carolina, as I am, then my “gas station” would be Nic’s Pic Kwik and they have a full deli and those delicious taters. Big shout out to Dean & Ken, my two former boss-men who own the Nic’s franchise. I love me some taters so there you go.

If this was my first time hearing about Anthony Fauci, how would you describe him to me?

The face of evil wearing a white lab coat and pretending to be a doctor. Also a freakin’ dweeb!

Do you know what a “Po’ Boy” is?

I’m not sure, but when Freddie Mercury claimed to be one, nobody liked him. I’m sure it’s something to do with having nothing, but in today’s weird and woken world, it’s probably got some odd definition that I’ve never heard of. Okay, it’s a sandwich made with either roast beef or seafood. I was way off on that one. But I don’t much care for seafood or roast beef unless it’s from Arby’s so I guess I’d have no reason to know or care.

Batman and Superman are not available, who is the best superhero?

This is the United States of America so we’ve got to give Captain America some love here, right? Yeah, let’s go with that.

Would you eat compressed bug burgers?

I’ve eaten many things over the years and have had many weird things in my mouth over the years as well, but a burger composed of bugs? Not only no, but hell no! Not willingly or knowingly. I’m getting the eebie-jeebies in my tum-tum just thinking about it.

Why did Bill Gates buy so much stock in Heineken? Will this make you buy less Heineken?

I don’t buy Heineken anyhow. That is some disgusting brew. I did buy a Heineken on my 19th birthday as my first legal beer, but that was the last time, over forty years ago. It is just totally blah to me.

What do you use to remind yourself that everything isn’t that bad?

My cat comes up, rubs his head against mine, starts the light purr, and acts so damn sweet, making me realize that there are some good things in this world. He’s a sweetheart and my fur baby. He’s my daily reminder because otherwise, I would just snap, freak out, and give up.

You’re stranded on a desert island. You have food, shelter, and water. A package washes up on shore with three vintage books in it. What books would you want in that package?

A Reader’s Digest Condensed Book version of The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, the Bible, and How To Get Off Of Desert Islands For Dummies.

What has your pet accidentally conditioned you to do?

Before I get my first glass of Mt. Dew Zero or pee in the morning, I let the dog out the door, rub both my cats on the head and give them treats, and give them fresh water. It’s not accidental. They have trained their humans well.

Who is the greatest Snitch of all time?

I can’t think of anyone because snitches get stitches and end up in ditches, as they should. Being a snitch is nothing to be proud of. Being a bitch though, it’s not just a job, but truly a form of art. Just don’t be a bitch to me or you’ll end up in the ditch next to the snitch while waiting for a stitch. Oh damn, I’m a poet and didn’t even know it. Awesome!

Pancakes or waffles?

I love me some pancakes with sausage patties, lots of syrup and Mt. Dew Zero. Yummy!

What’s the best pickup line in a song lyric?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but can I get your number, and call you maybe? (Call Me Maybe). And now that song will be stuck in your head for the next several hours. You’re welcome!

Does it feel like the world is getting worse, and more unstable?

To paraphrase an old movie, it’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world. People are freaking insane and common sense is an endangered species. Respect and common courtesy are dead and it’s only going to get worse. Jim Morrison was right. People are crazy! And I’m right too when I say this. People suck!

What is the best way to spend a rainy day?

In the bed, making love to a sexy student-athlete from St. Andrews University. Or just in bed, surrounded by cats and dogs, reading and snoozing. Just so long as it involves being in the bed, I’m happy.

Would you continue to work if you suddenly won ten million dollars?

Absolutely. I love my job and the people I work with and those small doses of human interaction keep me relatively sane and content. Money doesn’t matter all that much to me so long as I can keep the bills paid and occasionally indulge in something for myself. I love being productive and working, feeling like I’m contributing to the world in some manner. So keep my job? You betcha!

And there you go. Comments, thoughts, dirty jokes, and any questions you may have about anything and everything, drop me a line, and let’s chat. With that being said, take care and be well, my friends. I’ll see you on the next go-around. And always remember and never forget, rock & roll ain’t noise pollution. But rap? Rap is crap! ‘Nuff said!

Ubuntu!

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