Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #16
Random Twitter Q&A
March 18, 2023
DougMaynard.com

In a world full of questions, it’s always fun to reply with an answer or two. I used to do a regular piece called “Questions By Casper”, but alas, Casper has gone MIA. But others have stepped up to fill the void. Just random questions from my Twitter friends. Are you ready? Let’s go.

Name a type of puzzle.

People. They puzzle the crap out of me and who can figure them out? The Seek & Find puzzles are okay too, but I’ll still go with people. And that’s my final answer, Regis. 

Ketchup isn’t available, what do you add to your scrambled eggs to make them extra awesome?

A side order of bacon or sausage. And a glass of orange juice. Why would you put ketchup on scrambled eggs? That just sounds nasty to me. 

What song makes you cry?

This one right here. It touches me deep down in the pits of my tum-tum. 

Ok does anyone know what ‘war bonds’ are?

I only remember seeing them mentioned in old history books and on The Waltons, so I’m taking a random guess here. Bonds sold by the Government to the general public in times of war to raise money to pay for the war effort and to give people a false sense that they’re being patriotic by buying these bonds. Is that right? Am I close? Let’s google and find out. The definition given is this. “War Bonds are debt instruments (bonds) that are issued by governments to finance military operations and production in wartime. War bonds tend to appeal to the sense of patriotism in individuals, who even see their purchase as a civic duty.” So yeah, I’m right. 

Who is your favorite comedian to watch for laughter therapy?

Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, Red Foxx, Dane Cook, etc. Anyone who would be blacklisted today and be considered “politically incorrect” and “offensive”. 

Which actor instantly ruins a movie for you?

Tom Hanks. He just annoys the piss out of me for some reason. Will Smith too, and that was before the slap on Chris Rock. He’s just a hoser. 

Who is the greatest Repairman of all time?

That old guy from the Maytag commercials, the lonely Maytag Repair Man, played by Gordon Jump of WKRP fame. This dude knew his stuff. 

It’s time for Congress to ban assault weapons.

If someone stabs someone else with a knife, it’s an assault weapon. If someone hits someone with a skillet, it’s an assault weapon. If someone tears into someone with a loud assortment of insults and pot-downs, it’s a verbal assault weapon. Forget about blanket bans and excuses. Enforce the laws already on the books and accept that it’s a people problem, not a weapon problem. Anything can be defined as an “assault weapon” and these blanket bans will cause more headaches than they’ll ever prevent and won’t do a damn thing to save lives or protect people. It’s an argument that sounds all nice and pretty for the press releases but doesn’t mean a damn thing.

Are you a mean cook?

No, I always speak softly and politely when I’m in the kitchen. I’m a very nice, sweet, and polite cook. I’m also somewhat skilled in the arts of kitchen graces and can make some pretty good tasking food if properly motivated and inspired. 

What is the greatest advice you can give to someone today?

Don’t talk to me. My head is starting to hurt. 

Do mushrooms belong on pizza?

If you like mushrooms and want them on your pizza, then put them on the pizza. It’s your pizza and your decision. Go for it!

Are you a good swimmer?

I used to be. I took swimming lessons when I was three and loved being in the pool or the water. As for now though, I’m not sure how I’d get along in that pool. One leg to kick while swimming doesn’t give a person much traction or balance so it could get kind of ugly pretty quickly. Maybe I need to go find a pool and find out? Hmmm!

What brand of coffee is your favorite?

To paraphrase a famous European Count, I never drink… coffee.

I’m immeasurably serious. Could you see yourself voting for a qualified, competent Native American presidential candidate?

If it’s a good candidate who is intelligent, qualified, and shares some of the same ideals and values I do, and my gut feels inspired and comfortable with them, the race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion doesn’t matter a damn bit, nor should it. A good person, not bat-shit crazy, and qualified and competent, who I think would be a good President, would get my vote. Nothing else matters. 

What is the greatest herb?

This one right here, who was a singing partner for Peaches back in the late 70s and sang this incredible song. Also garlic.

You are tasked with casting a remake of All In The Family. Who do you cast as Archie Bunker?

That would be so hard to do since Caroll O’Conner was the perfect Archie Bunker and made that role his own. It’s a tough call for sure and All In The Family wouldn’t make it on the air today without everyone being offended, threatening boycotts, crying because of the simplistic ways of looking at things, lack of diversity or woken behavior/sympathies, etc. If made today, All In The Family would have Archie as the MAGA bigot, married to a black Edith, with their bisexual daughter, the social warrior Antifa thug son-in-law, and transitioning grandson, Joey, who prefers to be called Marcia instead. It’s true. It’s damn true. At least the original Meathead, Rob Reiner, would still have a job. He fits right in with that garbage. As for who would play Archie, if done in the traditional, classic version of Archie, it would be Woody Harrelson. And if done in the new, woken, sucky-ass version of Archie, it would be, whenever he’s not busy shooting people on a movie set, Alec Baldwin. And either way, it would suck! All In The Family is one of those shows that should NEVER be remade or rebooted. Never!

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions, about anything at all, are welcome and appreciated and could be used in future columns. So make them good, my friends. And with that, it’s time to call it a day and go out and do stuff. I’m out of here. Take care and be well and I’ll see you in the funny papers. Be good.

Ubuntu!