Tossing Salt Presents:
Questions (Not) By Casper #74
Random Twitter Q&A
May 13, 2023
DougMaynard.com

Once upon a time, there was a man named Casper who lived on Twitter and asked lots of great questions. He asked and I would answer, thus Questions By Casper was born. But then one day, he vanished and I had to find another source for my Q&As. Well, Twitter stepped up and now provides me with lots of random questions. It’s not Casper anymore, but it’s still lots of great fun. Now it’s Questions (Not) By Casper. And it all starts right now. Let’s go.

If you could meet up with any celebrity for coffee, who would you choose?

It’s a tough call because many names immediately popped into my mind when I saw this question. But my answer for now? Writer/Director/Actor Kevin Smith. We have so much in common regarding our work history, our love of comics, our sense of humor, and so many other things, it would be a great moment and conversation.

How many hours early do you show up at the airport before a flight?

I’ve never taken a flight, but my entire nature requires me to be at any appointment as early as possible. With that being said, if a flight leaves at 10, I’d want to be there by 8 at the absolute latest.

What is one thing that brought you joy today?

It’s only 8:19 am and I’ve only been awake for about forty-five minutes so there is no joy in my life as of yet. I got up, peed, swept the kitchen, and mopped. I guess since I didn’t pee in the bed and made it up to go the bathroom, that would count.

SpongeBob isn’t available, Who is the greatest Nickelodeon character of all time?

Was Johnny Bravo or Cow & Chicken from Nickelodeon? I remember watching hours and hours of Nick Jr. back in the day, but I’ve watched so much children’s programming over the years, I can’t remember who is from what channel. Let’s just say Squidward from the SpongeBob cartoons. He’s one of my role models.

Are you taking responsibility for your own life and choices, or blaming others for your circumstances?

I was taught to take responsibility for my life and actions and have always tried to live by those standards, but since this is 2023, I’m about ready to change and do things the so-called American way. It’s how people are brought up and act these days. Blame everyone else and it’s never your fault. Yeppers, that’s how the world is now and we all see how well that is working out. So I didn’t do it and it’s not my fault. I’m as innocent as a newborn baby and it’s everyone else’s fault. And there you go.

Do you support Donald Trump’s newly announced plan to pardon the J6 protesters if elected President?

The alleged J6 protesters have been held in jail over stupid charges with no bail or “speedy justice”, purely for political reasons. They should all be released immediately with all charges dropped and a full pardon, plus reparations. So yes, I support President Trump’s plans.

What’s a great song with “Heart” in the title?

An Alice Cooper classic that has Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler doing backup vocals called “Only My Heart Talking”. And here you go.

What is the greatest school of all time?

Hogwarts of course. I’m still waiting on my letter though. Those owls need to hurry up. It was due 45 years ago.

If someone offered you $5 million to not watch another NFL game in your life, would you do it?

I haven’t watched an NFL game in nearly three years already so I think I could and would accept that generous offer. Where is my check?

If you had unlimited money to start a business, what would it be?

A media network that includes a radio station, a film studio, a tabloid similar to the Weekly World News, and a small Indy Wrestling promotion. I’d have them all running and operating under one corporate name so it would count as “one business” with lots of diversity with me as the owner, CEO, and Chairman of the Board. Unlimited money can do a lot of things.

If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you had done?

They’d probably assume that someone from the FBI or CIA had started reading my blogs, Q&As, and other posts on this site, Twitter, and Facebook, and have decided that I’m a threat to society and assorted political figures. Yeah, call a President a Pedo-In-Chief a few times, a former President a serial rapist, and Mad Maxine a woman whose face could be used to make Gorilla Cookies and the corrupt powers-that-be that are the Feds get all upset for some reason. And that’s not even talking about the fake women, Tony Khan’s adventures in the snow, using protesters as speed bumps, Alec Baldwin being a murderer, or Bette Midler being a two-faced hypocritical bitch. Yeah, for some reason, all of that upsets people and if I was arrested, most people would assume that’s the reason. Well, either that or hitting on a cute male police officer. I can’t help it. I like handcuffs. Frisk me, Daddy!

Who do you want to see as Trump’s running mate?

Me! I’d be perfect except that I hate crowds, people in general, leaving my house, and public speaking, and I have a slight bit of baggage. I also don’t play well with others and instead of saying things like “Mr. Speaker”, it’d be more like, “Listen up dumb-ass!”. But I’m fat and gay and have a handicap so I check off several of the necessary boxes. I also identify as a black woman from California so I can get one of those reparations checks that fill the gender and minority boxes, at least until the check clears. Okay, thinking about it, maybe not me as the Vice President. I’ll settle for a Cabinet position. As for Trump’s running mate and potential VP, I’d say either Nikki Haley or Senator Tim Scott.

Would you rather have a personal chef or a personal trainer?

If I had a trainer trying to tell me to do push-ups, I’d probably spit a cheeseburger at him and tell him to piss off. Give me a Chef instead. I like to cook but often don’t have the time or patience and forget to eat. This would take care of that, plus he could teach me new recipes. Yeah, food is our friend so let’s go for the Chef.

Who’s a fictional character you’d love to spend the day with?

Would Jay & Silent Bob count as fictional characters? I would love to hang out with those two, either in their movie character roles or the real-life versions of Kevin Smith & Jason Mewes. It would be awesome.

What’s the weirdest thing society accepts as normal?

Men pretending to be women is right up there, as well as pedophilia being normalized and thought of as okay. Homeless people living on the streets in tents and pooping on the sidewalk is pretty sad and drug use in public, but no one raises an eyebrow or cares. Any of those would count and it’s pretty damn sad.

And there you go. My thanks for reading. Comments, thoughts, and any questions are welcome and appreciated. And with that, it’s time to go. I need to get out of this house and away from these people before I freaking snap. I might be back later or I may go get a motel room and just ghost for 24 hours. I haven’t decided yet. Take care and be well and I’ll see you when I get back, be it in a few hours or a few days.

Ubuntu!